Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to answer your actual question I think you can say you and DH will decide at the time, if she asks directly. But if you are unwilling to have the employable brother move in, it might be best to tell them all that so that he can plan.

If they move in it will probably be impossible to ever get them out. Be careful.

Thanks lol. Yeah it is unclear if she is really asking for me to do the same as she has done or if she is just discussing her life and experiences. I suspect it is a combination. She has a history of making unreasonable demands and no respect for boundaries and I need to learn to just ignore ignore ignore. Anyway DH and I finally had a more focused chat about this this morning and we are on the same page on all of this stuff. It won't be easy but at least we are in it together

Anonymous wrote:Well, to answer your actual question I think you can say you and DH will decide at the time, if she asks directly. But if you are unwilling to have the employable brother move in, it might be best to tell them all that so that he can plan.

If they move in it will probably be impossible to ever get them out. Be careful.

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

That's not taking care of them. That's enabling them to cloak themselves in immaturity and disability. That is not helping someone. But hey, if you want to be a martyr, go ahead. But don't come here in ten years bitching about your brother in laws and think we'll think you're wonderful for this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the phone. There is no way I would be welcoming the able-bodied brothers to live with me.

This is something where you and your spouse need to be on the same page. NOW.

If one or both his parents are no longer able to care for themselves, what are you both able to do in terms of finances and space and time?

As for his brothers: You need to ask your husband straight up if he sees himself living under the same roof with his brothers. He may be worried about them, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to invite them into his home with his wife and kid. You need hear directly from him where his thinking is. If he says, “Oh yeah, they will need to live with us...” then you have work to do as a couple to figure it out.

What you shouldn’t do is just sit around and cross your fingers that your husband is looking at this the same way you are.

As for the comments by your MIL, just smile and respond with “That’s nice. Do you think it’s going to rain later?” Do not engage with her.

Thanks, I should have been more clear. The brother that is not working also likely has severe depression and social anxiety. I have mentioned mental health treatment but like many people with mental illness, he is not interested in getting treatment. DH does want to take him in and I agree with that. It is a big reason why we are one and done. In my culture (which is probablt different from that of most DCUM posters) we take care of our families.

Anonymous wrote:Do they all live nearby? Is MIL’s house paid for? Can she just leave it to the brothers so they can live there and dh can check on them regularly? Or perhaps you can sell the house and buy them a condo which may be easier for them to maintain. This assumes they will have sufficient assets. My mil is leaving sil her house but it is expensive to maintain. SIL will have other money from MIL but depending on her age when MIL passes, she will have to determine if she can really afford to stay in the house. She can’t do that herself and she won’t always accept help from dh (who can do this easily). It’s tough, op. Hopefully your dh’s brothers will accept your assistance and suggestions.