Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My late husband and I went through a phase of this. It was just very impersonal sex - sometimes rough, sometimes not, but very clearly felt like being used for his enjoyment and nothing else. There was only enough foreplay to make it feasible and at no point did I feel like he cared about me.

It was hard to change. I had to make a bigger effort to drag him into the bedroom and spend time just kissing and cuddling before trying to get things going. I had to be more direct in what I said I wanted during the sex. It took a lot of time, but we got there.

OP here. This is exactly what I feel we're going through. To the other PPs, he didn't know I was crying. He wouldn't continue if he knew. Part of me just kept it going so he would be "finished" but the above really sums up how I feel...enough foreplay to make it feasible and the positions he likes makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. I know we can't make love every time, but sometimes I just have a need to feel loved, cherished, and desired in that way. Hope that makes sense!

So sorry that you are suffering.

I could not tolerate this.

Sounds like you are not feeling loved in the marriage, and that carries over to the bedroom. He is insensitive or selfish to not notice. OR you have stuffed your feelings for so long that he is just carrying out the routines you have both established. If it is the latter, that is largely on you and very unhealthy. Good now that that you are aware and talking about it (even if, to start, you are talking to strangers online)
I suggest counselling for you, to figure out why you can't express your feelings or why you stay with someone who ignores your feelings. Perhaps tell your husband you are doing it because you feel so unhappy. See if he engages??

OP here. This really hits the nail on the head...and therapy is probably in order. I do believe my husband is insensitive...I usually tell him what's wrong and he makes excuses/puts it back on me...maybe part of it is I can't express my feelings fully...I'll usually give him several different reasons of why I feel a certain way, and he'll come back and say I'm making excuses because my reasoning always changes.

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a lot more going on between you two and it's been going on for a long time to get to the crying stage. Does he even ask, "what's wrong"? and you're reply is non-factual?

OP here. This is very true...overall I just don't feel like my DH cares to really know/help fix what's wrong. So as of lately, my response to "what's wrong" is "nothing" because when I do tell him what's wrong, he just listens to respond/refute what I'm saying. It's exhausting.

If you can't discuss this with DH you have more problems than your sex life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My late husband and I went through a phase of this. It was just very impersonal sex - sometimes rough, sometimes not, but very clearly felt like being used for his enjoyment and nothing else. There was only enough foreplay to make it feasible and at no point did I feel like he cared about me.

It was hard to change. I had to make a bigger effort to drag him into the bedroom and spend time just kissing and cuddling before trying to get things going. I had to be more direct in what I said I wanted during the sex. It took a lot of time, but we got there.

OP here. This is exactly what I feel we're going through. To the other PPs, he didn't know I was crying. He wouldn't continue if he knew. Part of me just kept it going so he would be "finished" but the above really sums up how I feel...enough foreplay to make it feasible and the positions he likes makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. I know we can't make love every time, but sometimes I just have a need to feel loved, cherished, and desired in that way. Hope that makes sense!

So sorry that you are suffering.

I could not tolerate this.

Sounds like you are not feeling loved in the marriage, and that carries over to the bedroom. He is insensitive or selfish to not notice. OR you have stuffed your feelings for so long that he is just carrying out the routines you have both established. If it is the latter, that is largely on you and very unhealthy. Good now that that you are aware and talking about it (even if, to start, you are talking to strangers online).

I suggest counselling for you, to figure out why you can't express your feelings or why you stay with someone who ignores your feelings. Perhaps tell your husband you are doing it because you feel so unhappy. See if he engages??

I’m a wife. Maybe I’m weird but I like my sex a little dirty and rough. As long as he makes sure I’m satisfied, I don’t expect it to be lovey-dovey. Does he show you he loves you outside the bedroom?

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP's husband has read a bunch of stuff on the Internet giving him the impression that women didn't *really* want all that soft "making love" stuff.

At some point I was trying to figure out what would increase the spark for my marriage. I seemed to come across a lot of posts -- no idea if they were truly representative -- where women were saying how they just wanted to be f**ked. They wanted a man who would be a Real Man in bed - take charge, be dominant, etc.

Women obviously vary from person-to-person and even from day-to-day. So, none of that stuff ended up being very helpful; but there was a stretch where I though if only I was a little more primal, it'd be better for my wife.

It really is so different for everyone. I’m a DW and I hate “making love.” I don’t need that emotional closeness during sex. But I do need those moments of tenderness outside the bedroom.

He's not a mind reader, OP.

How on earth can you expect him to know all of this if you don't tell him?

You'd rather cry during sex than talk openly to your husband about your feelings?

It's extremly unfair of you to be resentful towards him, when you haven't even told him that there's a problem.

Once again, he's not a mind reader and you shouldn't expect him to be.

I think there's a lot more going on between you two and it's been going on for a long time to get to the crying stage. Does he even ask, "what's wrong"? and you're reply is non-factual?

Anonymous wrote:OP describes the wedding night of Daenerys and Khal Drogo.
Learn what she did to make it better, or divorce him.

She should eat the heart of a stallion?

OP describes the wedding night of Daenerys and Khal Drogo.
Learn what she did to make it better, or divorce him.

Talk to him positively.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP's husband has read a bunch of stuff on the Internet giving him the impression that women didn't *really* want all that soft "making love" stuff.

At some point I was trying to figure out what would increase the spark for my marriage. I seemed to come across a lot of posts -- no idea if they were truly representative -- where women were saying how they just wanted to be f**ked. They wanted a man who would be a Real Man in bed - take charge, be dominant, etc.

Women obviously vary from person-to-person and even from day-to-day. So, none of that stuff ended up being very helpful; but there was a stretch where I though if only I was a little more primal, it'd be better for my wife.

More likely that he’s stressed (pandemic, work, stuck at home not having a relaxing beer watching sports) and is essentially using his wife instead of his hand. He probably thinks this satisfies her as well.

OP, it sounds like you "want" a lot of stuff that you're afraid to ask your DH about. Use your words or you're just another body for him to use for his own desire.

If you just lay there and take it until he finishes, that's just weird for a married couple...it's like you don't even know him.

I wonder if OP's husband has read a bunch of stuff on the Internet giving him the impression that women didn't *really* want all that soft "making love" stuff.

At some point I was trying to figure out what would increase the spark for my marriage. I seemed to come across a lot of posts -- no idea if they were truly representative -- where women were saying how they just wanted to be f**ked. They wanted a man who would be a Real Man in bed - take charge, be dominant, etc.

Women obviously vary from person-to-person and even from day-to-day. So, none of that stuff ended up being very helpful; but there was a stretch where I though if only I was a little more primal, it'd be better for my wife.

I get what you are saying. I’ve experienced some of the same. I was frustrated and that lead to some very candid talks with my DH. What helped us was me feeling like my voice and opinion was bring heard some of the time. Once a week, sex is more on my terms. I dictate the tempo and positions. It was weird for DH to let me take the lead, but he couldn’t really argue with - it’s just once a week on my terms. That made me more receptive to his style on other days. We had some balance.

Also, lots of positive affirmation when DH does something I like. Stroke my hair, little kisses on my back. I really communicate how much I love it while he’s doing it.

Let some things go. Some things he hates, and I don’t push it. Just like some women hate back door and it’s off the table. Some things DH hates and I respect his feelings enough to not push him on those things. It’s things like staring in each other’s eyes during sex. It’s too intimate for him. I let it go.