Anonymous wrote:I used to feel this way about my mom dying before my dad. My dad wasn’t incapable of handling life but I knew he’d be so lost and so very lonely without her.

Here’s what helped me: I made a plan in my head for what I’d do - concrete plans - if my mom died first. Just make a plan, OP. Break it down in your head. Know you can handle it.

In my case, my dad did precede my mom in death so my plan was for naught but just having the plan relieved my anxiety.

Bingo!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get what you are saying. It’s not anxiety if it’s a situation that is coming in the future and you feel trapped. It’s difficult for non-only-children to understand this pressure.

I have the same concern in reverse. If my father outlives my mother, it’s going to be a disaster. That’s not likely to happen as his health is worse than hers, but I do have a plan for this possibly. Talk to your lawyer. You probably will end up managing her (that’s better for you than a court appointed guardian), but you can get help.

What kind of help?

Well, eventually guardianship becomes necessary and placement in care facilities or in home caregivers can be arranged. Prior to that point, you might have to distance yourself and give their local social services a call to explain the issues with self care that they have. APS. I have already spoken with the APS counselor in my parent’s area. I decided that they needed to be left alone for a while before these steps will work, but eventually they will be needed.

It is so painful when you are the only child and there is no other family to help out.

Remember, they are adults and you should never put yourself or your family at risk in helping your parents.

I used to feel this way about my mom dying before my dad. My dad wasn’t incapable of handling life but I knew he’d be so lost and so very lonely without her.

Here’s what helped me: I made a plan in my head for what I’d do - concrete plans - if my mom died first. Just make a plan, OP. Break it down in your head. Know you can handle it.

In my case, my dad did precede my mom in death so my plan was for naught but just having the plan relieved my anxiety.

It happened to me. I still don't like my mom, but we get through the day.

I told her she had to make friends. Join a grief group.

We do help her a lot with her finances, but she's adapted.

Even if the worst happens, you'll get through it and so will your mom.

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of what you're going to do if that happens and you have a plan so no more worries.

+1 Plan. Remember that you *always* have choices; you do not have to take on your dad’s role. Decide in advance what you can manage while still maintaining your own sanity and well-being, and what your limitations and boundaries would be.

Anonymous wrote:Some of these replies are so nasty. Yikes!

Sorry OP that’s hard. I’m in that situation and my mom is in an assisted living home.

I agree. I don’t think OP is “borrowing trouble” because she could die first. I guess nobody should worry about a cancer diagnosis either, since they could get hit by a car tomorrow! What dumb logic. It seems like a legitimate concern and potentially a large burden for an only child to bear. I get it, OP. Wish people had been kinder.

Some of these replies are so nasty. Yikes!

Sorry OP that’s hard. I’m in that situation and my mom is in an assisted living home.

You need therapy for your anxiety. Did you ever stop and think that you could pass away before both of your parents. You are wasting your life worrying about things over which you have no control.

Op, you need to be empowered in practical ways. You need to know what money she has to support herself. You need to know what *that money* will buy. You need to know where she could live. Stop with the emotional turmoil. In most cases, adult children don't have the luxury of that. In most cases they need to act, and make hard choices. You become the adult, and the parent becomes the child.

I could have written this, OP. I’m in therapy and we frequently talk through my relationship with my mom in sessions and it’s so helpful. Highly recommend even a few sessions to talk this out. Also therapy is the best and everyone should do it.

Make a list of what you're going to do if that happens and you have a plan so no more worries.