Your wife won’t tolerate you having a relationship with him because he talks shit about her, you defend him, and you pressure her to forgive him.

Forget your wife ever having a relationship with him. It’s not gonna happen.

Your relationship with him needs to happen on terms that support your wife. If he says anything negative about your wife, you stick up for her and leave immediately. If he blames her for anything, you leave. If he texts you anything about her, you defend her and block him if he continues.

I know you say she “doesn’t understand your dynamic”. No, YOU don’t understand healthy family dynamics. Your family is dysfunctional on so many levels.

Until you make your wife the #1 priority - since she’s YOUR WIFE - you can forget having any kind of relationship with your brother.

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

Then it isn’t one incident. It is the initial incident. In fact, the initial incident is water under the bridge. It is the continuing disparagement of your wife that is the problem. You cannot have a decent relationship with your wife if you cannot defend her. You are not choosing “sides”.

Anonymous wrote:op

both of them are important to me, but both are forcing me to pick a side.
i fight with my bother since we are young, but we always put it behind us, isn’t it normal for siblings to fight?
my wife on the other hand has never fought with her brother, so she doesn’t understand our dynamics.

No, your dynamic is not normal. Your entire family is very dysfunctional. Seems only your wife is capable of healthy boundaries.

Honestly what kind of MAN allows his wife to be trashed talk by a sibling? What is wrong with you? Do you not have any respect for your wife? For yourself? Your brother is a piece of shit.

Anonymous wrote:op
we are financially well off, parents helped until they couldn’t, they need to save up some for retirement. to them we have spare money, and should spend it on family rather than our luxury life.
don’t get me wrong, i don’t think we should clean up his financial mess, i’m only explaining why parents think i should help out.

pp said “ Its fine for you to have a relationship with your brother however your wife doesn't need to have one with him as well. ”

my wife doesn’t want me seeing him, she thinks the worst of him, she thinks he doesn’t respect her brings drama, chaos and unnecessary burden to our family.

She doesn't just think he does all of that, he actually does do all of that.

op
we are financially well off, parents helped until they couldn’t, they need to save up some for retirement. to them we have spare money, and should spend it on family rather than our luxury life.
don’t get me wrong, i don’t think we should clean up his financial mess, i’m only explaining why parents think i should help out.

pp said “ Its fine for you to have a relationship with your brother however your wife doesn't need to have one with him as well. ”

my wife doesn’t want me seeing him, she thinks the worst of him, she thinks he doesn’t respect her brings drama, chaos and unnecessary burden to our family.

Op why is it that you have to bail your brother out of all this financial mess. Where are your parents? Do they give him money or is it just you that is expected to do that?

So your parents were angry at your wife for not wanting to give your brother money, what about them, did they give any money or just judge those that didn't? You have a very dysfunctional family.

Your brother is toxic, your wife is 100% right on that. I cannot believe you are allowing your brother to get in your head and yet with your wife you don't trust her.

Have you asked yourself why its up to your parents if you have a relationship with your brother. It should have been your brother to make amends with you however he hasn't. He is now trying to ruin your marriage and you are letting him. Its fine for you to have a relationship with your brother however your wife doesn't need to have one with him as well.

It seems you allow your brother to speak poorly of your wife. Your family does have toxic behaviour and your wife simply wants to keep that at a distance.

So wrong

You should be thankful to have such a smart wife. You are DP wrong.

Here's what you do.

You acknowledge to your wife that your brother is mentally disordered (ADHD? they often can't keep jobs and struggle with organization, time-keeping and emotional regulation - medication works wonders, BTW), and that she is right not to trust him or want a meaningful relationship with him.

However since he is mentally disordered and handicapped, you can perhaps pay for a bill every now and then. Never give him money. Pay the landlord or other creditor directly. It's an act of brotherly support and charity, but does not come with a socialization requirement. It does, however, buy you leverage with your parents and other relatives. They cannot claim you are turning your back on your own flesh and blood.

And then you can occasionally see him with your parents, with or without your wife. I'm sure if he stops complaining to all and sundry about her, and short of an apology, acts in a contrite manner around her, she'll grace a few family events with her presence.

All this mending of fences and treatment of bruised egos take time. Take advantage of the pandemic, while all family gatherings are postponed, to sort all this out.

op

both of them are important to me, but both are forcing me to pick a side.
i fight with my bother since we are young, but we always put it behind us, isn’t it normal for siblings to fight?
my wife on the other hand has never fought with her brother, so she doesn’t understand our dynamics.

Family or not, your brother is 100% in the wrong and you need to cut ties with him until he can get his act together and apologize to your wife. How can you possibly speak to him when he has behaved so horribly?? Stand up for your wife, people cut toxic siblings and parents out of their lives all the time.

op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

Your wife is in the right, and your brother is in the wrong. It's so simple which side you should be on.
I guess for you, family means blood, and your wife is not.
Sort of "you can get another wife, but you can't get another brother."

You can't have both. You have to make a choice.

Your brother is still causing you problems in your marriage. It shows he still lacks responsibility for his own choices. That’s all the proof you need that he hasn’t changed and never will.