Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Go to hell. It's not the fault of victims. It's on rapists to stop raping. It's on police and the courts and colleges and families of rapists to stop victim-blaming, stop covering up, stop promoting rape culture.

Please try to document everything you can. Write down and date what she tells you. Ask the custodial parent to take pictures, videotape a statement. Do a rape kit it applicable. Victim may change her mind and it could be empowering in the future for her to have contemporaneous evidence that supports her if she decides later to report.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Guessing you are not a rape victim? Many of these responses are probably from the proportion of women who were. (Responder who you are probably suprised by)

I didn't go to the police.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully ... I understand your daughter not wanting to call the police. My H does rape investigation but even if she just reports it and has the police bring him in for questioning and not go forward with the case (because there is most likely no evidence) this will inform his parents and cause him some “responsibility “ for his actions... hire a lawyer.

The only way to “catch him” is to do a phone sting with the police where she calls them from their office and says I want you to apologize for what you did, he says sorry and that is an admission of guilt.

Alternatively, if you call the police and explain the situation they may just go over “to investigate” and that might be enough to scare him straight.

Just putting that out there so you know the process.

There is a 99.9% chance he won’t be convicted without vaginal tears and DNA.

You daughter absolutely needs to see a therapist that deals with trauma. She should do EMDR.

You should fly/drive to go see her and do something she likes to do.

Don’t say stuff like be more careful, don’t do X, it sends a message that she could have prevented this.

Even this is highly unlikely. He may say a general “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry you regret it,” or “I’m sorry I pressured you” - none of these are an admission to rape. He isn’t going to come out and say “I’m sorry I raped you.”

This is very untrue.

Cops know how to guide the conversation and often she will say, I said no and you did it anyway and he says yes or did we have sex last night I was passed out, and he’s like haha, yea.

Guys don’t think they are raping so they admit it, they don’t know the legal definition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

And as with BLM, the police aren't coming to save us because they are a big part of the problem. OP, I think other posters are correct that your daughter needs to leave. I would strongly encourage her to speak with a counselor with specialized training and offer to set up appointments if that seems overwhelming to her. I know there are many cultural differences in how to approach the perpetrator. Where I'm from, some well-timed visits to his home where he leaves his home to find you standing by your car watching him might send a message.

So sorry, OP. As a new college grad, my oldest DD was roofied and raped in the workplace. She doesn’t remember the actual rape, just the guy giving her a Coke and then coming to in a back room in a state of undress. She went straight to the ER. They did everything right there, including offering to call the police. She declined. I was so upset that she did not want to press charges, but she threatened to stop talking to me if I didn’t drop it. After a few weeks, some guy friends paid her rapist a visit and he abruptly left town. She did therapy. While she certainly isn’t over it, she found her own ways of taking her life back. I could have lost our relationship and not helped her at all.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Yes, I am not custodial. Out of state.

I don't want to give away too much detail but she's older than 17 and younger than 20.

I would never override her decision in this, but it pains me because I see her pain and I see more pain for others. It's a cycle with no chance of breaking without someone doing something.

Also I find law enforcement to be almost worthless (that's been my repeated experience), but I expect in cases like this they are somewhat more adept.

Gonna talk with her mom about this too.

This is a bad assumption. Not only are police not more adept at handling sexual assault cases than other crimes, but they tend to be poorly trained in how to treat sexual assault victims, and since they know how low the prosecution rate is for sex crimes (especially when the perpetrator and victim were in a romantic relationship), they tend to be less inclined to spend time and resources investigating those crimes.

Anonymous wrote:Truthfully ... I understand your daughter not wanting to call the police. My H does rape investigation but even if she just reports it and has the police bring him in for questioning and not go forward with the case (because there is most likely no evidence) this will inform his parents and cause him some “responsibility “ for his actions... hire a lawyer.

The only way to “catch him” is to do a phone sting with the police where she calls them from their office and says I want you to apologize for what you did, he says sorry and that is an admission of guilt.

Alternatively, if you call the police and explain the situation they may just go over “to investigate” and that might be enough to scare him straight.

Just putting that out there so you know the process.

There is a 99.9% chance he won’t be convicted without vaginal tears and DNA.

You daughter absolutely needs to see a therapist that deals with trauma. She should do EMDR.

You should fly/drive to go see her and do something she likes to do.

Don’t say stuff like be more careful, don’t do X, it sends a message that she could have prevented this.

Even this is highly unlikely. He may say a general “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry you regret it,” or “I’m sorry I pressured you” - none of these are an admission to rape. He isn’t going to come out and say “I’m sorry I raped you.”

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Yes, I am not custodial. Out of state.

I don't want to give away too much detail but she's older than 17 and younger than 20.

I would never override her decision in this, but it pains me because I see her pain and I see more pain for others. It's a cycle with no chance of breaking without someone doing something.

Also I find law enforcement to be almost worthless (that's been my repeated experience), but I expect in cases like this they are somewhat more adept.

Gonna talk with her mom about this too.

Why would you think this? Everyone on this thread is telling you the opposite.

OP I understand your outrage but your DD will be assaulted again by the process. They will say consensual and DD will feel assaulted all over again. She needs therapy not the ham handed approach of the police. Signed BTDT

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

Every time a rape victim comes forward, they are accused of making it up. They are accused of seeking revenge or day after regret. It always turns into a he said she said.
It won’t stop until men stop raping. It is not the victims responsibility.

Truthfully ... I understand your daughter not wanting to call the police. My H does rape investigation but even if she just reports it and has the police bring him in for questioning and not go forward with the case (because there is most likely no evidence) this will inform his parents and cause him some “responsibility “ for his actions... hire a lawyer.

The only way to “catch him” is to do a phone sting with the police where she calls them from their office and says I want you to apologize for what you did, he says sorry and that is an admission of guilt.

Alternatively, if you call the police and explain the situation they may just go over “to investigate” and that might be enough to scare him straight.

Just putting that out there so you know the process.

There is a 99.9% chance he won’t be convicted without vaginal tears and DNA.

You daughter absolutely needs to see a therapist that deals with trauma. She should do EMDR.

You should fly/drive to go see her and do something she likes to do.

Don’t say stuff like be more careful, don’t do X, it sends a message that she could have prevented this.

OP here. Thanks for the responses. Yes, I am not custodial. Out of state.

I don't want to give away too much detail but she's older than 17 and younger than 20.

I would never override her decision in this, but it pains me because I see her pain and I see more pain for others. It's a cycle with no chance of breaking without someone doing something.

Also I find law enforcement to be almost worthless (that's been my repeated experience), but I expect in cases like this they are somewhat more adept.

Gonna talk with her mom about this too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

Victim shaming is not appropriate or constructive. Stop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.