Anonymous
Post 03/07/2021 13:18     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:I would have called his mother the first time to pick him up and there would never have been another play date and would have told her why.
Three year olds do not tell me what they are going to do when in my house. Also, I do not put up with tantrums and brats.


And go ahead and step away from the friendship. In my experience, the "discipline divide" will just widen between you two moms.

Bigger kids = bigger issues.

I've let seemingly close friendships go due to these insurmountable obstacles; one where a mom disciplined, chastised and criticized my DC in front of me and another where my DC was physically and intentionally hurt/pushed by a slightly older DC. In the first case, I saw this friend out of my house and that was the end of the relationship. The latter situation was more nuanced - this was a neighbor family. I talked to the mom and her response was to laugh it off and claim DC's "lack of social skills and quirkiness." I kept my DC away from hers and never invited her DC to ever be unsupervised around mine.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2021 12:28     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:Tell her that play dates are getting too stressful for you - "aren't three year olds a handful?" - and redirect invitations to girls' night out. "Let's grab drinks on Saturday night" (post covid) or "why don't you swing by after the baby's in bed and we can chat by the firepit outside". Don't tell her the child isn't welcome, but just change the plans to be adults only each time.


+1. Just start planning adult only stuff.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2021 11:55     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
I would have called his mother the first time to pick him up and there would never have been another play date and would have told her why.
Three year olds do not tell me what they are going to do when in my house. Also, I do not put up with tantrums and brats.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2021 08:51     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:Put your 3 yr old in preschool. Then you no longer need to do childcare swaps with the FU kid.


This. I would stop the childcare swaps asap. Do daycare, do a nanny, do anything else...it should be easy to come up with a reason that doesn't include anything offensive.

I would still maintain the friendship though, without kids for a while, or at least not frequently with kids. Meet up for lunch or coffee just the two of you here an there. His behavior will likely improve with age so I wouldn't kill the friendship. But I also wouldn't want to deal with this child or have him around mine on a regular basis.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2021 06:48     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
Put your 3 yr old in preschool. Then you no longer need to do childcare swaps with the FU kid.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2021 06:38     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
I wouldn’t want my kids spending time with a child who told me FU when I told him it’s lunch time. Even if he’s 3.

I’d say good riddance.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 20:37     Subject: Re:Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am concerned that a 3yo is saying F U. I would be worried about him/her being a bad influence on my own child. Kids are like sponges and start to imitate behavior so quickly.


He’s 3 - Maybe he’s a bad influence? But I’d honestly be more concerned about what he’s witnessing and experiencing at home. I’m no peach, but my 6 year old certainly doesn’t know “f you”


Yeah my 5 year old knows what the the f word is but has never heard it in that context or used in that way. More like my DH accidentally says it when he stubs his toe etc. Maybe he over heard mom and dad fighting?
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 20:27     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
That kid would not be welcome in my house.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 20:24     Subject: Re:Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:I am concerned that a 3yo is saying F U. I would be worried about him/her being a bad influence on my own child. Kids are like sponges and start to imitate behavior so quickly.


He’s 3 - Maybe he’s a bad influence? But I’d honestly be more concerned about what he’s witnessing and experiencing at home. I’m no peach, but my 6 year old certainly doesn’t know “f you”
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 20:21     Subject: Re:Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:I am concerned that a 3yo is saying F U. I would be worried about him/her being a bad influence on my own child. Kids are like sponges and start to imitate behavior so quickly.


So true. At 3 I don’t think my kids even knew what that word was. They certainly never said it.
jsmith123
Post 03/06/2021 20:18     Subject: Re:Losing Friendship Over Child
OP if you stop having their kid over at your house, then you should assume your kid will no longer be welcome at theirs.

If you are okay with that, then I would say to the mom: "You know, this age seems to be a tough one, and I'm struggling to handle both kids right now."

Don't make it about her kid. Make it about what you personally have the energy / ability to take on.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 18:23     Subject: Re:Losing Friendship Over Child
I am concerned that a 3yo is saying F U. I would be worried about him/her being a bad influence on my own child. Kids are like sponges and start to imitate behavior so quickly.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 18:05     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
He’s three. He shouldn’t be in front of the TV. Let him play outside. Do you have age appropriate activities for him?

Also, you need to keep your calm. Just say, I hear you really don’t want to go. We need to speak to each other politely. I can hear you better if you say “I’m upset that it’s time for lunch. I wish I could play more.” Teach him words for his feelings and how to express himself. He is 3, with some kindness he will learn to be kind and polite.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 15:17     Subject: Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is the kid spending so much time at your house--for childcare reasons? For playdates? Is the mom there when the bad behavior is happening? You can stop having the kid over without saying the kid isn't welcome there. Just say it's not working for you and your kid.


OP here. She dopes him off for play dates and vice versa. We both work PT but opposite days and we will have one play date a week and each other’s houses. We live on the same street and it’s been nice having my son be able to play with another kid.


This is so easy. You just need a little distance. Ending the play dates is as simple as “I’m getting so overwhelmed with work I don’t think I can host play dates right now.” Seriously. That’s it. You can just be “unsure about when you guys can start again.” You can say you miss her and suggest you catch up at a playground on the weekend or in the evening “because DS really needs to get out of the house.”

Obviously, this will mean you see less of her, but there’s no reason to end the friendship. My daughter was super close to another little girl for a year. The mom and I were close too. Then the girl had a huge mean girl phase. The mom actually tried to address it but in the end, I had to drastically reduce the amount of time we spent together. It happens. That’s life.

Anonymous
Post 03/06/2021 14:57     Subject: Re:Losing Friendship Over Child
Anonymous wrote:Just my two cents-- if this friendship is important to you, bite your tongue and be patient for a while.

One of my closest friends for years became a parent a decade after I did. Her kids were NIGHTMARES but she excused and sometimes even celebrated their "spiritedness." Trying to talk to her about it strained our friendship . She thought I was "pathologizing" because I teach kids with developmental and behavioral challenges. She hurt my feelings by pointing out times when my own kids were not perfectly behaved-- implying I was a hypocrite.

I gave up trying to talk about it, and just quietly stretched the times between visits, and arranged them to be in outdoor settings, or places where I didn't have to be the one to enforce the rules! When her kids were still getting us kicked out of restaurants and children's museums at 9 and 10 years old, she was finally ready to see they had issues that needed addressing. The family started counselling. Both kids went to counseling. They were both tested, and one was moved to an ED (emotional disturbances) program at school.

The kids' behavior improved somewhat after this. My friend was less stressed. My kids and I were less stressed when they visited!

A few years ago,she was diagnosed with cancer and died 14 months later. We talked almost every day during that time. I visited her the day before she passed.

I don't know how close you and your friend are. There were DEFINITELY times when I considered cutting off contact with my friend. But, if I had, I would have lost years with someone who was like a sister to me. I miss her now.


This is so sad. How are the kids?