Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feels very troll TBH.

No it doesn’t. It feels like a very honest, authentic admission and a dynamic that happens in marry marriages.

Truth. I live this. There's no way she can manage your career for you and reverse roles so her only option is to come to terms with lowering her salary and the related expenditures and way of life. It's either worth it for her to "sink to your level" for the quality of life she wants or it isn't. Not much she can do about having married beta. Not much you can do about being beta. Sucks all around. Shurg.

ASSWHOLE

You have two choices:

1. Downsize your lifestyle so that she can enjoy the same leisure you do:
2. Earn more.

Right now your unwillingness to downsize is forcing your wife to carry more of the load. That’s not fair. I think you are dumb if you choose 2), personally, but it’s up to you. But don’t pretend that you’re forced into this position, given that even if you downsize you will still have plenty of money and a lifestyle better than 99.9% of the world.

The problem isn’t what you make, the problem is your lifestyle. And also that you are so content for your lifestyle to depend on her discomfort. That’s pretty selfish.

If SHE refuses to downgrade your lifestyle then that’s a whole other conversation. But as the person with the cushy job it is incumbent on you to be willing either downsize or work harder.

“ So basically I feel ashamed for being financially dumb in my 20s, hating and quitting biglaw, and not really being able to have her be part-time. Should I feel this way? It’s really damaging our marriage. I constantly scan job boards for her, brainstorm for ways for her to get out, help her network, but she makes it very clear she resents me for not earning more and being able to rescue her from her situation. ”

Yes you should feel ashame. Sorry I am not a troll and not a SAhm whom doesn’t want to work. But I support your wife. I would feel resentful as well.

I do think you need to make some sacrifices for your family. You can’t have it all. You have 3 kids! Physically and socially you are in the position to work more and earn more than her. So stop having cushy life style while your partner suffers.

Anonymous wrote:So you earn 390k total? Your $160k and she earns $230k? Or did I misunderstand?

That’s what I’m getting too. Can she go to the federal government as well? So your HHI would then be your $160k + her $100k-ish or whatever a GS-13 comes in at - higher if she lands at a 14 or 15, for a total of $260k. That’s not bad at all. But you might have to downsize your lifestyle in order to make your law school debt payments.

You both sound very impulsive and self centered. “Hey, let’s BOTH go to law school now!” “Waaaah, my job doesn’t fulfill me!” “Wow, my boss is mean!”. I suspect you a,so have big house and fancy cars because “lawyers deserve these kinds of things and we have to have over 1000 at per person in a house”.

Once you were $300k in debt and had kids, you have to prioritize financial responsibility. You want to follow your passion, you live on a shoestring budget. So as everyone else has said, suck it up, make a budget, define your financial goals, and follow the plan. You both made this mess, so you both have to buckle down and get out of it.

Anonymous wrote:

She sees my schedule and resents me, saying she wishes she could have a job with work-life balance like me, or just quit and rejuvenate for a little bit, or else find some part-time gig (salary be damned), but feels trapped because we couldn’t meet our financial goals on my 160k salary.

Bolded part is the problem and you have three options:

1. Adjust your financial goals.

2. You take on more stress and earn more.

3. Keep the status quo.

$160k is a good salary on an objective basis, but you can’t afford your lifestyle.

It’s definitely time to downsize the lifestyle. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have the loans paid off and a little breathing room.

I am not in law, but rather am a PhD Scientist. A Phd in sciences +$5 will get you a latte at startbucks -- in other words, there is no intrinsic value to the degree. It might open some doors, and might allow me to compete for jobs I find more interesting, but it is impossible to establish a dollar value. The only good side is I finished th doctorate debt free at 29 (debt free because I had stipend that covered living expenses and tuition).

So, at 30 something, I was engaged, working many hours a week, and making 60 K. My MIL could not understand how I had so little money. I was unable to explain why one would chose education for the sake of education. It only changed when we supplied grandkids.

Now, the good news/ and this can be your story: 28 years into my working carreer, my salary has continued to grow. I now make close to 200K, with debt limited to mortgage (we have 400K equity in the house). Net worth is about 2 mil. And kids college is paid for (and she is going to a good school).

The secrete is to live within the means, and spend money on things that appreciate (e.g., buy a house instead of rent an appt.). And use any retirement savings available, particularly if there is a match.

She sees my schedule and resents me, saying she wishes she could have a job with work-life balance like me, or just quit and rejuvenate for a little bit, or else find some part-time gig (salary be damned), but feels trapped because we couldn’t meet our financial goals on my 160k salary.

Bolded part is the problem and you have three options:

1. Adjust your financial goals.

2. You take on more stress and earn more.

3. Keep the status quo.

$160k is a good salary on an objective basis, but you can’t afford your lifestyle.

I do not understand your debt situation. It sounds like you two collectively make big law money. Why do you still have so much debt?

My family lives on less than you make alone (combined salary of almost 150k). I am still paying down my debt and hate it, but it’s “only” 60k and the monthly payments are manageable. We save and win our home and go on vacation and have a kid and enjoy life. And I was a SAHM for about two years when our child was a baby.

Just... make better choices. Stop letting life happen to you. Set a goal of paying down a significant portion of your debt and lower your payments. Then see if your wife can take a 6-month or year sabbatical to be with your kids and try to figure out a better job. She could potentially return to her fed gig— it’s possible the anti-telework culture has changed a lot by now. Learn to live within your substantial means. I know it’s not easy or simple when you’re in this kind of hole, but you gave the means to do it. Do it.

How much is left on your loans now? How much are you paying down in a year? Can you guys get what Dave Ramsey calls “gazelle-intense” and knock it down in a couple of years? Really reduce your lifestyle and just pound on it? It’s an albatross that’s keeping you guys from having choices in your lives. It may be worth being miserable for a block of time to get out from under it.

Why can't your wife go back to the fed government? That's the obvious answer. If she doesn't want to do that, too bad. She made her bed. I don't think you should leave your job. However, you should definitely be the primary caretaker of the kids and do most of the home stuff if you aren't already.

You both should have gone to big law after law school to pay down debt. It's hard, I know, but many of us do it. At least you tried, which is more than your wife can say.

As a wife of a lawyer who graduated law school with a ton of debt you two are dumb - that sort of debt is crushable to any financial goals. My DH had $200k in student loans and I had $60k. We refinanced and are paying them off in 10 years. Dh works big law. It’s hard and a ton of work but he is doing it to pay off his loans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feels very troll TBH.

No it doesn’t. It feels like a very honest, authentic admission and a dynamic that happens in marry marriages.

Truth. I live this. There's no way she can manage your career for you and reverse roles so her only option is to come to terms with lowering her salary and the related expenditures and way of life. It's either worth it for her to "sink to your level" for the quality of life she wants or it isn't. Not much she can do about having married beta. Not much you can do about being beta. Sucks all around. Shurg.

Dave Ramsey Financial Peace. Seriously.

You guys made dramatic insane decisions about debt. Now you need to go equally crazy to get out of it.

Sell the house, cars, replace them with clunkers you buy for cash, move into a tiny apartment and work extra jobs, no vacation, no restaurants.

You will be done with the debt and can rebuild an actual life.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feels very troll TBH.

No it doesn’t. It feels like a very honest, authentic admission and a dynamic that happens in marry marriages.

Yes it does. Here are some clues: mentions leaving biglaw, a big DCUM pot stir topic. He heads off the inevitable accusations that he doesn’t do enough at home to remove stress by claiming she appreciates what he does domestically. In fact the whole OP carefully heads off the classic first lines of attack, and also asks to validate feelings instead of asking how to solve problems. The title is a classic DCUM troll post, mentioning both resentment and money. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the exact same subject line a couple times on here, and it always gets many pages.