Anonymous wrote:I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

I had that immediate thought as well. But my advice would be the same either way, which is to do bedtime jointly until perhaps a better routine can be set up or let the person who is better at it be the one to do it while the other person does something else.

My husband is so much better at handling DL than I am. I get flustered when the kids are flustered and I can't fix anything that's wrong with Zoom or whatever, so he takes on most of that. I step in if he has a call that can't be moved during a time they need assistance but otherwise it's on him because he is better at it and there is no sense in having us both doing it at the same time.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes equitable isn’t precisely even. If it makes things easier overall, there’s no harm in splitting things according to your strengths, not necessarily according to the calendar.

Work together to find a division of labor that works better for everyone.

Yes, this. My husband and I are true 50/50 partners, but that doesn't mean we each do half of all tasks. I do most of the laundry, he does most of the dogs. I handle the grocery shopping, he handles the house stuff. And so on and so forth. Play to each other's strengths and acknowledge each other's weaknesses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

+1 I thought the same thing. The writing style did not read masculine to me.

Which has happened. If the DH was the one flaking on bed time responsibilities everyone would be calling him a jerk. When it is the wife, it is "well what can you do to help make it easier for her? Maybe you should do all the behind the scenes work so she doesn't have to do as much. You should just take over bed time (not paying attention to the part that he's trying to get work done during his off nights) and she can do something else. You're probably not really doing as much as you think you are aroun dthe house and with the kids"

We all have our strengths as parents. Pointing out that she's not as good as you at bedtime is sort of mean and meaningless. So what? You have two choice. Either team up, or take over bedtime in exchange for passing off another chore to her -- which she is better at.

Bragging about your bedtime finesse or putting her down for not being as adept as you -- who the hell cares?

My husband and I don’t divide every chore exactly down the middle. Each of us has our own strengths, and each of us has things we find disproportionately challenging. So we divy up chores in part based on our respective strengths. I do bedtimes most nights because I, like you, am better at maintaining a routine that gets the kids to sleep on time. My husband is terrible at it and the kids runs wild whenever he does bedtimes, so instead of doing bedtimes he cleans up the kitchen from dinner and preps the kids’ lunches for the next day.

Agree with PPs saying play to your strengths. DH does dinner and bath and bedtime just about every night. I do most mornings and cooking.

How old are the kids? Honestly, we have found that routines like those are best done consistently. Every night, I do bedtime with our toddler; my spouse does bedtime with our six year old. The kids know exactly what the expect. In the morning, we switch: my spouse does a morning book with our toddler, cuddle on the couch with the six year old while she reads to me.

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

+1 I thought the same thing. The writing style did not read masculine to me.

We have a similar dynamic. In our case it’s bc My DH is much more efficient with bed time, while it takes me forever to get them down. I think DH is just much more resolute about getting them through the routine, whereas the kids know I’m a pushover and will often agree to one more book or snuggle round. We have a good 50/50 split in household and kids, but no question- if we need the kids down by a certain time, he’s the one to take that job that night.

What is she doing during her "off" nights? Is she reading in bed or is she behind the scenes laying out pajamas, making sure bathrooms have towels, putting stuffed animals in the correct room? She is making your routine run smoothly and you don't realize it? If that is the case, I would reciprocate and do the same for her. If she is relaxing or working and you really do have it down yourself, I feel you. Maybe run behind the scenes and do the pre work to help her to avoid being interrupted.

Are the kids different with mom than with dad? We have a problem right now in our house where our 3 yr old is just a total mama's girl at the moment and she will do what I ask but if my husband asks her to do the same thing in the exact same way, there's a meltdown. It's tricky because we don't want to encourage the favoritism, but depending on the task, it is sometimes much easier for me to just come do it than for my husband to go 10 rounds with her. If I help, he can do other things. I'd rather help him with that child at bedtime than have the house descend into chaos because one child is losing it over something trivial.

We just make up for it in other ways. And we also know it will pass -- kids go through these periods of favoritism with both parents and outgrow them, sometimes you have to roll with it and just wait for it to shift.

I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes equitable isn’t precisely even. If it makes things easier overall, there’s no harm in splitting things according to your strengths, not necessarily according to the calendar.

Work together to find a division of labor that works better for everyone.

+1

+2. You will both be happier this way.

+3. Especially in the pandemic, things are unlikely to be perfectly even. Let her take over some other duty and you do bedtime. It's good for bonding anyways.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I wish I had this problem. There is no parenting task that we split like this and absolutely no parenting task at which he is better than me. I dream of something he can automatically do and be effective and calm about without needing step by step hand holding.

Ages matter here - if kids are over 3, this is unacceptable and you should talk to her and tell her you will not be able to respond because you are 1. Wearing headphones, on a call.... If kids are 6 months and 2 years old, well I have more sympathy for needing back up.

It was similar with my XH. I did most all parenting tasks and he was supposed to do most all household tasks. He didn’t keep up his end of the deal in a couple of areas but when he did it made such a huge difference. Any alleviated burden is helpful with young children. Maybe OP’s wife would be better cleaning or doing laundry or managing the accounts or anything other than bedtime. Maybe she does mornings and dad does evenings? I don’t know but there are many ways to divide a pie.

Is she home with the kids all day or do you both work full time? When I was home I was 100% done by bedtime. It was excruciating to me and the kids were frankly sick of me too and it never went well. She might just be too burnt out to split this evenly. Can you do bedtime and she pick up some other evening chore that would otherwise be on your plate?