Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

+1

You’ve left out a lot of important details. You know if this program is necessary for this adult child. If it is, your partner’s ex’s net worth has no baring on this situation. You married your partner understanding the responsibilities, baggage, whatever this came with.

Not fair to the OP. Marrying the spouse doesn’t mean this adult child gets to be a burden on her or him for life. Nothing wrong with not wanting to pay for stepkids. This is an adult!

Like I said, OP knows if this program is necessary or not. Big difference between a failure to launch adult with adhd and a young adult with serious mental handicaps. If it’s the latter, OP and his partner are responsible for the duration of this person’s life. It’s very hard, no doubt.

It's pretty telling that OP hasn't come back and clarified what the disabilities are.

It doesn't matter. Child has been through several programs unsuccessful. Mom wants it, mom can pay.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others that it depends on the severity. But I disagree with others that you should be paying half. It should be split proportionately based on income.

No, it shouldn't be proportional to income. If one parent feels strongly, they can pay for it when another disagrees. At this point, OP has her own kids, this child is an adult and had multiple opportunties and enough is enough. If mom agrees, she can pay. At this point, they need to apply for disability and find supportive housing and get him as independent as possible.

Agree with others that it depends on the severity. But I disagree with others that you should be paying half. It should be split proportionately based on income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

+1

You’ve left out a lot of important details. You know if this program is necessary for this adult child. If it is, your partner’s ex’s net worth has no baring on this situation. You married your partner understanding the responsibilities, baggage, whatever this came with.

Not fair to the OP. Marrying the spouse doesn’t mean this adult child gets to be a burden on her or him for life. Nothing wrong with not wanting to pay for stepkids. This is an adult!

Like I said, OP knows if this program is necessary or not. Big difference between a failure to launch adult with adhd and a young adult with serious mental handicaps. If it’s the latter, OP and his partner are responsible for the duration of this person’s life. It’s very hard, no doubt.

It's pretty telling that OP hasn't come back and clarified what the disabilities are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

+1

You’ve left out a lot of important details. You know if this program is necessary for this adult child. If it is, your partner’s ex’s net worth has no baring on this situation. You married your partner understanding the responsibilities, baggage, whatever this came with.

Not fair to the OP. Marrying the spouse doesn’t mean this adult child gets to be a burden on her or him for life. Nothing wrong with not wanting to pay for stepkids. This is an adult!

Like I said, OP knows if this program is necessary or not. Big difference between a failure to launch adult with adhd and a young adult with serious mental handicaps. If it’s the latter, OP and his partner are responsible for the duration of this person’s life. It’s very hard, no doubt.

If you can't afford to pay for the professional development program I wouldn't pay. You are giving what you can and that should be enough.

Anonymous wrote:No obligation to keep paying random certifications and one year degrees that lead to nowhere. The kid is just not wanting to try to get a job. He needs an advisor well versed in his disorder or learning capabilities to match him to a job or career- even USPS- and then he needs to stick with it.

You have a lot of expenses for your current family and child raising and retirement. Focus there, not enabling adult stepson.

You know it’s not easy to get a job as a letter carrier? It’s not a jobs program for people with developmental disabilities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the exact nature of the disabilities, what the young person is capable of, and what they want! Also, if you envision significant issues lifelong, is there a trust?

My HFA/ADHD teen son may be in this situation in a few years.
I really hope his father will be on board to support him until he becomes completely independent. We have a window of about 10 years starting now that will make or break any hope he has at a decent professional outlook, and I don’t want finances to be an added obstacle (not that the best options are necessarily costlier).

If your child cannot be independent they are not HFA. You need to apply for disability.

+1 it’s regular autism if that severe.

If an aspie or HfA is not getting a job treat their anxiety and depression. Most are addicted to their jobs once they find it, long term relationships are another thing ...

No obligation to keep paying random certifications and one year degrees that lead to nowhere. The kid is just not wanting to try to get a job. He needs an advisor well versed in his disorder or learning capabilities to match him to a job or career- even USPS- and then he needs to stick with it.

You have a lot of expenses for your current family and child raising and retirement. Focus there, not enabling adult stepson.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the exact nature of the disabilities, what the young person is capable of, and what they want! Also, if you envision significant issues lifelong, is there a trust?

My HFA/ADHD teen son may be in this situation in a few years.
I really hope his father will be on board to support him until he becomes completely independent. We have a window of about 10 years starting now that will make or break any hope he has at a decent professional outlook, and I don’t want finances to be an added obstacle (not that the best options are necessarily costlier).

If your child cannot be independent they are not HFA. You need to apply for disability.

It’s more the combination of the two, and there are degrees in independence, PP. Right now he’s 15, so we’re not sure what he’ll be able to do as an adult.

Anonymous wrote:It is not for you to fund. I would say no. If he is disabled he needs to apply for social security and they have a work program through social security or another low cost training program.

If the kid has not made enough $$ for regular SSDI and assets in their own name (e.g. a trust fund other than a special needs trust, or a house they live in) SSI will be a problem.

What kind of professional development program are you talking about? Is this an adult child who did, oh, a MFA they didn't quite finish and then tried law school and now thinks an MBA is the ticket? Or is it something that offers a solid chance at them being independent? Are both the kid's parents in agreement as to the kid's needs and prospects or is one parent calling the shots? (I'm thinking of people I've known in similar situations--although in a couple of cases the kid, male in both cases, managed to marry a high earning spouse who didn't care if they worked or not, so there's always that chance!)

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the exact nature of the disabilities, what the young person is capable of, and what they want! Also, if you envision significant issues lifelong, is there a trust?

My HFA/ADHD teen son may be in this situation in a few years.
I really hope his father will be on board to support him until he becomes completely independent. We have a window of about 10 years starting now that will make or break any hope he has at a decent professional outlook, and I don’t want finances to be an added obstacle (not that the best options are necessarily costlier).

If your child cannot be independent they are not HFA. You need to apply for disability.

It is not for you to fund. I would say no. If he is disabled he needs to apply for social security and they have a work program through social security or another low cost training program.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

+1

You’ve left out a lot of important details. You know if this program is necessary for this adult child. If it is, your partner’s ex’s net worth has no baring on this situation. You married your partner understanding the responsibilities, baggage, whatever this came with.

Not fair to the OP. Marrying the spouse doesn’t mean this adult child gets to be a burden on her or him for life. Nothing wrong with not wanting to pay for stepkids. This is an adult!

Wrong. Kids are for life, particularly vulnerable ones. Reaching 18 doesn’t magically make disabilities go away!