Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 23:25     Subject: Re:Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:I'll be the voice of disset. A 15 yr old doesn't see the long term impacts of his decisions.

When my DC was younger, I pushed DC to do some things that I thought would be good for DC. DC hated it, but deep down, DC knew that I was right. So, DC did what I pushed DC to do. Years later, this activity helped DC, and DC realizes it and is grateful that I pushed DC. DC is now 15.

I don't know your kid's situation, but sometimes, in some things, it is worth pushing your kid.

Frame it this way.. no matter what happens, we are not pulling you out of private for xyz reason. Are you really going to give this up to spite us when in the long run this activity is for you?

Also, if he gives up soccer, what activity will he do? I always tell my kids they have to do something - a sport, after school activity, something. So, what will he do?

I would not take away the phone for this. But, make it clear that he has to do something. Give that choice to him.


Agree with this - most 15 year olds who've considered/talked about/threatened/said they were quitting "x" would be thrilled if us as parents said "ok, I'm tired of shuttling you around to all of your stuff".

They are kids, they'd rather be doing other things and they aren't thinking about the long term. Most kids need some kind of push be it tiny or a shove unless they are extremely driven and it shouldn't only be those kids who see the benefit of continuing something they've put so much time into.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 22:50     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Let him play on a travel or rec team with his old friends. Also, did you have home tested to find out why he was struggling in school? I’d be more concerned about figuring that out. If you want him to do a school based activity, he should get to pick the activity.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 22:43     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care.


OP again. You don't understand why I think my son would benefit from a positive connection with his new school?


Does the positive connection have to be soccer?


+100

Don’t use his passion against him.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 22:02     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care.


OP again. You don't understand why I think my son would benefit from a positive connection with his new school?


Does the positive connection have to be soccer?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 21:55     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care.


OP again. You don't understand why I think my son would benefit from a positive connection with his new school?


Is it really that you think he would benefit, or is that you would benefit if your kid became the star of the private school soccer team?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 21:53     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a Tiger Parent, let me tell you there is an art to it.

You can't force multiple major things on one kid at the same time. You can enforce then one after the other, with a decent interval in between, or push several kids to each do one major thing at the same time.

But if you push too hard, especially when they're teens, you'd better watch out because they will either rebel right there and then, or hate you for the next several decades.

So what's more important to you? Staying in that school and no soccer? Or going to his old school (with an ADHD diagnosis and meds to help with his executive functioning, if that's the cause of his disorganization) and winning a coveted spot on a team?

Or... if there's something he badly wants, can you bribe him to do both school and soccer? His dream car?
I don't advise bribing, but sometimes it works. Use in moderation.



OP, you need to bribe him to play soccer.

He will regret dropping out. Soccer will help him build confidence, and I think this is especially important for a kid who was struggling academically. I have a 17 year old nephew with ADHD, and soccer is everything for him.

You forced private school. Now you bribe for soccer. That is how it works.


You may have missed the follow up that he is already playing on two other teams. He is refusing to play on a third team.

+1. People aren’t reading the posts.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 21:46     Subject: Re:Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
OP, you are controlling.

He’s already overtraining if he’s playing on two teams, and you want him to play a third?

If he doesn’t want to play for his school, let it go.

You don’t have to let him go back to his old school, but you do have to let him figure out how he’s going to exist in the current one.

Please read “The Self-Driven Child.” If you don’t give your son some sense of agency, you are going to screw him up majorly — and screw yourself in the process, because you will own it if he fails to launch.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 20:33     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a Tiger Parent, let me tell you there is an art to it.

You can't force multiple major things on one kid at the same time. You can enforce then one after the other, with a decent interval in between, or push several kids to each do one major thing at the same time.

But if you push too hard, especially when they're teens, you'd better watch out because they will either rebel right there and then, or hate you for the next several decades.

So what's more important to you? Staying in that school and no soccer? Or going to his old school (with an ADHD diagnosis and meds to help with his executive functioning, if that's the cause of his disorganization) and winning a coveted spot on a team?

Or... if there's something he badly wants, can you bribe him to do both school and soccer? His dream car?
I don't advise bribing, but sometimes it works. Use in moderation.



OP, you need to bribe him to play soccer.

He will regret dropping out. Soccer will help him build confidence, and I think this is especially important for a kid who was struggling academically. I have a 17 year old nephew with ADHD, and soccer is everything for him.

You forced private school. Now you bribe for soccer. That is how it works.


You may have missed the follow up that he is already playing on two other teams. He is refusing to play on a third team.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 20:24     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:As a Tiger Parent, let me tell you there is an art to it.

You can't force multiple major things on one kid at the same time. You can enforce then one after the other, with a decent interval in between, or push several kids to each do one major thing at the same time.

But if you push too hard, especially when they're teens, you'd better watch out because they will either rebel right there and then, or hate you for the next several decades.

So what's more important to you? Staying in that school and no soccer? Or going to his old school (with an ADHD diagnosis and meds to help with his executive functioning, if that's the cause of his disorganization) and winning a coveted spot on a team?

Or... if there's something he badly wants, can you bribe him to do both school and soccer? His dream car?
I don't advise bribing, but sometimes it works. Use in moderation.



OP, you need to bribe him to play soccer.

He will regret dropping out. Soccer will help him build confidence, and I think this is especially important for a kid who was struggling academically. I have a 17 year old nephew with ADHD, and soccer is everything for him.

You forced private school. Now you bribe for soccer. That is how it works.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 19:44     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Ah, I get it now. He’s not refusing soccer, he’s just refusing school soccer. I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to do anything about this (except for nagging/persuading). I’m a Tiger Mom Lite who has forced a lot of things on my kids when they were young, but at this age you have to back off, or you’re actually going to lose your ability to influence your kid because they will find you unreasonable. Now, if he refused all extracurriculars, he’d have to get a job and start paying for certain things himself (or volunteer to help others if he couldn’t get a job, and I would pay him). He has to make appropriate efforts at school or lose privileges. But you shouldn’t force a particular activity at this age, no matter how right you are. And my kid has refused plenty of things that i somehow got him to do anyway (but didn’t force), and he loved them as I knew he would, so I know exactly how you feel about him making a stupid choice, but you have to let him do that.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 19:12     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer?


NP, that's simply not true. Many schools have athletic programs that are considered supremely superior to any private organization.


Not in soccer, aside from maybe two specialized boarding programs, and those are only equivalent to Academy, not "supremely superior."


+1. This isn’t about the private school having a superior program, it’s about OP and their DH trying to force their son to enjoy a school experience he hates because they don’t want to consider that school might not be the right fit for their son, despite the improved grades.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 18:33     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer?


NP, that's simply not true. Many schools have athletic programs that are considered supremely superior to any private organization.


Not in soccer, aside from maybe two specialized boarding programs, and those are only equivalent to Academy, not "supremely superior."
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 18:24     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:As a Tiger Parent, let me tell you there is an art to it.

You can't force multiple major things on one kid at the same time. You can enforce then one after the other, with a decent interval in between, or push several kids to each do one major thing at the same time.

But if you push too hard, especially when they're teens, you'd better watch out because they will either rebel right there and then, or hate you for the next several decades.

So what's more important to you? Staying in that school and no soccer? Or going to his old school (with an ADHD diagnosis and meds to help with his executive functioning, if that's the cause of his disorganization) and winning a coveted spot on a team?

Or... if there's something he badly wants, can you bribe him to do both school and soccer? His dream car?
I don't advise bribing, but sometimes it works. Use in moderation.

There is no way OP has had this evaluation done. It’s better to paper over the issue than properly address it.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 18:19     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care.


OP again. You don't understand why I think my son would benefit from a positive connection with his new school?

So you want to cut off his connections to his old teammates in the process?

This isn’t going to end the way you think it will.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2021 18:16     Subject: Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care. [/quo
OP again. You don't understand why I think my son would benefit from a positive connection with his new school?


If he’s just playing for fun, and then decides it’s not fun and refuses to play, what’s the big deal? You’re not looking at athlete recruitment.