Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My big sister is also a control freak and will get mad at me for completely mysterious invented reasons. I just shrug and try to talk about The Bachelorette instead. Claire was crazy and I'm glad she's gone.

Yes to this. Every time I visit my family (my sister and parents live in the same town, I live a couple states away), my sister summons me to her house for a one on one conversation in which she lays out some drama that I have somehow caused by doing things like spending too much or too little on niece/nephew holiday gifts or inviting my parents for a weekend getaway but not extending the invitation to my sister, her husband, and four children as well.

I just nod and listen and then say "I'm so sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject. I know she's looking for apologies, but the stuff she's mad about don't make sense to me at all. And I've learned that if I engage, she just yells at me and won't let me speak anyway. So I just let her say her thing and then talk about reality TV or fashion or whatever. My fantasy is that one day I show up and she skips the controlling rage routine and we just go straight to the dumb stuff and talking about our kids. Maybe post-Covid? Maybe never.

Perhaps this same sister uses the same technique on you when you start bringing up old grudges? I know my sister does it to me, and I do it with her! LOL! I think all of us could so with some introspection. Try to see things from your sister's point of view.
As we are older, I am almost 50, I think we all tend to allow our brain patterns to be stuck in some teen years when we visit with our sister and our parents. That's the way brain synopsis fire, in old familiar past ways. Hence making us normal functioning adults in our own families, but kids in our origin families. This was an eye-opening moment for me. I have lived around the world, but when visiting my home town and parents and sister I keep talking about some perceived slights and how mom loves sister more on and on. Gosh, I was such a drone.
So, my younger sister asked me why do I keep bringing these things up over and over again, and is this all I talk about in my regular life. I said, no, not at all. I talk about my travels, my work, my studies, my kids, the countries I lived in. She then asked, why don't I talk about that with her? I said I don't know. I didn't think you would be interested in those experiences. Of course, she was! And I was interested in her new experiences. Since then our relationship has improved so, so much! I thank my sister for this wonderful gift, the ability to move past being kids and hashing out some old slights and injustices. We were always best friends, but there was that inability to let go of the past "us." Now, we are able to see each other as grown women with new interests and talk about what is important now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I am not sure where you got the idea I am not there at all. I didn't visit during the pandemic. Otherwise i go about four times per year. Ispeak to my parents regularly, sent things during the pandemic (yeast, books for my mother) and love them.

So, since March you have no been there, even though they are 4 hours away? Did you hear of masks? Sitting outside far apart?

My parents were supportive about everyone, and asked us all, including their older relatives, to not visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I would not say it this harshly, but it is true that when I read the OP, I felt there was very little introspection.

Agree. Just how she puts it I don't see much wrong with her middle sister. Younger sister syndrome here. Her sister shows her hobby work, what is wrong with that? OP is a Ph.D., her sister is looking for some praise from her highly educated sis? What is grandiose in that?

Uh, didn't OP say that her sister was a lawyer? If the sister is looking for praise, it's not because she envies OP's career or education.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I'm glad I'm an only child, my wife is an only child too. None of this stuff, period.

It's very hard yes.

If this is op... this is a perfect example of how you think things are hard and you are a victim! No, it is not that hard having siblings, unless you make it hard.

Anonymous wrote:My big sister is also a control freak and will get mad at me for completely mysterious invented reasons. I just shrug and try to talk about The Bachelorette instead. Claire was crazy and I'm glad she's gone.

Yes to this. Every time I visit my family (my sister and parents live in the same town, I live a couple states away), my sister summons me to her house for a one on one conversation in which she lays out some drama that I have somehow caused by doing things like spending too much or too little on niece/nephew holiday gifts or inviting my parents for a weekend getaway but not extending the invitation to my sister, her husband, and four children as well.

I just nod and listen and then say "I'm so sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject. I know she's looking for apologies, but the stuff she's mad about don't make sense to me at all. And I've learned that if I engage, she just yells at me and won't let me speak anyway. So I just let her say her thing and then talk about reality TV or fashion or whatever. My fantasy is that one day I show up and she skips the controlling rage routine and we just go straight to the dumb stuff and talking about our kids. Maybe post-Covid? Maybe never.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I am not sure where you got the idea I am not there at all. I didn't visit during the pandemic. Otherwise i go about four times per year. Ispeak to my parents regularly, sent things during the pandemic (yeast, books for my mother) and love them.

So, since March you have no been there, even though they are 4 hours away? Did you hear of masks? Sitting outside far apart?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I would not say it this harshly, but it is true that when I read the OP, I felt there was very little introspection.

Agree. Just how she puts it I don't see much wrong with her middle sister. Younger sister syndrome here. Her sister shows her hobby work, what is wrong with that? OP is a Ph.D., her sister is looking for some praise from her highly educated sis? What is grandiose in that?

Anonymous wrote:My big sister is also a control freak and will get mad at me for completely mysterious invented reasons. I just shrug and try to talk about The Bachelorette instead. Claire was crazy and I'm glad she's gone.

Haha. NP. Love this. I banter about easy things with my sister too. When she’s gets into a bad mood, I know it will pass and we will go back to our bantering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I am not sure where you got the idea I am not there at all. I didn't visit during the pandemic. Otherwise i go about four times per year. Ispeak to my parents regularly, sent things during the pandemic (yeast, books for my mother) and love them.

Yep, a total victim. Four times per year as opposed to being there and you want to wall the shots. Passenger driver 100%. Look at yourself, you are not there, you are wanting to make the decisions. Insufferable. You clearly know she is there for them, and this is nothing but you feeling guilty and wanting credit for something you are not doing.

In other words, you gossip your sister endlessly, look to be offended by small things, and are begrudging that she is more outgoing than you. What a victim you are!
Honestly, you sound jealous of her, not the other way around at all.

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I am not sure where you got the idea I am not there at all. I didn't visit during the pandemic. Otherwise i go about four times per year. Ispeak to my parents regularly, sent things during the pandemic (yeast, books for my mother) and love them.

Anonymous wrote:Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

I would not say it this harshly, but it is true that when I read the OP, I felt there was very little introspection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your oldest sister in all this? How does she interact with middle?

It is hard to be the person there in charge. It is hard to also be the person further away, and of course it is hard to hear her be the one "closer" to your parents.

You have t o develop some thicker skin, decide when and where to engage, develop some security in your relationship with your parents. Recognize she is pushing your buttons at being closer to your parents, and don't let your buttons get pushed.

My oldest sister takes my parents to the doctor when they need to go (they are in good health for mid 80's), calls, does holidays, and avoids my middle sister. They fought viciously as teens, went for years without talking, and as adults i think they are low key and keep it superficial. My older sister would never take her on directly.
Yes i have a thin skin. And she is provocative,.that's true.

Why should she spare your feelings? SHe is there and does things, as does your older sister. You are not there and seem to think you should rule the roost.

Team sister here. You sound exactly how she described you. Some looking inward is a good thing, try it.
Nothing you posted paints her in a bad light, but it paints you as a typically selfish person who imagines herself a victim. Um, no.
You described that you have demands and you are not there at all, while she is.

Anonymous wrote:Where is your oldest sister in all this? How does she interact with middle?

It is hard to be the person there in charge. It is hard to also be the person further away, and of course it is hard to hear her be the one "closer" to your parents.

You have t o develop some thicker skin, decide when and where to engage, develop some security in your relationship with your parents. Recognize she is pushing your buttons at being closer to your parents, and don't let your buttons get pushed.

My oldest sister takes my parents to the doctor when they need to go (they are in good health for mid 80's), calls, does holidays, and avoids my middle sister. They fought viciously as teens, went for years without talking, and as adults i think they are low key and keep it superficial. My older sister would never take her on directly.
Yes i have a thin skin. And she is provocative,.that's true.