As much as people complain about commuting in VA, or at least NoVa, commuting in and out of NYC is another level. I don't know how old your kids are, OP, but having a dad around and not stuck at the office/commuting is at least as important when kids are in middle and high school than when they are toddlers or in elementary school.

I have lived in both NJ and NYC so I don't hate either place as VA residents are supposed to, but I'd probably try to live in Brooklyn or close-in Westchester before considering somewhere further out on Long Island or NJ. And even then I'd think pretty hard about how much of the additional parenting load I was about to shoulder for the next X years.

Pp again because apparently I can’t finish my thought in one post but if it’s helpful - if you swapped your situation and someone were to offer my husband a better commute but we had to live in NY, I would not take it after experiencing being close to family. I would keep his longer commute and family nearby.

Op, DH and I grew up in and around NYC, and now live in Northern VA. We both felt that the NY area is much more of a rat race feel, especially since everything there is town by town. Odds are you would move into one of the "better" school district, which means you would be constantly keeping up with the Joneses. And the parent who doesn't commute to the city becomes the default parent.

That said, we wouldn't have an issue moving back (or elsewhere, if the opportunity presented itself). Except we wouldn't move to Long Island - it takes FOREVER to get anywhere.

Pp who commented on the family nearby benefit, I re-read and saw your parents are in poor health so it may not end up being a support to you. But still, I can’t comment on living in ny since I never have. But my family and friends are in the dc area and we chose to move from another large city with better commutes to be closer to family and it’s been well worth it to us. I didn’t grow up close to my grandparents and watching my toddler build such a close relationship is really cool - it’s really clear that for us (with parents with good boundaries and a good relationship) this is a huge positive for our son. Even if your parents can’t provide a ton of support, it’s still nice to have your little community which it sounds like you would. We did move very close to our parents which I’m grateful for - we almost chose a different suburb and then decided if we moved here to be close let’s be close and not have to make big drives for that. So I would consider that if the commute makes any sense at all (again I don’t know ny). I do think your husbands commute and longer hours are a bit negative to be considered but I feel like there are positives others aren’t mentioning

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of ny did you grow up in? I think it depends. I live in Va now, and I’m not really seeing much reason to stay, TBH. Schools are much better in the NY/NJ suburbs. I would probably want to live in NJ or CT not in Westchester. In Long Island, I’d do garden city.

I am from Long Island. My parents still live in Long Island. I am open to where we would live. I love Manhattan. This decision is not about money but DH would make more than enough to cover the cost of living difference.

This decision will be based mostly on where we want to raise our family. I feel I have clouded judgment because I miss my family and my parents are getting old and in poor health. The move would be better for me but not so sure if it is better for the rest of our family.

Your kids are better off having their dad with them 6+ additional hours a week. Nothing else you've mentioned has a clear benefit or downside for them.

Commute is definitely biggest negative factor - but other benefit not mentioned for kids and all is being close to grandparents and other family. This is usually a benefit for kids and parents having support is a benefit for kids. Any way he can negotiate more telework so he can mitigate some of the commute issues?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What part of ny did you grow up in? I think it depends. I live in Va now, and I’m not really seeing much reason to stay, TBH. Schools are much better in the NY/NJ suburbs. I would probably want to live in NJ or CT not in Westchester. In Long Island, I’d do garden city.

I am from Long Island. My parents still live in Long Island. I am open to where we would live. I love Manhattan. This decision is not about money but DH would make more than enough to cover the cost of living difference.

This decision will be based mostly on where we want to raise our family. I feel I have clouded judgment because I miss my family and my parents are getting old and in poor health. The move would be better for me but not so sure if it is better for the rest of our family.

Your kids are better off having their dad with them 6+ additional hours a week. Nothing else you've mentioned has a clear benefit or downside for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

Can you expand on this? Thanks!

That means you have to live in the South. County based school districts don’t exist in the NE

For the love of God can we NOT enlighten these blissfully ignorant people?? Please and thank you.

Anonymous wrote:New Yorkers are insufferable, so I'd stay in Virginia.

VA people HATE NY - reason enough for me to pick NY, given the choice, OP.

I would stay in Virginia. No place is perfect, but New York is going off a demographic cliff that will result in accelerated population loss and even greater tax burdens in the years ahead.

Anonymous wrote:What part of ny did you grow up in? I think it depends. I live in Va now, and I’m not really seeing much reason to stay, TBH. Schools are much better in the NY/NJ suburbs. I would probably want to live in NJ or CT not in Westchester. In Long Island, I’d do garden city.

I am from Long Island. My parents still live in Long Island. I am open to where we would live. I love Manhattan. This decision is not about money but DH would make more than enough to cover the cost of living difference.

This decision will be based mostly on where we want to raise our family. I feel I have clouded judgment because I miss my family and my parents are getting old and in poor health. The move would be better for me but not so sure if it is better for the rest of our family.

VA. I don’t like cold weather.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

Can you expand on this? Thanks!

That means you have to live in the South. County based school districts don’t exist in the NE

Anonymous wrote:New Yorkers are insufferable, so I'd stay in Virginia.

Are you kidding? You sound insufferable. I visit NY from VA 6-8 times a year. Everyone is friendly. Think it's you not them.

How much of a salary increase? I’d want at least an $80,000 increase in salary. Living in NY can be a hassle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't move anywhere with a county-based school system.

Can you expand on this? Thanks!

The any suburbs generally don’t have this except for New York City. Moco and Fairfax are county based school systems. They are huge and inefficient, and not open.

But on Long Island, which is NOT county based, your taxes are through the roof! I taught in Suffolk County

+1

I grew up in Suffolk County, the property taxes are insane, and the school district boundaries are super, super racist. Pass.