FWIW, I’m glad I went to college far away and didn’t have the ability/temptation to come home for weekends. Sometimes you have to push outside of your comfort zone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When our son decided on Stanford we told him that every month either someone would visit him or we would fly him home. So between siblings, exDH, Grandfather and me, DS could always look forward to a visit. Plus we talked and FaceTimed multiple times a week.

Yeah, you're going to miss family dinners and birthdays - that's part of college. You're also going to bring home a rando from college occasionally.

That’s absurd

Oh my goodness. I didn’t go to college all that long ago and I only came home for winter break and the first two summers. And I’m very close with and love my family!

I think you both missed pp’s real point. It’s not any college, he got into STANFORD!! Pathetic really.

It isn’t the norm to be hanging out with extended family during college so I would just remove that from the equation, I’d also make sure you aren’t projecting your nervousness about her being far away to her.

Anonymous wrote:I would just point out that she does not need to make a "forever" decision. The great thing about college is trying something for 4 years and then having a built-in opportunity to change course. If she stays on the east coast for college and then gets a dream job offer on the west coast, how will she know whether she'd like it or not? Do your experimenting now, college is temporary. If she really hates it, she can even transfer after the first year or two. But at least then she won't always wonder "what if...".

I was coming here to say just this. Let her choose. If it’s really not working, she can transfer. I know several people who did this, started out far, moved closer. While the transfer was a pain for the parents, I think overall it was positive for the student to see something totally different, meet people they otherwise wouldn’t meet, even if it was just for a year. And then they were content closer to home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son’s decision was Princeton or Stanford and we lived in Connecticut. We told him it was his decision but if decided on Stanford we could only afford to fly him home for Christmas and we wouldn’t be flying out there for Parents weekend. We had two others in college so we were very cash conscious. He decided on Princeton and loved it.

I like this approach. Make sure she is aware of how many times you’ll be able to afford to fly her home. In my case, it was only for breaks. I missed a lot of family functions but I don’t really regret that now. It did seem like a big deal at the time.

+1 I think the covid situation made people realize how beneficial it is to be within a day’s drive of home for college. We’re lucky to have so many great schools on the east coast. Imagine being told the dorm was closing in 24-48 hours? That’s stressful no matter what, but if you literally have no family nearby, that would be overwhelming to most kids.

I think this is (at least in part) what happened to my kid. The original first choice college is on the west coast, but the more DC thought about it, the more impractical going all the way across the country seemed. After putting more effort into researching and getting to know some of the other colleges on the list, DCs first choice is now on the east coast, about an 8 hour drive from home.

Just as a data point, when I moved away to college, I never moved back. I really got emotionally attached to the city I moved to. I made life-long friendships there that I still have. After college, I had job offers from my internships. I took one that kept me there, and kept me with my friends. And eventually I met the person I was going to marry, who was also from the city I moved to, and then we started a family here. And now that our children are established here, and we are invested in our community and they are settled into their school communities, I don't think we'll ever move.

However, as my parents aged, I wanted to be closer to them to help them out. And it became logistically very hard because of the distance. And I'm not sure what to do now because it wouldn't be good to move my parents away from everything they've known for 40 years. And I really don't want to move either.

But an important difference is that I couldn't wait to move away because my childhood home life was kind of miserable for me and I was never allowed out so I also never got to know and never bonded with the place where I grew up. So that aspect may be quite different for your daughter. But for me, moving away was the best thing I ever did because it allowed me to spread my wings and find myself and break away from the very tightly controlled environment that was my home.

I would just point out that she does not need to make a "forever" decision. The great thing about college is trying something for 4 years and then having a built-in opportunity to change course. If she stays on the east coast for college and then gets a dream job offer on the west coast, how will she know whether she'd like it or not? Do your experimenting now, college is temporary. If she really hates it, she can even transfer after the first year or two. But at least then she won't always wonder "what if...".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son’s decision was Princeton or Stanford and we lived in Connecticut. We told him it was his decision but if decided on Stanford we could only afford to fly him home for Christmas and we wouldn’t be flying out there for Parents weekend. We had two others in college so we were very cash conscious. He decided on Princeton and loved it.

I like this approach. Make sure she is aware of how many times you’ll be able to afford to fly her home. In my case, it was only for breaks. I missed a lot of family functions but I don’t really regret that now. It did seem like a big deal at the time.

+1 I think the covid situation made people realize how beneficial it is to be within a day’s drive of home for college. We’re lucky to have so many great schools on the east coast. Imagine being told the dorm was closing in 24-48 hours? That’s stressful no matter what, but if you literally have no family nearby, that would be overwhelming to most kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When our son decided on Stanford we told him that every month either someone would visit him or we would fly him home. So between siblings, exDH, Grandfather and me, DS could always look forward to a visit. Plus we talked and FaceTimed multiple times a week.

Yeah, you're going to miss family dinners and birthdays - that's part of college. You're also going to bring home a rando from college occasionally.

That’s absurd

Oh my goodness. I didn’t go to college all that long ago and I only came home for winter break and the first two summers. And I’m very close with and love my family!

Anonymous wrote:Our son’s decision was Princeton or Stanford and we lived in Connecticut. We told him it was his decision but if decided on Stanford we could only afford to fly him home for Christmas and we wouldn’t be flying out there for Parents weekend. We had two others in college so we were very cash conscious. He decided on Princeton and loved it.

I like this approach. Make sure she is aware of how many times you’ll be able to afford to fly her home. In my case, it was only for breaks. I missed a lot of family functions but I don’t really regret that now. It did seem like a big deal at the time.

It’s dec 29. Is there time to apply to closer schools and then she can just see where she gets in?

Anonymous wrote:When our son decided on Stanford we told him that every month either someone would visit him or we would fly him home. So between siblings, exDH, Grandfather and me, DS could always look forward to a visit. Plus we talked and FaceTimed multiple times a week.

Yeah, you're going to miss family dinners and birthdays - that's part of college. You're also going to bring home a rando from college occasionally.

That’s absurd

Anonymous wrote:I get your concern, but you should stop worrying and hold off til she has all her acceptances. Right now you are worrying about things that haven't happened yet. Yeah maybe she gets accepted to every school, but more likely only some. Once that reality is set, she compares each one based on all the factors and makes her decision, with non-judgmental input from you. She is a lucky girl to have you.

Yes as someone with anxiety I can say, don't get too far ahead. Also want to second that you are a great mom.

I'm in Los Angeles and we've got friends in DC, and family in Boston. My kid just got accepted ED to a school in the midwest where we don't know a single person, or the city. So I hear you.

I'd wait until she's got some accpetances (or one acceptance) and then go visit it.

Also, if we are talking LA, SF or SD, there are direct flights. it's all very do-able, OP.

Can you share the schools with us?

Our son’s decision was Princeton or Stanford and we lived in Connecticut. We told him it was his decision but if decided on Stanford we could only afford to fly him home for Christmas and we wouldn’t be flying out there for Parents weekend. We had two others in college so we were very cash conscious. He decided on Princeton and loved it.

I get your concern, but you should stop worrying and hold off til she has all her acceptances. Right now you are worrying about things that haven't happened yet. Yeah maybe she gets accepted to every school, but more likely only some. Once that reality is set, she compares each one based on all the factors and makes her decision, with non-judgmental input from you. She is a lucky girl to have you.