DW has a very demanding job, manager level and is the primary earner (but not interested in being breadwinner and having me SAH, and that would mean moving to some distant suburb for her to commute). I have a full time job, which all of my colleagues treat as a demanding role (their wives are almost universally pre-school or elementary teachers, so the priority is on their job not their wives) and they live in far suburbs like Prince William.

Which means I'm living like these NYT moms, caring for kids all day, calling into meetings and trying to keep my kids quit, working if they have a few minutes of independent play, and then catching up with work at night and weekends (time shifting is the recommended policy by my leadership). DW is basically on meetings from 8am-6pm, and her company does not tolerate cute kit interruptions like that BBC Interview Dad...

I worry the lack of sleep is going to leave me vulnerable if we catch COVID; I already have risk factors and should be spending more time exercising and getting healthier but that is like priority #99 in life right now. I honestly wish I could get by on less sleep.

And I worry about my career, I know my colleagues are curious about how it ALWAYS sounds like a circus when I have to speak during meetings, they make "jokes" about it now.

Anonymous wrote:Vaccinate the teachers. Then open the damn schools. - my primal scream

+1

I work a high-risk job outside of the house as a unionized professional. I didn't have the option to protest going to work unless I quit or found a remote job. We've been wearing masks at my workplace for a year and have low staff infection rates despite being exposed to COVID from our high-risk clients as well as each other.

Vaccinate the teachers, ramp up ventilation and sanitation protocols, follow common sense guidelines even if it's inconvenient or costs more to staff, seek alternatives to traditional classroom instruction as long as it gets kids out of the house. School districts and teacher unions need to get it together.

Anonymous wrote:It’s a version of what our society has done to poor women, who disproportionately women of color, for, what, our whole history? Part of the system maintaining itself is keeping women too exhausted to advocate for change, as a PP noted.

My primal scream is in response to “school is not daycare,” because, yes, school is a form of childcare. I will always be enraged at anyone who dared say that, particularly teachers. I don’t expect them to solve it, but if you don’t acknowledge this truth, GFY.

I don't think individual teachers say this very often, at least not any more. It was a union talking point, but unions have mostly quietly dropped it because they saw so much angry response from it. Unions are aware of just how angry community members are, and have pivoted their talking points. These days it's mostly said by isolated and wealthy white women.

It's a horrible thing to say. One of the nastiest parts of this pandemic has been hearing hearing unions and teachers wildly disparage childcare workers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I hate that they paint this to be just a women’s issue. My husband and I are both struggling. I know many other men doing their share also struggling. Painting this in black and white terms as a problem that only impacts women is not accurate.

Why are people so afraid to say something disproportionately affects women?? It can both disproportionately affect mothers and affect many men as well (single parent Dad?) or in different, harmful ways. Doesn't mean we can't discuss the former. And the endless deflection is part of the problem.

I get what the PP is saying - in our personal experience our husbands are doing a lot. But I recognize that isn’t the case for many. Women had to leave jobs, single moms (of which there are more than single dads) have it especially rough. Something has to give and it is often the moms job.

I didn’t necessarily “give” since my job was flexible before too. Like many moms, I carry more invisible work (appointments, worrying about development and reading about parenting, child care planning, clothes, doctors etc), which is of course “more.” But day to day my husband takes equal physical care of the kids (meaning we both spend equal hours a day with our small kids), but when they go to bed at 7 and we get the house picked up (~730), my husband has to get back to work on his laptop and often works till 12. I don’t have to do that bc my job is more flexible (and I am happy with my career, don’t want more). So on a day to day basis my husband is way way way more stressed than I am. I can do some self care between 8-10 each night. He has zero time for that. If the kids wake up early I try to let him sleep in a bit (if 6:30 is sleeping in!) because I feel so terrible for how tired he must be from sleeping just 5 or 6 hours a night. It’s gotta be way worse for single moms who work. I also have a lot of empathy for sahms right now. My friends who stay home really relied being able to get out of the house. They can’t do that as easily so there is no way to break up the day. At least I can say “mommy has a call sweetie.”

I think what you're missing is that this is true for a lot of us, but the "invisible work" or more accurately, the "executive household management" is what breaks us down. I'm lucky to have a nanny who takes on some of this, but after 1 year I'm simply exhausted. My job is also one with a high level of executive demands, and I'm just completely exhausted with always having to make decisions, having to anticipate issues, or having to solve problems...particularly those that were avoidable with a little up front planning.

DH has a demanding and complex job, and I know he spends a ton of his time thinking ahead and trying to anticipate and avoid problems. At home, he just reacts...meaning that kids will be cranky and hungry by the time it occurs to him that they need to be fed, and then there's another time lag while food is being prepared. I know the common advice is to leave the house or just ignore when this happens...but that ultimately means it's a consequence for me. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to hide in a corner where I can't hear the chaos. I just want him to occasionally take ownership of a meal, which includes thinking ahead so he can be ready with food at the time when people are hungry.

And if women were rewarded or recognized in any way for all of this, it would probably be better. But even at work we don't get rewarded as well as our male colleagues for our ability to multi-task and handle complex situations.

I'm a healthcare provider who has been working on a hospital unit that cares for COVID patients throughout this crisis. My husband has been working from home since last March. We have 2 young kids. Things are tense, to say the least. I am an ash heap and am beyond exhausted from trying to keep my house in order and "teach" my kids 5 days/week and caring for people at work. I am constantly on edge and struggling.

My marriage wasn't great before COVID, but it's much worse now. My husband has turned into a resentful a**hole who barely talks to me. He has acted out in some of the meanest ways anyone has towards me, ever - saying once that like he feels bad leaving the kids under my care, implying through words or actions that I am lazy or incompetent, acting sulky if I don't prepare food for him or make a rare trip out of the house alone to run an errand (side note: he chooses not to drive), using the house we recently bought (he put more money into the down payment because he makes more than me) as leverage to guilt me into doing things for him. He wants me home but also wants me to contribute financially. He gets mad if I spent too much time ordering groceries on my phone but then eats all the food that I buy. There is no support or appreciation. I've seriously considered separating or divorcing, but keep going for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:If you're almost a year into this and you're married and you and DH are both working from home and yet you're still shouldering most of the DL, cleaning, cooking and childcare burden, I'd say "hang in there" until you and DH can assess the future of your relationship. I'd be absolutely furious if the burden of all of that was on me after all this time. I get that society is unfair and unequal, but, seriously, why are women putting up with this sh$t in the home?

Tbh, we have talked about it many many times. And I’ve yelled about it. And yes, I think this will affect our relationship for a long time. But I’ve made that clear to him and now I’m just trying to make the best of a shitty situation. It’s not going to help my kids, when they’re under enormous stress, to have a mother who resents and fumes at and yells at their dad. It just won’t help. So I’m sucking it up, meditating, pushing him when I can. When this is over, we will certainly see a therapist and hopefully can make it out of this together.

So I’m “putting up with this shit” because the other options available are worse right now. I’m glad your DH is more useful without you going nuclear, but mine isn’t, though he’s great In many other ways.

Anonymous wrote:It’s a version of what our society has done to poor women, who disproportionately women of color, for, what, our whole history? Part of the system maintaining itself is keeping women too exhausted to advocate for change, as a PP noted.

My primal scream is in response to “school is not daycare,” because, yes, school is a form of childcare. I will always be enraged at anyone who dared say that, particularly teachers. I don’t expect them to solve it, but if you don’t acknowledge this truth, GFY.

Yes! I don’t know when “childcare” became such a dirty word. School’s primary purpose is to educate, but one of its quite obvious functions is providing childcare. It’s ridiculous to deny this simple fact.

DH is a first responder, so I am one of the 66% of women who take on the bulk of childcare duties. I also work FT, and DD only does well with virtual schoolwork if I’m sitting with her and talking her through it. So that means I’ve been mom, employee, and teacher every single day for almost a year now. It used to be that when I was at home, I was just in mom mode. When I was at work, I could devote 100% of my attention to the job. Now, nobody gets 100%. My attention is always divided. It’s exhausting.

There are exactly two things keeping me employed: 1) We need the money. I can’t just quit. 2) I’m lucky enough to have a great employer. They approve PTO no questions asked when I need some time. They welcome my daughter on Zoom calls when she just can’t deal with school and wants to be near mom. They send UberEats gift cards when I’ve had a tough day.

It’s a version of what our society has done to poor women, who disproportionately women of color, for, what, our whole history? Part of the system maintaining itself is keeping women too exhausted to advocate for change, as a PP noted.

My primal scream is in response to “school is not daycare,” because, yes, school is a form of childcare. I will always be enraged at anyone who dared say that, particularly teachers. I don’t expect them to solve it, but if you don’t acknowledge this truth, GFY.

If you're almost a year into this and you're married and you and DH are both working from home and yet you're still shouldering most of the DL, cleaning, cooking and childcare burden, I'd say "hang in there" until you and DH can assess the future of your relationship. I'd be absolutely furious if the burden of all of that was on me after all this time. I get that society is unfair and unequal, but, seriously, why are women putting up with this sh$t in the home?

Anonymous wrote:

I hate that they paint this to be just a women’s issue. My husband and I are both struggling. I know many other men doing their share also struggling. Painting this in black and white terms as a problem that only impacts women is not accurate.

Why are people so afraid to say something disproportionately affects women?? It can both disproportionately affect mothers and affect many men as well (single parent Dad?) or in different, harmful ways. Doesn't mean we can't discuss the former. And the endless deflection is part of the problem.

I get what the PP is saying - in our personal experience our husbands are doing a lot. But I recognize that isn’t the case for many. Women had to leave jobs, single moms (of which there are more than single dads) have it especially rough. Something has to give and it is often the moms job.

I didn’t necessarily “give” since my job was flexible before too. Like many moms, I carry more invisible work (appointments, worrying about development and reading about parenting, child care planning, clothes, doctors etc), which is of course “more.” But day to day my husband takes equal physical care of the kids (meaning we both spend equal hours a day with our small kids), but when they go to bed at 7 and we get the house picked up (~730), my husband has to get back to work on his laptop and often works till 12. I don’t have to do that bc my job is more flexible (and I am happy with my career, don’t want more). So on a day to day basis my husband is way way way more stressed than I am. I can do some self care between 8-10 each night. He has zero time for that. If the kids wake up early I try to let him sleep in a bit (if 6:30 is sleeping in!) because I feel so terrible for how tired he must be from sleeping just 5 or 6 hours a night. It’s gotta be way worse for single moms who work. I also have a lot of empathy for sahms right now. My friends who stay home really relied being able to get out of the house. They can’t do that as easily so there is no way to break up the day. At least I can say “mommy has a call sweetie.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to discount the Times but what in here impressed or validated you exactly? Isnt this article basically a vanilla and cleaned up version of DCUM threads?

I agree. I usually love the times and always read articles about the unfair burden on working mothers, BUT this one was poorly done. I didn't learn anything new, and they missed a huge opportunity to discuss a lot of new angles, like actual health impacts, alcoholism, increased use of mental health medication for example.

Agree. It was sloppy reporting that retold an oversimplified story of “women have it harder in the pandemic.” There’s so much more Nuance to it than that.’It didn’t go into the impact on fathers, same sex couples, or other complex families (ie divorced kids splitting time between households during a pandemic). It reinforced the narrative that “dads just don’t do enough” (except that is not what I witness in at lest half the couples I know — many dads are actually pulling their weight, but this doesn’t fit an oversimplified narrative). It provided oversimplified solutions - single kids, just being a casserole to your mom friends and feel bad for them. Or open schools - never mind community spread rates or the fact that many parents may not want their unvaccinated kids back in school
Yet until the virus is under better control. Let’s not talk about how parents are coping in unhealthy ways - sleep deprivation, drug/alcohol use, secret smoking/vaping, anti anxiety meds. Or discuss the overall pandemic impact on marriages, increased fighting, etc. There were a lot of other angles they could have gone into that just weren’t addressed.

I love how this suggests that non-parents are responsible for people with children. Not. This is infuriating. Individuals without dependents already pay more than a fair share of taxes to fund schools and early child development initiatives. Its really entitled to think you have the right to suggest people mule for you because their life is performatively easier.

Friends, do your part.
If you don’t have children at home, think of ways to help those who do. Set up a meal train. Offer to take children for a distanced park walk or read to them on Zoom. Mail an activity kit. (Just make sure it’s one that doesn’t require much adult involvement.)

Community, do your part.
Some places have started programs to connect child care providers or tutors with families that can’t afford to hire them. Local governments could also help parents by creating more family activities outdoors, where it’s safer — designating pedestrian streets, keeping playgrounds open, or hosting library story times or gymnastics classes in parks.

*Times* with a capital T

Anonymous wrote:Not to discount the Times but what in here impressed or validated you exactly? Isnt this article basically a vanilla and cleaned up version of DCUM threads?

I agree. I usually love the times and always read articles about the unfair burden on working mothers, BUT this one was poorly done. I didn't learn anything new, and they missed a huge opportunity to discuss a lot of new angles, like actual health impacts, alcoholism, increased use of mental health medication for example.