Anonymous wrote:If the parent was actually abusive, they will deny, rationalize, justify.

This. I went through something similar with my parents in my early 20’s, but instead of a letter, I confronted them in person.

You don’t shop for groceries at the hardware store.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

Based on your attitude, I would just keep you at arm’s length or cut ties.

Well, I speak from experience as the child who went through a phase of judging my parents incredibly harshly and wanting to blame them for everything - then I grew up. Sure they’re not perfect, but they were doing the best they could.

Parents whose kids feel the need to write such a letter won’t take it well

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

Based on your attitude, I would just keep you at arm’s length or cut ties.

Honestly I think when I was that age I needed to write a letter to. And then I processed it in therapy and found that I didn’t need to send it. I did gradually bring the topics up to my parents. But I was still in communication with them so I don’t know if there’s a difference there. I apologize for not reading all the responses but I wanted to not be clouded by things other people said.

Usually, if they have a good therapist, they advise to write the letter but not send it. Because many parents won't respond well anyhow.

OP, I would take it seriously and have a heart to heart talk with your your adult child. How you handle this will affect your relationship for the rest of your life. I knew my parents were limited and would just be offended, instead of having a dialog like adults.

At least your kid thinks they can talk to you, even in letter form. Consider if some of what they point out is valid, or even if just their feelings about whatever it is are valid.

My brother wants to send a letter like this to our parents. A therapist would encourage him to write it, but not send it. He isn't going to get the reaction he wants. He doesn't get that my parents will never "make him happy". He needs to set boundaries and work with a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:I'd need a while to be shocked, because as far as I know my adult kids don't have any childhood trauma. And then I'd go apologize to them for not having known what was going on, and see how I could help them now.

This. And it’s something I’m keeping an eye out for. Am I causing harm? I hope that it’s minimal and we are processing it in the moment, and for when we’re not they feel safe coming to me or their father.


We are all recovering from our childhood.

Anonymous wrote:Getting a letter like this from 25 year old child? Would you be mad? Introspective? Prefer it to a conversation confronting your abuse?

sounds like something a therapist would say to write but not send.

Depending on my involvement in the issue I’d reach out and be compassionate and listen. I wouldn’t necessarily agree. For example I had to raise two daughters with an aspergers spouse and it was not pretty. By the time he got diagnosed there had been a lot of arguing in the house, I was at my wits ends with the deficiencies and his temper. I didn’t know to stay or go, or what would be beat for the kids. There was. I way my young kids had any clue what I was dealing with. I eventually took everything off his plate and he tagged along with us, but never was a role model.

I’m waiting for that letter. Or them to ask what’s really up w Dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Eh, it likely points to a young adult during the height of the navel gazing phase - write the letter if you must, DON’T ever send it, look back on it in 10-15 years (preferably when you’ve had many years of parenting your own kids under your belt), cringe, and then burn it.

Anonymous wrote:I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!

Those complaints might sound stupid, but they tend to point to something bigger. Likely, checked out parents.

Not trauma, but I did email my parents about being made to feel.... less than.

I have a physical disability. It affects how I walk and my arms are often tense or pulled up a little. My mom used to say "stop that, you're embarrassing me" as we walked down the sidewalk.

We were at a church thing one day, I was talking with some other girls and actually having fun. When we got home my mom slapped me across the face and told me to never act like that again. She had never been so humiliated, apparently.

We were in a new town, I was playing with some classmates and fell. One of the mom's took me inside and called my parents. That was also embarrassing.

She acted like a martyr when they read the email. They just wanted me to be tough. Poor her.

Anonymous wrote:This is a very typical age where past traumas present themselves and repressed memories come to light.

I can’t even with the negative comments.

The evidence that repressed memories exist at all is very weak. A major issue with trauma is memories being replayed over and over and over again.

I’d run it by a friend first maybe. I knew someone who did this (and earnestly thought he was confronting about mistreatment) but the content was “all my friends got to go to Europe but you never took me to Europe!” And “you shouldn’t have let me quit piano when I wanted and if I had kept playing I’d be great now!”

Don’t send one like that!