Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:37     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?


You seem to have a strangely passionate interest in this.


How interesting that you can't answer these simple questions.


Who are you talking to, yourself? And what's a fa ily therapist?

Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:18     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?


You seem to have a strangely passionate interest in this.


How interesting that you can't answer these simple questions.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:16     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:
Let sleeping dogs lie.

I don’t know why you think there is a problem here. They’re two introverts. They’re OK with not talking often. Why are you literally picking a fight over a non-issue?!?

Sigh.


+1. I’m a DW who talks to my parents about once a month. They are nice people, we just live separate lives. It’s not a problem for any of us. We see them once a year. DH stays out of it, but thinks it’s strange and somehow reflective of a poor relationship.

DH is very close with his mom and talks/texts with her multiple times a week. He used to really encourage me to talk with his mom independently. I think he wanted her to be my substitute mom. I hated feeling like I had to talk to her to please him. I eventually stopped. I’d bet your husband is frustrated with you trying to dictate his relationship with his mom. Everyone’s relationship is different and neither one is right or wrong.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:16     Subject: Re:Unusual MIL dynamic
I don't know why everyone is getting so upset at OP. Her husband didn't even start thinking about this until *2* days before Thanksgiving. That would drive me bananas.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:08     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic

Let sleeping dogs lie.

I don’t know why you think there is a problem here. They’re two introverts. They’re OK with not talking often. Why are you literally picking a fight over a non-issue?!?

Sigh.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:02     Subject: Re:Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's unusual to want your mother-in-law to have a vested interested in seeing your grandchildren....The piling on is quite weird.

But OP can’t control MIL’s wants.


I'm the OP and open-minded and wanting to hear thoughts (if they are non-trollish).

It's my instinct to want to connect, to offer chances to see the kids, to reach out. Would it be putting her on the spot? What's going thru her head, do you think?
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 10:00     Subject: Re:Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's unusual to want your mother-in-law to have a vested interested in seeing your grandchildren....The piling on is quite weird.

But OP can’t control MIL’s wants.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:45     Subject: Re:Unusual MIL dynamic
You are not going to be able to change this dynamic. And as far as your kids are concerned they aren’t going to have the relationship you are hoping for. At this age, your MIL likely will continue to struggle with aging and is likely only going to have the mental and physical resources to deal with herself.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:44     Subject: Re:Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's unusual to want your mother-in-law to have a vested interested in seeing your grandchildren....The piling on is quite weird.


You can want it, but you can't pressure someone who is clearly disinterested in that kind of relationship.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:43     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:I speak to my mom every other day. I realize every family is different. My parents live 10 min away. DH's mother lives an hour away.

DH and his mom...speak maybe once every three weeks. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I keep asking him, "Do you know what your Mom is doing? Should we Zoom her? Can we find a way to meet outside?" Dh keeps brushing it off. Won't initiate; won't reach out. Meanwhile, MIL doesn't reach out to us either!

There is no bad blood or anything. It's just radio silence at all times, to the point that I feel like she doesn't have any desire to see our kids, since we hear from her pretty much never.

Finally DH and I talked about Thanksgiving last night. He suggested we go sit outside at her house on Sunday. She has a very small condo with no real backyard and a dog who scares my toddler. I said, Could we ask her to come up here? And DH got all huffy and said no, she doesn't like driving and wouldn't want to do that.

So now here we are back at Square One and neither MIL or DH have contacted the other.

What do I do? Reach out independently of DH and initiate a Zoom or invite her here? Sit in her tiny yard with her aggressive dog? Let DH completely handle it? Their dynamic is so strange to me, even 15 yrs into our marriage.


Are you me? My husband is an only child and has a similar relationship with his mother. She lives an hour away but we rarely hear from her. She appears to have little desire to see the kids more than a few times per year.

I stay out of it. I think you should too.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:41     Subject: Re:Unusual MIL dynamic
I really don't think it's unusual to want your mother-in-law to have a vested interested in seeing your grandchildren....The piling on is quite weird.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:38     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?


Because it affects grandkids, I think.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:37     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?


You seem to have a strangely passionate interest in this.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:29     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2020 09:28     Subject: Unusual MIL dynamic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think your husband suggestion is good and you did kind of shoot it down.


But why is it good to sit with an aggressive animal? I'm confused.


Oh lord.


Just ask her to keep the animal inside. Leave if she won't. Obviously.


Or...have MIL come to your own house without a dog?