Anonymous wrote:Wow - very careless.

Guessing you weren't invited

Don’t feel that guilty. If people are close enough to her to know she has a 12/13 year old and close enough to know she’s Jewish, they are going to figure out there was a Bar Mitzvah service and party without them.

Unless she’s also secretive about her religion or her offspring, the secret Bar Mitzvah wasn’t going to be a secret for very long.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the feeling OP. It is awful. Trust though that it will blow over. Apologize and move on.

On the underlying facts though, it is a little unfair of her to even ask you to keep it a secret, and for her to want it to be. You all are close enough to have an active group text going, but she expected this to NEVER get out? She never wanted to be able to talk about her kid's bar mitzvah openly and have to keep secrets around it? Weird. And if it is virtual, why limit the guest list? What was the point?

That was my first thought. Unnecessary drama on your friend’s part. Better to invite everyone you know and let them show or not. The need to create exclusivity around bnai mitzvah in this area is so annoying. The personalized hoodies aren’t enough?

Yes, this is what is frustrating. Even when it IS possible to invite EVERYONE some people won't AND other people are happy and eager to be part of the exclusive group.

For DS's we invited all the parents of the kids. A few declined, a few happily attended, and a few attended I think because they thought it would be too rude not to. Although I preferred to let guests decide for themselves if they wanted to come, I did feel a little bad knowing some would probably feel guilty saying no. As a host you really can't win as others will criticize the invite as a "gift grab".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Virtual parties are a new form of torture much like the crazy drive by birthday party.

+1

LOL. I love you, can we be friends. I am sure the DCUM police is coming after to say we are so selfish and awful. I am worse...I feel this way about most showers in person and a lot of in person ceremonies. I have awesome friends, but with work and kids I don't have endless time and patience for these rituals. Maybe when I am old and retired I will love it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a virtual party. who would want to even do that.

Good point. The uninvited are probably thankful.

This. I am Jewish. I love my friends. I am not offended if not invited to something. My kids do NOT want to sit through these ceremonies and I can only take so much. I am happy to send a gift and note though. I think people are being way too dramatic. At least one of those people is thinking "Huge relief!" Jerry Seinfeld had a hilarious article about how everyone obsesses about their weddings snd impressing their guests and a lot of guests adore you, but would rather not give up a weekend to sit through this whole thing and they feel guilty saying no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the feeling OP. It is awful. Trust though that it will blow over. Apologize and move on.

On the underlying facts though, it is a little unfair of her to even ask you to keep it a secret, and for her to want it to be. You all are close enough to have an active group text going, but she expected this to NEVER get out? She never wanted to be able to talk about her kid's bar mitzvah openly and have to keep secrets around it? Weird. And if it is virtual, why limit the guest list? What was the point?

That was my first thought. Unnecessary drama on your friend’s part. Better to invite everyone you know and let them show or not. The need to create exclusivity around bnai mitzvah in this area is so annoying. The personalized hoodies aren’t enough?

Yes, this is what is frustrating. Even when it IS possible to invite EVERYONE some people won't AND other people are happy and eager to be part of the exclusive group.

Anonymous wrote:I know the feeling OP. It is awful. Trust though that it will blow over. Apologize and move on.

On the underlying facts though, it is a little unfair of her to even ask you to keep it a secret, and for her to want it to be. You all are close enough to have an active group text going, but she expected this to NEVER get out? She never wanted to be able to talk about her kid's bar mitzvah openly and have to keep secrets around it? Weird. And if it is virtual, why limit the guest list? What was the point?

+1

Anonymous wrote:I know the feeling OP. It is awful. Trust though that it will blow over. Apologize and move on.

On the underlying facts though, it is a little unfair of her to even ask you to keep it a secret, and for her to want it to be. You all are close enough to have an active group text going, but she expected this to NEVER get out? She never wanted to be able to talk about her kid's bar mitzvah openly and have to keep secrets around it? Weird. And if it is virtual, why limit the guest list? What was the point?

That was my first thought. Unnecessary drama on your friend’s part. Better to invite everyone you know and let them show or not. The need to create exclusivity around bnai mitzvah in this area is so annoying. The personalized hoodies aren’t enough?

Virtual parties are slightly more fun with only 10 squares present. With 50 or 100, it is useless.

This is why the guest list was limited.

For the service, unlimited numbers is fine.

Apologize profusely and move on. I like the PPs suggestion of flowers! I also agree most people will not be hurt they were not invited, especially during covid times, and would be relieved