Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 03:52     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
18.18 here. After reading your updates I would not contact her. It doesn't sound like a professional therapist and she seems to be trying to get you to reconnect based on her own cultural bias rather than what is good for you.

Do what is right for you. Block the therapist and if you need to speak to someone do that for yourself however you don't need to defend yourself to this person, you really don't.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 02:40     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.


To clarify, I don’t judge you for going NC; it’s the fact that you can’t tell mom’s “ally” to basically eff off and are agonizing over the situation that made me suggest high quality individual counseling for you.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 01:13     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.


You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.


I don't agree with this at all.
I agree with you that you should call the counselor OP, however you should state at the beginning of the call that this will impericly be the one and ONLY time that you will have a discuss of this nature.

The counselor needs to state at the beginning of the call, before anything else is discussed, that they understand, respect & wil l abide by this.

If they don't or won't, then you thank them for their time, but if they can't respect your rule than there's nothing more to discuss.

This may be cathartic for you, OP.


I think if you are contacting the counselor this is the way to go. I just worry that this is not a professional and that they are not operating under what most of us assume to be the norms in the field of socials work/therapy/etc. I mean, if this is a person with no formal training or licensure and they are just calling themselves a “counselor” I am concerned that they will not know how to behave in a way that respects your boundaries. Just be sure you are taking initiative in making sure your needs are met if you do establish contact.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 01:03     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.


You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.


I don't agree with this at all.
I agree with you that you should call the counselor OP, however you should state at the beginning of the call that this will impericly be the one and ONLY time that you will have a discuss of this nature.

The counselor needs to state at the beginning of the call, before anything else is discussed, that they understand, respect & wil l abide by this.

If they don't or won't, then you thank them for their time, but if they can't respect your rule than there's nothing more to discuss.

This may be cathartic for you, OP.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 00:56     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mom has been seeing this grief counselor for a few years since her own mom passed away. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer or even have a smartphone so I know for certain, the email came from the counselor. The counselor even scanned cards with handwritten messages from my mom for my birthday and Christmas. Anyone reading them would go "Awww..what a nice woman wanting to connect with her daughter" but no one truly knows what I have had to endure all those years living with her. I visited the counselor with my mom when I visited my country the last time and that was how we met. I really want don't want to break NC and so I don't feel like responding. At the same time, I don't want to be rude to the counselor by not responding to her email. My spouse says the counselor was out of line and shouldnt have emailed me over a family matter.


The counselor is way out of line to scan birthday cards to you. You should do whatever is helpful and healthy for YOU. Is this grief counselor a social worker or physiologist? She doesn’t sound like a professional. Or is she more like a supportive person your mom found through a church or community group? It doesn’t really matter. I am just surprised that a professional would contact you like that. You don’t owe the counselor ANYTHING. If you want to keep up the no contact, then keep it up. Honestly.


This counselor could lose her license. I would call to verify the counselor is doing this. I suspect it is your mother or this counselor just has zero awareness of her ethics code and whar it means to violate it.


The counselor isn't in the United States, thus the licensing board in OP's home country may have different standards regarding what constitutes ethics violations, than the US does.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 00:40     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Call her and SPILL THE TEA.

When my dad died, my mom and I had HUGE fight and one topic was whose therapist would win.

I realized if her therapist knew what she did it would be "awkward".

Later I realized that she already knew, I had just not provided any data.

Let it go!!!
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 00:39     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
OP, I wouldn’t contact the counselor. It sounds like she and your mother have something of an enmeshed relationship with each other and I don’t know that your experiences and needs would be adequately respected by this counselor.
I also agree with your spouse that she was out of line for contacting you and sending personal messages to you from your mother.
Stay NC and honor your own boundaries. You do not owe anyone a discussion over your choices. And self preservation is not “cruel” as another poster suggested. It is necessary.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 00:33     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.


You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.


OP and everyone who cuts off their parent, don’t you think it’s a cruel thing to do?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 00:06     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.


You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 23:34     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 23:16     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mom has been seeing this grief counselor for a few years since her own mom passed away. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer or even have a smartphone so I know for certain, the email came from the counselor. The counselor even scanned cards with handwritten messages from my mom for my birthday and Christmas. Anyone reading them would go "Awww..what a nice woman wanting to connect with her daughter" but no one truly knows what I have had to endure all those years living with her. I visited the counselor with my mom when I visited my country the last time and that was how we met. I really want don't want to break NC and so I don't feel like responding. At the same time, I don't want to be rude to the counselor by not responding to her email. My spouse says the counselor was out of line and shouldnt have emailed me over a family matter.


The counselor is way out of line to scan birthday cards to you. You should do whatever is helpful and healthy for YOU. Is this grief counselor a social worker or physiologist? She doesn’t sound like a professional. Or is she more like a supportive person your mom found through a church or community group? It doesn’t really matter. I am just surprised that a professional would contact you like that. You don’t owe the counselor ANYTHING. If you want to keep up the no contact, then keep it up. Honestly.


This counselor could lose her license. I would call to verify the counselor is doing this. I suspect it is your mother or this counselor just has zero awareness of her ethics code and whar it means to violate it.


Just to interject, there are many different norms and ethics for counselors in different areas of the world. And yes, many times the level of qualifications doesn't have to be super high or even evidence-based. So it may not be AS out of line as it seems from one perspective
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 22:33     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 22:23     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this counselor violating the code of ethics by contacting the OP???


I wonder if it’s not a licensed counselor (like not a LCSW and not a psychologist) but instead a “counselor” through a faith group or something similar, who would not have a code of ethics.


Or much training
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 22:20     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this counselor violating the code of ethics by contacting the OP???


I wonder if it’s not a licensed counselor (like not a LCSW and not a psychologist) but instead a “counselor” through a faith group or something similar, who would not have a code of ethics.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2020 21:39     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Wait, how is this counselor violating the code of ethics by contacting the OP???