It’s called betrayal trauma. I highly suggest a therapist who specializes in it, Caitlin Olsen is someone I would recommend https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/caitlin-olsen-auburn-ca/146646

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t call it PTSD. That terms is incredibly overused and it minimizes the seriousness of the disorder.

+1. This should be reserved for victims of violence and atrocities. You’re sad, anxious, and depressed. But NOT suffering from PTSD.

It’s clinically recognized as PTSI/D. It’s real. Post-traumatic stress from Infidelity is recognized by the psych community.

Please don’t belittle what you do not know about.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

Leave his a@@. Do not wait around for the second bomb drop. Or third. You’ll just be even more depressed you wasted more time with him. BTDT.

Sorry OP but PPs are right.

You should either leave him or adjust your expectations of a marriage so that it doesn't include trust.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.

Sounds like a real keeper!

Just like he probably kept it a secret when it was happening, he would rather not discuss it now. How convenient FOR HIM.

Once again, your marriage is being guided by what he feels like doing.

IF you really want to stay with him (which I would not), then I would hire a mediator or counsellor or someone who can advocate for your needs. He needs to pay a price if he wants to stay married.

He can't not face the damage he has done. He has to help clean up the mess he made of your lives.

I'll help you get over it!

OP, your DH has to be the one to do the heavy lifting. He should answer every question you have, work to understand and anticipate your triggers, be completely transparent with electronics, etc., He needs to read the book mentioned upthread. You cannot reconcile with a spouse who isn’t doing the work - that’s a recipe for disaster and another affair.

Your husband is traumatizing you every day. Every day you're there makes it worse.

Once you're out of it, you can start to get over it.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

Wow. Do yourself a favor and leave now.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

He's a narcissist. Dump this jerk.

And to the pedantic PPs, stop threadjacking.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

OP, there's no saving this relationship. Get out for your own sanity, this man will sap everything from you leaving you as a shell if you don't leave now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t call it PTSD. That terms is incredibly overused and it minimizes the seriousness of the disorder.

Studies show the effect is similar - insomnia, invasive thinking, outbursts of anger, depression, emotional numb. Relationships with a spouse go to the core of our security. When one discovers that relationship was a lie and their world was a lie, the revelation is a trauma.

A trauma, perhaps. But not every trauma causes PTSD. Not every panic attack or depressed thought is PTSD. Again, some of us have been through years of starvation, physical danger, homelessness. I am not trying to minimize that OP is feeling terrible and that she is going through a difficult situation, but let’s not self diagnose and minimize serious disorders.

It is treated as a trauma in therapy. I participated in a betrayal trauma group run by a CSAT. Much of the therapy for betrayal is dealing with the effect of the trauma - those effects are PTSD symptoms. They have similar groups and therapy for those that suffer from the dead of a loved one.

Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

Poster above...just saw that he is not open. That matters. He has to work on it too, actually probably more than you.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.

OP, he doesn't want to "move on". He wants to take zero responsibility for his behavior and zero responsibility for repairing the relationship he broke. You cannot heal in a marriage like that. Nor should you want to. He is literally giving you no evidence that your feelings matter, that he has regret, or that he won't do it again.

At the bear minimum he should want to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, you should go for yourself. Hopefully through that counseling you will discover why you would want to stay with someone who has so little regard for you.

Good luck, OP.