Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thank you, almost all of you have been genuinely supportive.

Clarification: I can live in relative squalor, she’s the neatnik. I clean to a practical level; she has much higher standards...and visible anxiety if I let things get below *my* level.

We’ve dropped our standards for cooking and cleaning already. We get take out a lot.

We used to have a housekeeper, that was even more stressful, because we had to clean before she got here, and that put a midweek task to do. DW doesn’t do midweek tasks so much. Work, walk, be fed, watch tv.

On *her* days, she gets the kids out, but someone else drives them to school. When they get home they get unrestricted screentime.

Kids are late elementary aged. Getting them to do work takes more time and effort than the task does, and so falls to me. The inconsistency makes it harder on the kids: mom gives us screentime when we get home, dad makes us clean up first.

It will be harder short term, but better in the long run if you train your kids. At that age they should be able to do the laundry, dishes, basic cleaning. Will your wife agree to backing you up on them doing chores before she allows screen time? If not, I would still do it on your days and tell them that even if you're not there, the chores you assign have to be done before screens. If they aren't, then consequences (more chores) are added on. The added-on chores can be done on the weekend if needed.

Another thing that helps in our house is getting rid of things so there's less to clean.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you find something that works for you.

I feel your pain...I cook nightly, do grocery shopping, vast majority of the cleaning and work about 6 days/week. She works from home for the most part so she deals more with school but honestly, that's minimal as the kids do it themselves for the most part. I would LOVE more help.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thank you, almost all of you have been genuinely supportive.

Clarification: I can live in relative squalor, she’s the neatnik. I clean to a practical level; she has much higher standards...and visible anxiety if I let things get below *my* level.

We’ve dropped our standards for cooking and cleaning already. We get take out a lot.

We used to have a housekeeper, that was even more stressful, because we had to clean before she got here, and that put a midweek task to do. DW doesn’t do midweek tasks so much. Work, walk, be fed, watch tv.

On *her* days, she gets the kids out, but someone else drives them to school. When they get home they get unrestricted screentime.

Kids are late elementary aged. Getting them to do work takes more time and effort than the task does, and so falls to me. The inconsistency makes it harder on the kids: mom gives us screentime when we get home, dad makes us clean up first.

Hire someone to come often enough that they know where to put things away, so you don’t have to clean for them. Probably 2-4 days/week.
Have a discussion about screens vs no screens after school. You should both be in agreement there.

Op here.

Thank you, almost all of you have been genuinely supportive.

Clarification: I can live in relative squalor, she’s the neatnik. I clean to a practical level; she has much higher standards...and visible anxiety if I let things get below *my* level.

We’ve dropped our standards for cooking and cleaning already. We get take out a lot.

We used to have a housekeeper, that was even more stressful, because we had to clean before she got here, and that put a midweek task to do. DW doesn’t do midweek tasks so much. Work, walk, be fed, watch tv.

On *her* days, she gets the kids out, but someone else drives them to school. When they get home they get unrestricted screentime.

Kids are late elementary aged. Getting them to do work takes more time and effort than the task does, and so falls to me. The inconsistency makes it harder on the kids: mom gives us screentime when we get home, dad makes us clean up first.

If you ask for help with a specific task how does she respond?

For example if you said honey plate is full today could you help me out and fold laundry, would she help or get upset and flustered?

As for therapy encourage individual therapy first instead of approaching it as problems, approach it as you love her you want to see her happy and right now she seems sad and hurting

It sounds like your standards are higher than hers for keeping the home clean and the types of meals you eat, etc. She has communicated she is overwhelmed to you - she is working full time, managing the kids/activities 2 days a week, taking on cleaning projects on the weekends...I don't doubt you are doing vastly more, but maybe the solution is not that she do more, or much more anyway. You need to figure out together the things that are "musts" and the things that are okay to let go and if neither of you has the time/energy/will to do the musts then hire help. You may have to agree to leave things undone that you would prefer be done or do them yourself, but if your wife doesn't care about those things it's not fair to resent her. She is probably frustrated that she isn't living up to your expectations for healthy meals and clean counters, but if she doesn't value those things in the same way, asking her to do them when she has already told you she is overwhelmed is not going to get the results you want. Of course, we hope that in any loving relationship our spouse will do things to make us happy or because we want them to, but that only goes so far and when those acts of consideration and kindness turn into demands they are even less motivating. I'm sorry you are carrying such a burden. Life is especially hard for so many parents right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asking gently is getting you no where. I’d have a very frank conversation. Tell her you are unhappy and considering separating. Ask her how she feels and then tell her how you honestly feel. Ask her what she needs and tell her honestly what you need.

Oh please. If this were a woman making the same complaint about her husband, you would make that recommendation. I do so much more than this person, compared to my spouse and threats like this get you nowhere.

I’m the person you quoted. I don’t think the OP should threaten to separate. I think he should be open and honest about the fact that he’s been thinking about it. I often here people claim to be blindsided when their spouse asks for a divorce. People need to be honest with each other before it gets to that point. I believe this for both men and women.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read your whole post, but for a while I was not pulling my weight around the house, even though I am a stay at home mom and DH was in big law.

The things that helped:

1. DH stopped saying anything about it and I didn’t feel as judged. This is counterintuitive, but if you look up advice from professionals about the situation, you will find that this is the first piece of advice they give.

2. I got my depression and anxiety under control.

3. I discovered the joy of listening to music while I cleaned.

4. I looked up how many hours other people cleaned each day and I was super embarrassed that I didn’t do as much.

5. DH started appreciating more the things I did do, like taking kids to appointments and activities and spending time with them.

Good luck. I know it can be a huge strain and you are right that it isn’t okay when one partner doesn’t pull their weight.

I agree with this. It sounds like anxiety and possibly depression, and the more you mention her shortcomings, the more likely that she will freeze up. It's very very likely that she already feels bad about herself.

Give her positive feedback and attention about what she does do. There might be more on that list than you realize. Maybe talk together about how you both can simplify life to better get a handle on things.

Anonymous wrote:Hire a housekeeper. Even if you hire someone full time, it’s still going to be cheaper than paying for a divorce and maintaining two separate households.

I just wanted to add that we have had housekeepers 20 hours/week since our third was about six months old. She is in fifth grade now. The amount that DH and I have worked, and who was the actual breadwinner has varied over the years, but our dislike of daily housework has remained steady.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

That’s cool if it works for your family, but it doesn't have to be that way and it sounds like OP does not want his household run this way.

Figure out what you want. Ask her what she wants and perhaps try to meet each other halfway.

My point is that for most households, that split is common, and it’s the wife doing all those things. I’m not saying he shouldn’t renegotiate the labor split, just saying its a pretty common one, with the wife taking those duties on in addition to a full-time job.

I agree with this. She does her own laundry, cleans and organizes every other week weekend, and plans birthday parties (and likely summer care, camps, etc.). It sounds like she also does most of the shopping for the household including clothes/groceries (or is OP buying the lunchables?), and possibly the cleaning of the rest of the house outside the kitchen.
It’s not as much as most wives do, but it’s more than most husbands do.

Hire a housekeeper. Even if you hire someone full time, it’s still going to be cheaper than paying for a divorce and maintaining two separate households.

How is it that you are driving the kids to school yet two days a week she "holds it down with Lunchables"? What is their actual schedule when she is free to do her paid job? If she is losing two days a week to childcare/DL, no wonder she is stressed.

Is she just sitting around while you do work? I've never understood people like that.

At least for DW and I when one is working the other is working too be it with cooking/cleaning/tending to the kids and we are both done and watch TV after the kids go to bed.

Realistically, about 95% of our day is the same day to day (kids need to be dressed, breakfast made, one drops off at daycare and one picks up, make dinner, clean up, etc.) and there are a few other things that are once per week like laundry, etc. so it shouldn't be that hard for her to pick one of the available tasks to work on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asking gently is getting you no where. I’d have a very frank conversation. Tell her you are unhappy and considering separating. Ask her how she feels and then tell her how you honestly feel. Ask her what she needs and tell her honestly what you need.

Oh please. If this were a woman making the same complaint about her husband, you would make that recommendation. I do so much more than this person, compared to my spouse and threats like this get you nowhere.

Actually, as somebody who was the spouse who didn’t do as much work, I don’t think this is a terrible idea. Maybe make the separation but much more tentative (“I have *thoight* about separating, that’s how hard this is for me”) but it’s totally fair to have this kind of conversation. That said, it won’t make her change. It will maybe make it worse, at least for a time, since she is probably really susceptible to shame right now. But she deserves to know.

After that I would follow the advice of a PP to drastically lower expectations for both himself and his wife. Life will be okay even if a lot less gets done, OP, and telling her to do more will *not* change how much work she does.

Anonymous wrote:Make your life simpler. What can you give uo? ARe you making elaborate meals? If so stop? Use one day to batch prep a lot of meals that just need warming up.


You don't say how old your kids are but if they are 7 or older give them a little more responsibility as far as cleaning up after themselves it's a good skill for them to have anyway.

Stop trying to control what she does on her 2 days. The kids will live with lunchables.

Get a housekeeper.

Agree with all of this, except starting even younger on chore expectations. I don’t think you posted your kid’ ages, but at 4 mine are expected to put their own stuff away, keep their room clean, move all laundry (including mine) to laundry room, put away folded clothes, bring dishes to sink, feed dog. Older kids do more. Before my kids go to bed, the house is clean so that evening is my time.