Anonymous wrote:I am late 30s, my children are 5 and 1. I have not spoken to my mother in 7 years. Long story short, she is a narcissist, abusive (all forms) and bipolar. She has done some terrible, unforgivable things since I was a child, and therapy never helped. She has never acknowledged any of it, and has blamed everyone but herself for her life. I have done everything to try and have a healthy relationship with her with boundaries, but ultimately came to the realization once i was married that she is not going to change and I cannot keep torturing myself with trying to make things different. I have started thinking about my children and if/when they ask about her. I am not sure how to approach this, and am starting to feel a bit of guilt although I have absolutely no reason to. Has anyone gone through this, how did you get past it? I am and have been in therapy since i was 18.

Similar situation here (one DC, 13, I stopped talking to my mom when I was about six months pregnant). I've talked to my DC about my parents and my childhood (in age appropriate terms as they have aged) and I don't ever get a question about why they've never met my mother. I know its easier said but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I terms of getting past it, I think that's very specific to each person. I've never been in therapy, I know my parents were awful and I've learned how to be a parent by doing the exact opposite of them. I was a child, they were adults and the guilt and blame should lie with them not me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was very honest with us about why we didn’t see her mother. She kept it simple when we were young, but when we got to about middle school probably is when we heard more details. When my mom told stories of her childhood, she always called her mom by her first name. So she was never “grandma” to us. I think not having that family identifier helped because no one ever regretted not knowing our grandmother or wanted a relationship with her.

Do you have a relationship with your mother, pp? Some people in the peanut gallery love to tell us that cutting out our toxic parents means we will be cut out.

Yes, I do. We’re very close and my daughter absolutely loves her. I think the honesty has helped us to have a healthier relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My psycho mean mother met my now 15 year old once when he was 6 months. She never met my now 12 year old and now 11 year old.

She died two years ago about 15 miles from us. While in hospice and about 5 days before she died, she reached out several times begging for us to come see her. I deleted her voicemails.

She died alone in a hospital bed, having not seen or spoken with me in 14 years and not having met two of her three grandkids.

Be nice to your children people or you to will die alone and sad.

Just to get a sense, what are examples of the meaner things she did?

Called my employer and lied in an attempt to have me fired.
Called my in laws and lied claiming I was having an affair
Routinely sent me taunting emails stating that the family (her side) was so relieved I was estranged because they hated me all along
Ridiculed my concern when my eldest was hospitalized with disease

Stuff that I as a parent just now look back on as so vile that I can't believe I came from her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am late 30s, my children are 5 and 1. I have not spoken to my mother in 7 years. Long story short, she is a narcissist, abusive (all forms) and bipolar. She has done some terrible, unforgivable things since I was a child, and therapy never helped. She has never acknowledged any of it, and has blamed everyone but herself for her life. I have done everything to try and have a healthy relationship with her with boundaries, but ultimately came to the realization once i was married that she is not going to change and I cannot keep torturing myself with trying to make things different. I have started thinking about my children and if/when they ask about her. I am not sure how to approach this, and am starting to feel a bit of guilt although I have absolutely no reason to. Has anyone gone through this, how did you get past it? I am and have been in therapy since i was 18.

Is mental illness your (her) fault?

What are you prattling on about?

Anonymous wrote:I am late 30s, my children are 5 and 1. I have not spoken to my mother in 7 years. Long story short, she is a narcissist, abusive (all forms) and bipolar. She has done some terrible, unforgivable things since I was a child, and therapy never helped. She has never acknowledged any of it, and has blamed everyone but herself for her life. I have done everything to try and have a healthy relationship with her with boundaries, but ultimately came to the realization once i was married that she is not going to change and I cannot keep torturing myself with trying to make things different. I have started thinking about my children and if/when they ask about her. I am not sure how to approach this, and am starting to feel a bit of guilt although I have absolutely no reason to. Has anyone gone through this, how did you get past it? I am and have been in therapy since i was 18.

Is mental illness your (her) fault?

Anonymous wrote:My psycho mean mother met my now 15 year old once when he was 6 months. She never met my now 12 year old and now 11 year old.

She died two years ago about 15 miles from us. While in hospice and about 5 days before she died, she reached out several times begging for us to come see her. I deleted her voicemails.

She died alone in a hospital bed, having not seen or spoken with me in 14 years and not having met two of her three grandkids.

Be nice to your children people or you to will die alone and sad.

Just to get a sense, what are examples of the meaner things she did?

My psycho mean mother met my now 15 year old once when he was 6 months. She never met my now 12 year old and now 11 year old.

She died two years ago about 15 miles from us. While in hospice and about 5 days before she died, she reached out several times begging for us to come see her. I deleted her voicemails.

She died alone in a hospital bed, having not seen or spoken with me in 14 years and not having met two of her three grandkids.

Be nice to your children people or you to will die alone and sad.

Just say she lives far away and you haven't seen her in many years. I would not lie, but I would just slowly give them age appropriate information.

Anonymous wrote:That would scare me and give me anxiety if I was a kid. I would just say she lives far away and doesnt have a phone or a computer but maybe you will visit someday. Leave out all of the negativity it seems too much.

No, wouldn't do this at all. Starting off with a lie. Just say the smallest doses of truth until your kids are older and can handle more age appropriate conversations. Kids aren't stupid.

My kids are in HS now so I'm a bit further down the road than most people. Like PPs have suggested, I've never lied to my kids but have used age appropriate language to explain and model the discussion - and believe me, it's a discussion, especially if there's mental illness in your family. These are the topics the discussion has generated:

Bad/hurtful behavior should never be tolerated or excused.
Sometimes you need to separate yourself from people who hurt you
Being a family member or related to someone does not make it okay for them to treat you badly
Kids get a lot of chances to make mistakes and to learn from them so kids are never in danger of being rejected by their family
Family is what you create, not who you are related to. When you're a kid, your parents are always your family. When you're an adult, you get to choose who is in your family

As my kids have gotten older, we've had a lot of discussion about mental health and that while it may explain behavior, it doesn't excuse it. "Love" isn't enough in a relationship. There also needs to be respect.

Something about which I need to remind myself is that my kids don't know how they're supposed to think about things, or what is "normal/expected" in families. They learn that from us.

So I tell my kids the truth, in an age appropriate way. In your circumstance I might say "My mom treated me very badly and so I don't see her anymore." Period. As they get older you can say more, or you can say that she has a mental illness, or you can say that you are protecting them from the possibility she might treat them the way she treated you, etc... But I would just be fairly honest.

And I would create a grandmother type relationship for them elsewhere - with an aunt, or best friend, or elderly neighbor, etc....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That would scare me and give me anxiety if I was a kid. I would just say she lives far away and doesnt have a phone or a computer but maybe you will visit someday. Leave out all of the negativity it seems too much.

Do not follow this horrible advice. Lying is never good.
Why would someone suggest lying.

I assume Pp was responding to my comment.

To clarify-the comments about being able to make your own life are things I would envision sharing when they are young adults.

The stuff about my mom not knowing how to be a mom is something I would share when they are a bit older-maybe tweens/teens?

Anonymous wrote:That would scare me and give me anxiety if I was a kid. I would just say she lives far away and doesnt have a phone or a computer but maybe you will visit someday. Leave out all of the negativity it seems too much.

Do not follow this horrible advice. Lying is never good.
Why would someone suggest lying.

Don’t undo what took years to do. She has not earned the right to know your kids. You did the right thing by cutting her out.

That would scare me and give me anxiety if I was a kid. I would just say she lives far away and doesnt have a phone or a computer but maybe you will visit someday. Leave out all of the negativity it seems too much.