Anonymous
01/12/2021 17:41
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
If that is what offends your DIL, then she is at fault, not you. For being an insanely entitled person, that would get upset over something like this. Which is nothing at all of any consequence.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 17:19
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
I really question whether you don't see anyone or go anywhere. Is that literally true or are you one of the many Boomers In Denial?
Consider whether you are actually as helpful as you think you are. Do you expect her to cook for you? Socialize with you? Clean up? If she gets a break but comes down to a giant mess of toys, it isn't much of a break. If your grandchildren have school to finish up in the afternoons, does your visit mean your DIL has to figure out a different way of getting that done. Same for physical activity-- are you creating a schedule problem?
Consider whether you are actually as helpful as you think you are. Do you expect her to cook for you? Socialize with you? Clean up? If she gets a break but comes down to a giant mess of toys, it isn't much of a break. If your grandchildren have school to finish up in the afternoons, does your visit mean your DIL has to figure out a different way of getting that done. Same for physical activity-- are you creating a schedule problem?
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:52
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
You are fine. She probably just forgot. Are they not worried about getting you sick?
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:40
Subject: Re:Di you think I offended DIL?
Text tour son. Period. Stop texting your DIL.... or make a group text.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:38
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:^ sorry, consider that you may wish to go through your son instead. Maybe not and having nothing to do with this incident, but I do find your generation has a huge bias which winds up putting an undue burden on women.
What does this mean?
NP here.
It means the grandmother should arrange visits with her son instead of always reaching out to her son’s wife.,
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:35
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
They are prob busy, Jan first weeks of work and “virtual school” plus cleaning the house or undecorating are terrible!
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:34
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
Why didn't you just text again or call? Sometimes I get busy and forget about an earlier text.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:02
Subject: Re:Di you think I offended DIL?
Anonymous wrote:OP, your DIL has no reason to be upset with you but also you have no reason to be upset with her? It's understandable that your plans changed but it's also understandable that she couldn't rearrange her day on the fly and get back to you right away.
I'm also mildly put off by the way that you frame this entire thing as something you do for your son and DIL. I am sure they appreciate it, but am skeptical it is quite the act of selfless giving you are making it out to be. Presumably you like seeing your grandkids? And while a few hours of help are always welcome, it also necessitates your DIL or son organizing the kids schedule around the visit to your house, presumably driving over there, going to pick them up... this may not be the godsend you seem to think it is. It is likely more of a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get quality time with your grandkids and your son and DIL get a little break. You are painting yourself as a martyr here but I'm not even sure I would describe this as a "favor". My mom doesn't consider it a favor when she spends a couple hours with my kids -- she begs for it and wishes it could happen more often.
You're wildly projecting. OP literally said she gets to enjoy the grandkids while the parents also get a little break. Sounds like you only read what you want to read into it.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 16:00
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
Op: 1) some people close-the-loop-on conversation and 2) some people think extra communication is redundant and inefficient.
You offered to come. You offered a time, and corrected it quickly. All fine. You offered. You didn't hear back. Many would assume that a non-response gives you your answer.
You may want to assume your DIL is #2 mentioned above.
You offered to come. You offered a time, and corrected it quickly. All fine. You offered. You didn't hear back. Many would assume that a non-response gives you your answer.
You may want to assume your DIL is #2 mentioned above.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 15:53
Subject: Re:Di you think I offended DIL?
Anonymous wrote:OP, your DIL has no reason to be upset with you but also you have no reason to be upset with her? It's understandable that your plans changed but it's also understandable that she couldn't rearrange her day on the fly and get back to you right away.
I'm also mildly put off by the way that you frame this entire thing as something you do for your son and DIL. I am sure they appreciate it, but am skeptical it is quite the act of selfless giving you are making it out to be. Presumably you like seeing your grandkids? And while a few hours of help are always welcome, it also necessitates your DIL or son organizing the kids schedule around the visit to your house, presumably driving over there, going to pick them up... this may not be the godsend you seem to think it is. It is likely more of a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get quality time with your grandkids and your son and DIL get a little break. You are painting yourself as a martyr here but I'm not even sure I would describe this as a "favor". My mom doesn't consider it a favor when she spends a couple hours with my kids -- she begs for it and wishes it could happen more often.
DIL found the thread, lol!
And OP, you are great to offer this.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 15:53
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
I don't think you did anything wrong, but I suppose there is a chance she expected you Monday after 1 and you didn't show up so now she's miffed, but I would have expected her to text you on Monday if she expected you and you didn't show up. That is the only issue I can see.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 15:48
Subject: Re:Di you think I offended DIL?
OP, your DIL has no reason to be upset with you but also you have no reason to be upset with her? It's understandable that your plans changed but it's also understandable that she couldn't rearrange her day on the fly and get back to you right away.
I'm also mildly put off by the way that you frame this entire thing as something you do for your son and DIL. I am sure they appreciate it, but am skeptical it is quite the act of selfless giving you are making it out to be. Presumably you like seeing your grandkids? And while a few hours of help are always welcome, it also necessitates your DIL or son organizing the kids schedule around the visit to your house, presumably driving over there, going to pick them up... this may not be the godsend you seem to think it is. It is likely more of a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get quality time with your grandkids and your son and DIL get a little break. You are painting yourself as a martyr here but I'm not even sure I would describe this as a "favor". My mom doesn't consider it a favor when she spends a couple hours with my kids -- she begs for it and wishes it could happen more often.
I'm also mildly put off by the way that you frame this entire thing as something you do for your son and DIL. I am sure they appreciate it, but am skeptical it is quite the act of selfless giving you are making it out to be. Presumably you like seeing your grandkids? And while a few hours of help are always welcome, it also necessitates your DIL or son organizing the kids schedule around the visit to your house, presumably driving over there, going to pick them up... this may not be the godsend you seem to think it is. It is likely more of a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get quality time with your grandkids and your son and DIL get a little break. You are painting yourself as a martyr here but I'm not even sure I would describe this as a "favor". My mom doesn't consider it a favor when she spends a couple hours with my kids -- she begs for it and wishes it could happen more often.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 15:43
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
OP, why do you go through your DIL and not your son, or both?
Anonymous
01/12/2021 15:42
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:^ sorry, consider that you may wish to go through your son instead. Maybe not and having nothing to do with this incident, but I do find your generation has a huge bias which winds up putting an undue burden on women.
What does this mean?
It means there's no reason that OP can't be texting with her son about this. Her son can figure out the scheduling and all that. It doesn't need to be on the DIL.
This mentality of your family and my family and only talk to your mother and I will only talk to my mother is so detrimental and sadly it is preached on DC UM all the time. Why can’t a mother-in-law text dil? The flipside to this is the people complaining that their mother-in-law‘s never talk to them.
It's not detrimental when the alternative is that the wife handles the majority of all family interaction with both families. And that is the default much of the time. If we lived in a truly egalitarian society, then it might make sense to say "oh we are all one family, you should be able to reach out to either person." But we don't. So what happens is that everyone goes through the wife because, after all, she's just better at that stuff, she's more likely to remember, blah blah blah. It's especially true with inter-generational relationships because older generations are much more like to default to the idea that anything having to do with family/home/kids/food/caretaking is for women.
Anonymous
01/12/2021 15:35
Subject: Di you think I offended DIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:^ sorry, consider that you may wish to go through your son instead. Maybe not and having nothing to do with this incident, but I do find your generation has a huge bias which winds up putting an undue burden on women.
What does this mean?
It means there's no reason that OP can't be texting with her son about this. Her son can figure out the scheduling and all that. It doesn't need to be on the DIL.
This mentality of your family and my family and only talk to your mother and I will only talk to my mother is so detrimental and sadly it is preached on DC UM all the time. Why can’t a mother-in-law text dil? The flipside to this is the people complaining that their mother-in-law‘s never talk to them.