Anonymous wrote:So what is the solution? How do you stop the cycle?

Get therapy or work on your own self esteem. When you have self esteem and then start dating again.

Anonymous wrote:Because society protects, promotes and defends men who treat women badly and vilifies the women who try to hold them accountable, maybe?

Honestly this. Just take a peek at the relationship thread any time a woman questions a man's behavior she's vilified. Or told she should be grateful he does anything at all or he'll cheat on her.



It's also still in 2021 women's value is tied up in having a man being married. Someone will post about absolute crap behavior from a guy and sure enough, someone will show up and say well my now DH did the same thing and we've been married now for 20 years. No reference to if he changes is said no the important thing is she got a man.

In the case of my sister, she was fat and approaching 40. So she married a guy with THREE DUIs and had two kids with him. She calls me every now and then crying that he's bingeing but she refuses to leave him. Our family was perfectly normal. I think she's just a very gullible and naive person. It happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. They're stupid
2. They're inexperienced with men
3. Low self esteem
4. A combo of any of the above three

This is incredibly mean, even by DCUM standards. I'll give you #2 and #3, but calling people who accept poor treatment "stupid" makes me think you are someone who takes advantage of others and feel justified in it.

Agree with PP that many women are conditioned to think that if someone treats them poorly, it's their own fault. That's how I was raised to, and I had messed up relationships in my 20s as a result. I worked on it though and also got a little lucky and am now married to a great guy. He doesn't treat me like a queen, but we have a partnership of equals and he is respectful and kind.

NP. Replace stupid with uneducated. I imagine that's what PP was getting at.

Oh and also, blames the women for “picking” these men rather than asking the question “why do so many men treat women shabbily”

Because society protects, promotes and defends men who treat women badly and vilifies the women who try to hold them accountable, maybe?

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you why I did. Really shitty examples growing up. It took FOREVER to unlearn. Seriously, some of the hardest work I've ever done. I could write a book about the effects of crap dads and the fallacy of "staying together for the kids."

My Dad wasn't crap. But they had a horrible marriage and he was gone a lot for work. So I'd fall for guys that were emotionally or physically distance. And as long as they were nice some of the time, I put up with it. And figured I just had to try harder. I mean my blueprint for what marriage is was so bad. Lots of repeating what my parents did-- Mom overly invested with really unrealistic expectation of romance and who my Dad really was, Dad emotionally and physically distant. So I would pursue and they would distance, and I called it LOVE. And fights were just part of what people in love did. Plus the saying that relationship are hard work. I couldn't differentiate between putting in effort to a good relationship and beating a dead horse of a bad relationship.

My advice--if you are going to stay together for the kids, find a way to have a good working relationship or just get a divorce. Just staying married for the sake of staying married doesn't prevent the kids from being damaged.

^^ *they don’t start out treating you bad**^^

Anonymous wrote:Maybe that's all they can get and they want sex. They know the deal.

You deserve that which you give to others. Be careful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not being judgmental; I'm curious if it's confidence or what. On the other hand, some women have spouses who treat them like queens. What is the recipe?

Have a father who loves and respects you and his wife.

This.

I didn’t have a father present, and my mother didn’t date anyone ever. I never saw a healthy relationship dynamic up close and personal; it was always observed from the outside. I’ve unconsciously made a lot of poor choices just be defaulting to the familiarity of rejection and abandonment because it is what is familiar. I went for the man that rejected me and walked away from the wonderfully loving men who accepted me exactly the way that I was. I’m not stupid. I’m not unteachable. I’m not someone with a low sense of self worth, nor am i bitter or insecure, etc. I didn’t know I was doing it until I got help and someone explained the dynamic. These weren’t people that looked like losers coming out the gate — but when there were signs to give pause, I noted it and continued ahead. When you learn better and do better, you become better. Sometimes the process of the unknown is more intimidating than the bad you know and have “overcome”. They start out treating you bad. They end up getting to the point where they do and once that happens — you don’t want to leave because they is what is familiar. If you can change the dynamic with them, it can fill the hole that was left my an irresponsible parent.

This is why staying for kids is bullshit, so is divorcing and never having a relationship, as is divorcing for selfish reasons. There are a zillion and one ways to screw up a human being’s life. The best thing we can teach ourselves and our children is how to live healthy happy and with self respect, no matter what conditions we are raised in. That is what creates a remnant that can reproduce without dysfunction. You live you learn you love. Surprisingly not everyone does all three fully. A lot of brokenness in this world. But also lots of love and healing in each other if we are brave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not being judgmental; I'm curious if it's confidence or what. On the other hand, some women have spouses who treat them like queens. What is the recipe?

Have a father who loves and respects you and his wife.

+100

I’ll tell you why I did...

He was great until I was pregnant with our 2 nd child. He had a metal health breakdown. There were no signs that he would end up being terrible to me.

As soon as I noticed an issues I sought therapy.

Everybody missed it, my therapist, my family, my friends.

I would describe his behavior and I was told... marriage is work, everybody has ups and downs, it gets better when the kids are older, this is totally normal with young kids, you are being too sensitive, you need to fulfill his emotional needs.

After a few years I did my own research, diagnosed him, found and fired many therapist until I found one that could help (lots of bad therapists out there).

Anonymous wrote:It all stems from low self-esteem and not realizing one’s worth. The way to break the cycle is work on loving yourself. When you do, you don’t allow bs into your life.

+1. I’ve been in a series of terrible relationships with men who have treated me horribly. It wasn’t until the last relationship that it really clicked that I’m the common denominator in all these relationships and I started therapy. Being back the layers, it’s neglect from childhood that caused me to believe I wasn’t that great of a person and didn’t deserve any better. Combine that with a people pleasing personality, and I stayed in bad relationships, because I didn’t want to hurt my partners, even when they were hurting me.

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you why I did. Really shitty examples growing up. It took FOREVER to unlearn. Seriously, some of the hardest work I've ever done. I could write a book about the effects of crap dads and the fallacy of "staying together for the kids."

I'd like to hear your thoughts on The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Maybe that's all they can get and they want sex. They know the deal.