I had not spoken with my mother n 16 years when I heard she died. It was anticlimactic and a small relief.

I come from a long line of dysfunctional family.

My own mother was one of 7 and only 3 of them attended their parent's funerals.

Four of her six siblings attended her funeral. One of her three kids attended.

My goal has been to let that dysfunction end with me.

I’d already mourned the lack of a parent who loved me years before. When she finally died it was more like a memory of that sadness. I’m sorry, OP.

They had already “died”. Did the whole mourning and grieving a long time ago. No real impact from the actual death, but then, we had made peace with the decision from the start.

I cut contact with my father this year. It was a long time coming, and when I decided it was time, THAT was when I grieved. He’s in his 70’s and healthy, but to me, he’s already dead. So when he does actually die, I doubt I’ll feel anything.

You will feel relief and sorrow for not getting the parent you deserved.

You didn’t deserve whatever happened to you and you are a different parent than the one you had.

Godspeed.

Anonymous wrote:I am about to cut contact with a severely abusive parent that is not getting any better. She’s taken care of and living in an assisted living home. How did it feel when the parent passed away? Did you cry or mourn them? Did you have regrets?

It was many, many years after I'd cut contact and I got the call from the coroner since I was next of kin (my parents were finally divorced by that time so *lucky me* it wasn't the living parent who had to take the call because they were no longer married).

I didn't claim the body, had it cremated by the state and tossed into a community grave. I did feel a sense of control and closure over the whole thing but just a few weeks ago the autopsy report and death certificate arrived (the actual death was years ago but I found the paperwork in some covid clean up and ordered the information so I had it on file should I ever need it). Reading the autopsy report was more triggering than I though it would be (not in a regretful way, in an unpleasant way).

This is a hard one, I think its different for everyone. The level of abuse, neglect and poverty I pulled myself out of was very bad and I don't have contact with my living parent, either.

Your results may vary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am about to cut contact with a severely abusive parent that is not getting any better. She’s taken care of and living in an assisted living home. How did it feel when the parent passed away? Did you cry or mourn them? Did you have regrets?

If you need to ask this question then you are not ready to cut contact.

BS. They are legitimate questions to ask of people who have BTDT.

Anonymous wrote:I am about to cut contact with a severely abusive parent that is not getting any better. She’s taken care of and living in an assisted living home. How did it feel when the parent passed away? Did you cry or mourn them? Did you have regrets?

If you need to ask this question then you are not ready to cut contact.

I pulled these quotes out of some of the responses and they resonate with me.

Much harder for my mother was dealing with the lifetime of after effects caused by her severely abusive childhood.

the pain and the regret you will feel when your estranged parent dies is for the permanent closing of the door on the cherished fantasy you hold that someday, somehow they will see you and accept you and truly love you for who you are - and be able to express that love.

You’ve done your duty as an obedient child long enough

I'm in my 50s and my father has been dead for over 20 years. I regret that I didn't cut things off with him sooner so I could begin my recovery sooner. I'm sorry that my mother, until the very end, enabled him and expected me to cater to him as we all had to do when my siblings and I were young. I grieve the childhood I should have had.

Anyone who thinks we'll regret cutting off a toxic parent hasn't lived what I've lived.

Anonymous wrote:My father wasn’t abusive, but rather completely absent and negligent when I was growing up. Then, when I became a young adult, he felt the phone only worked one way and that it was the child’s duty to call the parent. I just stopped calling one day and basically didn’t talk to him the 20 years before he died. And when he did die a few years ago, I felt...nothing.

Maybe if you haven’t been there, you can’t understand, but I cry more when someone I know peripherally in my community dies than I did for my own father. You reap what you sow.

This brings me some hope.

My father cut me out of the picture recently. He has hated me for my entire life. He is a psychopath or a sociopath. I have returned the favor by cutting him out.

People who know him don't know the extent of his depravity. He can be very charming, like many psychopaths.

I just cannot take it anymore. I have a normal, peaceful, but busy life with my kids and husband. Add in my family drama and it just guts me. It derails my whole life, the fighting, the insane scenarios, the deaths, the grief, the gaslighting, I feel like I am in an alternate universe I didn't sign up for and I feel broken now. I need to be able to focus on my life without all of their drama and craziness.

Anonymous wrote:I’m being sincere here. Why cut someone off that is close to death? No personal visits, but maybe a card on occasion.

Dying doesn't excuse your behavior in life.

Anonymous wrote:Did not bother me at all

This. No regrets and no tears. Cried enough from the abuse over the years.

Anonymous wrote:I’m being sincere here. Why cut someone off that is close to death? No personal visits, but maybe a card on occasion.

She is 60 something. She could have 30 years left.

I’m being sincere here. Why cut someone off that is close to death? No personal visits, but maybe a card on occasion.