Anonymous wrote:It is unecessary and annoying, I agree. I've been married for 20 yrs, and have never changed my name either. Can't tell exactly from your post, but it leaves me with the impression that you may not have been married that long or have kids? My recommendation is to ignore it, and just move on. You'll be dealing with this for a long time. Tell your husband to get used to also being called Mr. YourLastName, which has happened to mine a lot over the years when meeting my colleagues or attending work related events. I also have just learned to answer to Mrs. HisLastName for things when it just isn't a big deal or necessary to correct--often my kids' friends/parents/teammates, because they naturally assume we all have the same last name. It really just doesn't feel worth the energy after a while.

That said, it annoyed me immensely years ago. So I get it. It annoyed me especially from my MIL. I think she eventually stopped...or maybe not, maybe I stopped caring? I'd have to go find a card or something from her to tell you now.

I didn't change my name. I get called Mrs. Hislastname sometimes, which doesn't really bother me. But I expect my parents and in-laws to know my name, and to use it. They aren't random acquaintances, they are family that I regularly interact with.

i didn't change my name when I married (34 years ago) and my Dad has always used my husband's name as mine. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Times he has sent checks -- I happily sign and deposit!

I know who I am -- and that's what matters to me.

Even worse. My mom wants to address women as Mrs. Husband first name husband last name. So Mrs. John Doe. She wanted this on our wedding invites even for people who had different last names and different titles (like Dr. Or Major). She went to UC berkeley in the 60s. I have no words.

That is weird and annoying.

We used to get tons of mail to "The [DH's last name] Family" and I finally just posted a thing on social media reminding people that I had not changed my last name and that the appropriate designation was either "The [my last name]-[his last name] Family" or just "[My full name] & [his full name]".

I heard through the grapevine that a few people were embarrassed when they saw it, to realize they had done something that offended me. At first, I felt bad about that -- I wasn't trying to call people out or make anyone feel bad. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized: there is nothing wrong with letting people know what your name is or what you prefer to be called. And honestly, if in the year 2021, you are just assuming women are taking their husbands' names and not even bothering to do a modicum of legwork to find out (look at their Facebook profile! send a short text saying "oh, I'm sending you mail -- are you going by your name or did you take Larlo's?", etc.) maybe you should be mildly embarrassed. Because that's presumptuous and kind of ignorant.

I use my maiden name professionally, but my married name socially. I don’t really care and answer to both.

Your parents are going with societal norms of their youth.

I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.

What’s your mom’s maiden name? I would start addressing everything to them as Mr. and Mrs. Mom’sMaidenName.

Show them they taught you the art of passive aggression well!! Up your game, OP!

My mom does this! I don’t care when people send us Christmas cards to me in my DH’s name or anything like that, but it makes my blood boil when my mom essentially quotes OP’s parents’ lists of excuses. I’ve had trouble depositing my mom’s checks at the bank when she writes them incorrectly, probably because my DH’s name is from a very different culture (even though we have a joint account!) so the tellers can’t seem to believe I would be married to him. I’ve tried to mail checks back to my mom, void them, and just tell her I really don’t need the money. She throws a tantrum about how difficult it is to remember my name and send new checks and redo her checkbook.

My name is the one she gave me when I was born. She should remember it better than anyone!

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.

Write "no such person at this address" and "undeliverable" and "return to sender" on any mail that arrives in the wrong name. Drop it in the mailbox. They'll knock it off eventually.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

Yes.

It is unecessary and annoying, I agree. I've been married for 20 yrs, and have never changed my name either. Can't tell exactly from your post, but it leaves me with the impression that you may not have been married that long or have kids? My recommendation is to ignore it, and just move on. You'll be dealing with this for a long time. Tell your husband to get used to also being called Mr. YourLastName, which has happened to mine a lot over the years when meeting my colleagues or attending work related events. I also have just learned to answer to Mrs. HisLastName for things when it just isn't a big deal or necessary to correct--often my kids' friends/parents/teammates, because they naturally assume we all have the same last name. It really just doesn't feel worth the energy after a while.

That said, it annoyed me immensely years ago. So I get it. It annoyed me especially from my MIL. I think she eventually stopped...or maybe not, maybe I stopped caring? I'd have to go find a card or something from her to tell you now.

I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

Came to commiserate. My mom and my cousin (her niece) do this and it is so unnecessary and annoying.

Anonymous wrote:I never changed my name when we got married.
DH didn't seem to care at all.
My parents insist on using my "married" name.
They use every explanation:
1) they couldn't remember I didn't change it
2) they were trying to make things easier for the postman
3) is it even legal to not change my name? (i am a lawyer--um, no)
4) they just assumed it changed automatically, and i am being difficult or incorrect
5) they didn't want to upset DH (like he didn't know about my name?)
They aren't particularly conservative on anything else, know plenty of women who didn't change their name, etc.
They make a big point to mail things to me under my "married" name.
I don't know why this drives me crazy, but it does.

It's sexist, rude, and passive aggressive. Up to you whether to call them out. They might stop if you confront them directly, but clearly they believe a woman should take her husband's name when she marries.