Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:44     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.


I mean, it soo depends on the context and the specific words. But it seems like you're envisioning it as more of a discrete "will you be my friend?" where you make a permanent decision instead of something that develops organically. Personally if I asked someone, "hey, want to grab a cup of coffee before the pickup time for the kids' hockey camp?" and the response was, "my entire life is busy right now, I can't handle any social interaction," I would have a major WTF reaction and feel like that person was self-important. Like, I wasn't asking about your whole life, just seeing if you were free one time. I was trying to take the first step towards closer friendship, and you responded like I was trying to lay a claim on half your free time.

Imagine you invite an acquaintance to your holiday party at your house. If they come, maybe you get to chatting, maybe you learn about a mutual interest, eventually grab a coffee one on one, and over time become closer friends. Nice and organic. But instead imagine you invite the acquaintance and instead of RSVP'ing no, they send you a note saying "thanks, but you're just a random fellow soccer mom who I don't know very well; I don't have room in my life for new friendships." That's how your more direct response would come across to me.


+1

It's like someone inviting you on a vacation and you respond with "sorry, I really don't want to move to a new place right now."

The woman in the other thread acted like OP wanted her to adopt OP's kid if OP died suddenly.


There is a mom who wants to take our friendship to the next level. When I first met her, she asked me to hang out with her friends. I declined. She asked to double date. Never responded. Ask us to go to their vacation home together. I told her it sounded fun and never mentioned it ever again. She was always willing to host play dates and pick up/drive my child home from an activity.

One day she invited me to restaurant that looked interesting. I had nothing planned and was hungry. I went and met another mom that I really liked. Our kids are now good friends and in the same class. DH gets along with the dad.

I never took the friendship to the next level but we are still acquaintances and our kids are friends. There is no need to be rude.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:35     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is happening to our societ, that anybody thinks a normal reaction to an invitation of overture of friendship is to indicate in any way that you have plenty of friends so thanks but no thanks. This is not normal. I do think there is an overabundance of people in DC with the horrible combination of socially awkward with very self-important. No, you politely decline until they move on. Or, even better, give people a chance. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that important that they can't just be kind.

+1 There are people I don't want to be "friends" with, but unless I absolutely loathe them, I will be courteous and polite and attend things they invite me to if I am not busy. It doesn't mean you have to be "BFF". You can be casual acquaintenances.

IMO, this is the problem with East coast people. It's like there is some rule that you have your little BFF bubbles and can't go outside of it even to be polite or to have casual acquaintences.

Now, if you cannot stand being around them, just politely decline, "Thanks for inviting us, but we can't make it". You don't need to offer excuses. If they keep declining, I think you need to get the hint.

This is happened to me several times. Eventually, I stop reaching out, and vice versa.


+1

It is easy for anyone to navigate through life with a modicum of social skill. How anti-social must someone be, to not know this? Not everyone wants to be your best friend - stop flattering yourself with your delusions of grandeur, people.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:33     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.


I mean, it soo depends on the context and the specific words. But it seems like you're envisioning it as more of a discrete "will you be my friend?" where you make a permanent decision instead of something that develops organically. Personally if I asked someone, "hey, want to grab a cup of coffee before the pickup time for the kids' hockey camp?" and the response was, "my entire life is busy right now, I can't handle any social interaction," I would have a major WTF reaction and feel like that person was self-important. Like, I wasn't asking about your whole life, just seeing if you were free one time. I was trying to take the first step towards closer friendship, and you responded like I was trying to lay a claim on half your free time.

Imagine you invite an acquaintance to your holiday party at your house. If they come, maybe you get to chatting, maybe you learn about a mutual interest, eventually grab a coffee one on one, and over time become closer friends. Nice and organic. But instead imagine you invite the acquaintance and instead of RSVP'ing no, they send you a note saying "thanks, but you're just a random fellow soccer mom who I don't know very well; I don't have room in my life for new friendships." That's how your more direct response would come across to me.


+1

It's like someone inviting you on a vacation and you respond with "sorry, I really don't want to move to a new place right now."

The woman in the other thread acted like OP wanted her to adopt OP's kid if OP died suddenly.


And also maybe ... coffee is just coffee, and not some giant emotional commitment or strategic investigation into the type and level of friendship that you'll have? if I invite an acquaintance for coffee, it's generally because I ... feel like having coffee and conversation! If you don't have time for it or don't want to, NBD.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:30     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.


I mean, I would certainly know not to ask again if someone said that to me. Because "being invited to things" isn't such a big burden that it's justified to be rude to the person who invited you just to avoid having to decline one or two more invitations (after which they will likely stop inviting you).
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:29     Subject: s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:WTAF? If you don't have any problem with them, count them as "friend", but you are probably to busy to ever do much with them.

Send them a Christmas card and call it done.

What is up with this Mean Girl level Sh#t?


+1 OP, you sound like a mean girl. Get over yourself.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:25     Subject: s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This was the thread OP is referring to: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/933208.page


Oh, wow. Missed that one. Yeah that mom was rude and I would have been mortified, too, to get that response if I had invited someone over.


DP. I hadn't read this either. I wouldn't have been mortified but I would have been hurt/super annoyed. I'd never even say hello to that mom again. Agree inordinately mean to convey a message that could just as easily been accomplished with, 'we're so swamped right now and can't make it, hope you all have fun.'
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:23     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:What is happening to our societ, that anybody thinks a normal reaction to an invitation of overture of friendship is to indicate in any way that you have plenty of friends so thanks but no thanks. This is not normal. I do think there is an overabundance of people in DC with the horrible combination of socially awkward with very self-important. No, you politely decline until they move on. Or, even better, give people a chance. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that important that they can't just be kind.

+1 There are people I don't want to be "friends" with, but unless I absolutely loathe them, I will be courteous and polite and attend things they invite me to if I am not busy. It doesn't mean you have to be "BFF". You can be casual acquaintenances.

IMO, this is the problem with East coast people. It's like there is some rule that you have your little BFF bubbles and can't go outside of it even to be polite or to have casual acquaintences.

Now, if you cannot stand being around them, just politely decline, "Thanks for inviting us, but we can't make it". You don't need to offer excuses. If they keep declining, I think you need to get the hint.

This is happened to me several times. Eventually, I stop reaching out, and vice versa.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:22     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
We recently moved to a new neighborhood. I met a mom that I really liked. I thought she liked me too. She has 4 kids. I have 3. Our kids ages are all different. I have reached out a handful of times before the pandemic. She is always busy. I can take a hint. I don’t think she dislikes me or anything. She is focused on her 2 oldest and I’m sure she has a lot of friends in same activities. My youngest and her third child are the same age. She sends the child to preschool everyday and then busy with big kids in the afternoons. It is what it is.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:22     Subject: s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:This was the thread OP is referring to: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/933208.page


Oh, wow. Missed that one. Yeah that mom was rude and I would have been mortified, too, to get that response if I had invited someone over.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:22     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.


I mean, it soo depends on the context and the specific words. But it seems like you're envisioning it as more of a discrete "will you be my friend?" where you make a permanent decision instead of something that develops organically. Personally if I asked someone, "hey, want to grab a cup of coffee before the pickup time for the kids' hockey camp?" and the response was, "my entire life is busy right now, I can't handle any social interaction," I would have a major WTF reaction and feel like that person was self-important. Like, I wasn't asking about your whole life, just seeing if you were free one time. I was trying to take the first step towards closer friendship, and you responded like I was trying to lay a claim on half your free time.

Imagine you invite an acquaintance to your holiday party at your house. If they come, maybe you get to chatting, maybe you learn about a mutual interest, eventually grab a coffee one on one, and over time become closer friends. Nice and organic. But instead imagine you invite the acquaintance and instead of RSVP'ing no, they send you a note saying "thanks, but you're just a random fellow soccer mom who I don't know very well; I don't have room in my life for new friendships." That's how your more direct response would come across to me.


This. I read the other thread you're talking about, and that woman took an invitation to one thing -- hanging out by the fire pit -- as a request to "be friends," and then explicitly rejected that friendship ("we're just not in the market for more new friends right now"). Totally rude and unnecessary, and also completely full of herself.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:22     Subject: s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:The pandemic has given you the perfect out from the hordes of wannabe friends knocking down your door OP.

“Would love to but we are keeping our bubble small.”

FWIW a casual invitation or two is not a request for a lifelong bosom buddy situation. If you are constantly having to fend off potential friends, you may be misreading the situation.


+1 I try to be inclusive and often invite because I want to be friendly but not to force someone to be my friend.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:21     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.


I mean, it soo depends on the context and the specific words. But it seems like you're envisioning it as more of a discrete "will you be my friend?" where you make a permanent decision instead of something that develops organically. Personally if I asked someone, "hey, want to grab a cup of coffee before the pickup time for the kids' hockey camp?" and the response was, "my entire life is busy right now, I can't handle any social interaction," I would have a major WTF reaction and feel like that person was self-important. Like, I wasn't asking about your whole life, just seeing if you were free one time. I was trying to take the first step towards closer friendship, and you responded like I was trying to lay a claim on half your free time.

Imagine you invite an acquaintance to your holiday party at your house. If they come, maybe you get to chatting, maybe you learn about a mutual interest, eventually grab a coffee one on one, and over time become closer friends. Nice and organic. But instead imagine you invite the acquaintance and instead of RSVP'ing no, they send you a note saying "thanks, but you're just a random fellow soccer mom who I don't know very well; I don't have room in my life for new friendships." That's how your more direct response would come across to me.


+1

It's like someone inviting you on a vacation and you respond with "sorry, I really don't want to move to a new place right now."

The woman in the other thread acted like OP wanted her to adopt OP's kid if OP died suddenly.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:20     Subject: s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
This post reminds me of when we were selling our house. I went to a nearby open house to check out how that house compared to ours vs. price and features. I was the only person at the open house. Chatted casually with the agents, briefly. I had zero intent with the chatter - I was there to see the house. The two agents conferred with their heads together, then one comes over and tells me I ought to join a social club to meet people, because open houses are not the way to meet people. Huh? Lol. I put it down to cultural differences, as they were not American, but who knows?
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:20     Subject: s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
This was the thread OP is referring to: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/933208.page
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2020 10:20     Subject: Re:s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?
PP her but another thought:

OP, I feel like you are saying it’s a hassle for you to field a friend overture from the same person more than once, and that’s why you’d like a response that makes it clear that no further overtures are welcome.

The problem with this is that while a clear “no thanks, I don’t want to be friends” would be more efficient for you, it would be very hurtful for the other person (unless, like you, they only cared about the efficiency of social interactions and not the feeling involved — a rare thing).

Your desire for efficiency should not trump the social imperative to be kind when possible. Imagine if everyone only made efficient social choices. The works would be very cold.