The only people I would even know that about would be close friends. If you’re a close friend, I would never judge you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How the hell would you know what kind of upbringings people had? Newsflash: People LIE.

It sounds like you are insecure about your childhood. You should have the attitude that you're proud of yourself for getting out of that environment and stopping a cycle of addiction (if in fact you are).

This. People can judge me all they like. I’ve come a lot further and overcome more obstacles than they can dream. I am tougher and more resilient than they will ever be.

You know, at first I wanted to be all "atta girl!" to this, but ... did it ever occur to you that if you aren't telling people the truth about your background, perhaps others aren't sharing about THEIR background? I grew up in an upper middle class area, good schools, did lots of extra curriculars, went to camp for 8 weeks every summer, got new sneakers each year before school started, went on a little vacation once a year. But there was a ton of shit going on behind closed doors. Nobody threatened me about telling - it just genuinely didn't occur to me to tell anyone. I kind of assumed that went on in everyone's home. I was a senior in high school before I realized NOT everyone is terrified their father will kill them. There were some very serious health issues that went undiagnosed with disastrous consequences.

So, please be proud that you got away from abuse and addiction. But also please don't assume you are tougher than others since you don't know what they went through.

Absolutely not. My mom grew up in a similar home and her siblings and my cousins are all varying levels of a train wreck themselves. I would be a little wary of my kids dating someone with that home life history just because I’ve seen how hard it is stop the cycle of abuse and addiction with my mom’s side of the family. If the person clearly was established with a career, no drugs and kind I wouldn’t worry as I’ve also seen that it is possible (my mom).

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what you mean by judge. I certainly would not think worse of a person because of it. I would be happy to be friends or coworkers with someone from that background. However if I’m being honest I might be wary of dating someone with that messed up of a family life. However it sounds like you were already married so that’s not really an issue for you

I could be wrong, OP can clarify, but I think what they mean by judge is what you say about yourself - you'd be wary of dating someone who was abused as a child. If you'd be wary of dating someone like that, you're probably judging them in other areas of their lives too.

Not A bit.

I have known people who exhibit shitty behavior most likely due to their upbringing of abuse and addiction. I judge them on their behavior. But I certainly don't judge anyone simply for their background.

I'm impressed by people who are able to overcome obstacles.

I’m sad that this is a question.

No, it’s not your fault, why would I think badly of you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get together with your spouse and did they know about your family at the time?

I’m asking because my now spouse broke up with me when we were dating because they just couldn’t handle my crazy home life. They went about a year and then pleaded with me to take them back because they were so sorry and missed me so much.

They never let me know at the time why they were ghosting me, but now that I know, it hurts a lot. You can’t help who your family is, and it is annoying to be judged for something you have no control over.

Why did you take them back? I would have said “Bye! You had your chance!”

Np. Guess the pp also loved the person and knew that it would be a lot for any prospective significant other to deal with. No one is perfect and the b/g friend made a mistake too. It’s one thing to not be judgmental about a friend, a neighbor or a coworker’s family background. But it’s much more personal when it’s the background and parents of a prospective spouse or parent to your children, and a fair consideration to think before making a major commitment if the person can deal with. While it’s hurtful, the hesitation is very understandable.

Do I judge you? No. Of course not. But I don't want to hear about your dark past, especially not over and over again.

If you want to fit in, don't make it part of current conversation. If you need help getting over it and moving on, talk to a therapist.

I definitely would not judge you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. Almost every family I know (UMC and wealthy too) has been touched by addiction.

*1000

I grew up in UMC and my mom died from addiction. Almost every adult I know had one or more adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) like addiction, divorce, abuse. There is no perfect childhood. You may have been shaped by your childhood but you are not defined by it. If you are being judged, these are not your people.

No, I don’t judge. But in my mid 40s I know what to expect from people with significant childhood trauma. So I have learned to have boundaries with them.

Anonymous wrote:How the hell would you know what kind of upbringings people had? Newsflash: People LIE.

It sounds like you are insecure about your childhood. You should have the attitude that you're proud of yourself for getting out of that environment and stopping a cycle of addiction (if in fact you are).

This. People can judge me all they like. I’ve come a lot further and overcome more obstacles than they can dream. I am tougher and more resilient than they will ever be.

No of course not. Almost every family I know (UMC and wealthy too) has been touched by addiction.