Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document what you were told and when.

Set up a code message she can send if really in trouble.

+1 send her an email with anything she said has happened in the past approximate dates. Tell her you are there for her if it gets bad. The record will be really important if it does and she decides to leave.

Do NOT do this. Call her and ask her to email this info to you from a new secure email she created somewhere other than home

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have BTDT. "Fortunately" he was only physically abusive when he was drunk, so sometimes she could avoid him and he would sleep it off and he'd be fine. emotionally he was abusive all the time Here are things we did

1. She knew I was available 24/7 with zero judgement. I didn't judge her or give her a hard time that she wasn't leaving him. She knew she could call me at 2am saying he hit her and I would ask what she needed from me. There was no "you need to leave, how can you stay with him?" Discussion.

2. I helped keep documentation. She would send me photos or copies of texts and I would have a file on my computer. He was very manipulative with technology

3. We had code words. If she texted me "do you want to grab coffee at X" she knew it meant she needed me to get her that afternoon because he was going out drinking.

4. We had a small group of friends and had a plan for when she was done with him

5. We kept up with our friendship. He was an asshole, but he would never want to give the outward appearance that things were bad. He knew he had her manipulated to stay so he wanted her to go out with friends and have the appearance of a happy and perfect wife.

This was all a couple of years ago and she finally left him. It was a rough road for her but she had a good support group and a good therapist. Pretty sure her ex is still a loser alcoholic and my friend now has a great boyfriend.

You are a wonderful friend, may you be blessed to have been such a blessing. I have a friend like you and her heart is pure gold.

+1 - these are all great.

Other things I have seen suggested via this board/elsewhere:

1) gift cards - like AMEX type ones - so she has a source of funds if she has to leave suddenly;
2) Definitely a code word/phrase;
3) does she want to leave a "go bag" with you? Change of clothes, toothbrush, copies of important documents. etc.;

You are a good friend.

Anonymous wrote:I would error on the side of caution and report. The covered of not doing anything could get someone seriously injured or killed. If your friend cuts you off for reporting that’s her problem. You do the right thing.

Again, who do you "report" it to? do you live in the real world?

This is a dumb suggestion - please stop making it.

Anonymous wrote:I have BTDT. "Fortunately" he was only physically abusive when he was drunk, so sometimes she could avoid him and he would sleep it off and he'd be fine. emotionally he was abusive all the time Here are things we did

1. She knew I was available 24/7 with zero judgement. I didn't judge her or give her a hard time that she wasn't leaving him. She knew she could call me at 2am saying he hit her and I would ask what she needed from me. There was no "you need to leave, how can you stay with him?" Discussion.

2. I helped keep documentation. She would send me photos or copies of texts and I would have a file on my computer. He was very manipulative with technology

3. We had code words. If she texted me "do you want to grab coffee at X" she knew it meant she needed me to get her that afternoon because he was going out drinking.

4. We had a small group of friends and had a plan for when she was done with him

5. We kept up with our friendship. He was an asshole, but he would never want to give the outward appearance that things were bad. He knew he had her manipulated to stay so he wanted her to go out with friends and have the appearance of a happy and perfect wife.

This was all a couple of years ago and she finally left him. It was a rough road for her but she had a good support group and a good therapist. Pretty sure her ex is still a loser alcoholic and my friend now has a great boyfriend.

You are a wonderful friend, may you be blessed to have been such a blessing. I have a friend like you and her heart is pure gold.

I have BTDT. "Fortunately" he was only physically abusive when he was drunk, so sometimes she could avoid him and he would sleep it off and he'd be fine. emotionally he was abusive all the time Here are things we did

1. She knew I was available 24/7 with zero judgement. I didn't judge her or give her a hard time that she wasn't leaving him. She knew she could call me at 2am saying he hit her and I would ask what she needed from me. There was no "you need to leave, how can you stay with him?" Discussion.

2. I helped keep documentation. She would send me photos or copies of texts and I would have a file on my computer. He was very manipulative with technology

3. We had code words. If she texted me "do you want to grab coffee at X" she knew it meant she needed me to get her that afternoon because he was going out drinking.

4. We had a small group of friends and had a plan for when she was done with him

5. We kept up with our friendship. He was an asshole, but he would never want to give the outward appearance that things were bad. He knew he had her manipulated to stay so he wanted her to go out with friends and have the appearance of a happy and perfect wife.

This was all a couple of years ago and she finally left him. It was a rough road for her but she had a good support group and a good therapist. Pretty sure her ex is still a loser alcoholic and my friend now has a great boyfriend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the people saying to report it. What are they suggesting—you call 911? They won’t do anything except tell you to tell your friend to make a report. If they did make a call to the house, it would likely just increase the danger to your friend.
If your friend is a teen or if the kids are being hit, that’s different.

I am PP who is a mandated reporter. I would report it to county DSS.

There are resources in every county, every state, for women who are in immediate danger in their current homes.

But how does reporting work exactly? DO they show up to the house and investigate? Find nothing and then what?

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the people saying to report it. What are they suggesting—you call 911? They won’t do anything except tell you to tell your friend to make a report. If they did make a call to the house, it would likely just increase the danger to your friend.
If your friend is a teen or if the kids are being hit, that’s different.

I am PP who is a mandated reporter. I would report it to county DSS.

There are resources in every county, every state, for women who are in immediate danger in their current homes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

If there are children in the household, and the children are exposed to violence, even if hte violence isn't directed towards them that's enough to trigger a mandated reporting obligation in DC.

I don’t get the people saying to report it. What are they suggesting—you call 911? They won’t do anything except tell you to tell your friend to make a report. If they did make a call to the house, it would likely just increase the danger to your friend.
If your friend is a teen or if the kids are being hit, that’s different.

My ex got into physical altercations with me seldom but with increasing frequency. At first it was just a small finger flick on the forehead in 2004 (privately in a public environment so I couldn't react without making a scene), and in 2012 it ended in full facial smacking (privately while my family was visiting) and my calling it quits there and then.
Let me think, I'd say these occurrances were spaced apart by 2-3 years in the beginning but became worse after the kids were born (I'd say a year between occurrances) as his financial responsibilities increased. What was obvious to me was the escalation of force, the increasing incidences and the fact that it wasn't going to get any better.

It wasn't daily abuse, but it was always lurking in the background and poisoned the marriage.

I hate to say it but some women confide these family secrets without any intention of doing anything to change their marriage.
My own mother griped and complained endlessly about my father for decades (no, he did not hit her, he just disappointed her) - told everybody about it.
I, on the other hand, said nothing about my situation and when I decided to end the marriage it was a surprise to everyone.

The sharing of this information is more about needing to have someone to talk to. It might serve your friend talk with a professional therapist to tease out the why, what, how going on in her head. Primarily, why does she accept this? There are usually other reasons than financial dependence.
Their marriage needs help.
She also needs help, not necessarily from him, but from herself for the decision she has made (and will make in the future) and continuing to accept her marriage.

I would error on the side of caution and report. The covered of not doing anything could get someone seriously injured or killed. If your friend cuts you off for reporting that’s her problem. You do the right thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.

Op again, ut where would I report it to. I didn't witness anything. I don't even have exact details of when anything happened like dates or anything. I'm also worried that if I were to report, my friend would find out and cut me out of their life.

Give her the contact info for the women’s center (hq in Vienna va) and the National abuse hotline.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.

Op again, ut where would I report it to. I didn't witness anything. I don't even have exact details of when anything happened like dates or anything. I'm also worried that if I were to report, my friend would find out and cut me out of their life.

OP here. Friend admitted to the spouse hitting them before. I don't know if this was a singular incident or not because they wouldn't give a clear answer, so I'm assuming more than once. Also, mentioned people say and do things they don't really mean.
I don't want to give too much detail as they are local.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mandated reporter, so I would report it.

Where is it the law that someone is a mandated reporter on a grown adult without disabilities?

PP. I would report it. Someone has to.