Anonymous
11/16/2020 15:16
Subject: DD is Failing School
Your mistake was to not instill in her a level of self worth and you have given her too much too young. At 17 why does she have free access to car, cash and regular nights away from home. It's not too late to fix this, but you will need to be firm and have a history of investment of solid parenting that she trusts.Anonymous wrote:DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do. How would you approach this?
Anonymous
11/16/2020 15:15
Subject: Re:DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You do understand though that she is probably staying with the 21-year-old boyfriend and not with her girlfriend? Right?
seriously. Did you not do this when you were young OP?
When I was 16, I would got to hotels out of town with my 22 year old boyfriend. I had two friends who would cover for me and at least one of their moms knew but she didn't care.
I was a "good" kid and to this day I don't think my parents knew.
I’m the person you quoted. I also did all kinds of things in my teens that make me gasp now. How do you feel now about that mom who knew? I remember the parents who knew what we were up too. The ‘cool’ ones. Now I want to make sure I can ID them so my kid stays away from theirs
Anonymous
11/16/2020 15:14
Subject: DD is Failing School
1507 again. She probably only has to pass 12 grade English to graduate from HS. Make sure she does that. If she can drop other classes to salvage her gap, do that. Focus on what she can do -next year- She has check-out of this distance-learning crap. She won't be able to go to the same college she would have liked, not with dropped classes and F's this grading period --- but she should be allowed to go whereever she gets into college - if the college doesn't recind her acceptance. Make sure she was applications IN, and that she applies widely. Some colleges will see this as what it is --- Senior Slump on steroids due to the pandemic.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 15:07
Subject: DD is Failing School
OP - where do things stand re: college applications? Does she have any acceptances?
Anonymous
11/16/2020 15:03
Subject: DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do. How would you approach this?
Wash your hands off of her. She is already gone. You do not have any control over her and her sexual activities...because the bolded is when the said sexual activities is happening.
But what can you do now?. This is a parenting fail that started from the time she was born. Sorry, but she has no self-respect or goals in life.
How is this helpful to OP?
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:57
Subject: DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult. We had similar issues with our son. Can you focus on getting her to finish her high school degree? That can be a very compelling argument (especially if she used to get As) as there aren't as many opportunities for people who don't finish high school. We offered to our son that he should just get a GED, but he ended up graduating because he only needed one more class, and he was able to get "work release" so that he didn't have to attend anything but English class. Your daughter might be able to graduate early or just take one or two classes for the rest of the year - maybe she would be ok with this compromise.
I realize this advice is unlike what you will hear from most people, but I suspect punishment is unlikely to help her if she's already spending most days away from the house. If she is really pushing for her independence, then you might be better off supporting her in a way that will help position her for success in the future. This stuff is hard! I wish you the best.
OP the above poster is correct. Small steps here will help. Get her focused on finishing HS. For example, discuss getting a GED in the sense it's harder than her finishing with her peers at her current HS. She will need a HS diploma for any job. That's the most important thing at this point.
Next, anything you pay for she now pays for if she doesn't want to attend school. Period no if ands or butts. She gets a job. These are not punishments you need to frame it that way. She's now made herself an adult ant therefore she's got to support herself.
I totally agree punishments will not work.
OP I am sorry i know this is very hard. Once they are 18. You have to decide how much you want to enable the behaviors.
No I do not think at all you failed at parenting.
+1 as a PP mentioned, being an adult comes with adult responsibilties. If you are not in school, then you need to pay your own bills.
We have been telling our 15 and 12 yr olds that the only jobs they can get without a college degree are lower paying jobs. Sure, $15/hr sounds great to an 18 yr old who doesn't have to pay for rent, car, insurance, utilities, but if you want to be independent then you are going to need to be paid more than $15/hr. And then there's the future earning potential, or lack thereof, to think about.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:57
Subject: DD is Failing School
Birth control, stat!
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:56
Subject: DD is Failing School
Help her get in birth control.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:50
Subject: Re:DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:You do understand though that she is probably staying with the 21-year-old boyfriend and not with her girlfriend? Right?
seriously. Did you not do this when you were young OP?
When I was 16, I would got to hotels out of town with my 22 year old boyfriend. I had two friends who would cover for me and at least one of their moms knew but she didn't care.
I was a "good" kid and to this day I don't think my parents knew.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:45
Subject: DD is Failing School
OP, you can't really believe she is "staying with her girlfriend." Of course she is with her older boyfriend!
Teenagers are crazy. It isn't even their fault: their brains aren't fully developed yet, and they truly cannot understand the long-term consequences of some of their actions. Your daughter is so in love with this older boy that she doesn't care about school; she can't envision what the future will look like if she doesn't graduate. She NEEDS you to do what you can at this point in time to ensure she graduates. She will thank you later.
Teenagers are crazy. It isn't even their fault: their brains aren't fully developed yet, and they truly cannot understand the long-term consequences of some of their actions. Your daughter is so in love with this older boy that she doesn't care about school; she can't envision what the future will look like if she doesn't graduate. She NEEDS you to do what you can at this point in time to ensure she graduates. She will thank you later.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:35
Subject: Re:DD is Failing School
You do understand though that she is probably staying with the 21-year-old boyfriend and not with her girlfriend? Right?
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:19
Subject: DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult. We had similar issues with our son. Can you focus on getting her to finish her high school degree? That can be a very compelling argument (especially if she used to get As) as there aren't as many opportunities for people who don't finish high school. We offered to our son that he should just get a GED, but he ended up graduating because he only needed one more class, and he was able to get "work release" so that he didn't have to attend anything but English class. Your daughter might be able to graduate early or just take one or two classes for the rest of the year - maybe she would be ok with this compromise.
I realize this advice is unlike what you will hear from most people, but I suspect punishment is unlikely to help her if she's already spending most days away from the house. If she is really pushing for her independence, then you might be better off supporting her in a way that will help position her for success in the future. This stuff is hard! I wish you the best.
OP the above poster is correct. Small steps here will help. Get her focused on finishing HS. For example, discuss getting a GED in the sense it's harder than her finishing with her peers at her current HS. She will need a HS diploma for any job. That's the most important thing at this point.
Next, anything you pay for she now pays for if she doesn't want to attend school. Period no if ands or butts. She gets a job. These are not punishments you need to frame it that way. She's now made herself an adult ant therefore she's got to support herself.
I totally agree punishments will not work.
OP I am sorry i know this is very hard. Once they are 18. You have to decide how much you want to enable the behaviors.
No I do not think at all you failed at parenting.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 14:01
Subject: DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do. How would you approach this?
Wash your hands off of her. She is already gone. You do not have any control over her and her sexual activities...because the bolded is when the said sexual activities is happening.
But what can you do now?. This is a parenting fail that started from the time she was born. Sorry, but she has no self-respect or goals in life.
LOL wow, just wow PP.
OP here. This is not the advice I would be taken. Clearly, we don't want to wash our hands clean of her. We need to encourage her in some way.
OP you are either a troll or a truly clueless parent. Why are you letting her stay anywhere? She's your kid. You are providing for her. You call the shots. If you have a terrible relationship, then you need to work on it ASAP. Get a family therapist involved today.
What Am I going to do? Lock her in her room? I can't really do that. I can only use soft approaches and take away car, phone, cash.
Yes you take away those things. Have you tried even? Have you asked her what is wrong? I can't imagine a situation in which my kid is failing school, not living in my house and me scratching my head as to what to do. This is a major crisis. You need to treat it like one.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 13:59
Subject: DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give her fast food applications and tell her she’s picking up shifts if she wants your financial support. It won’t take long for her to realize how small her check is and how miserable the work is
She works a few times a week, but not in fast food. WE already went through the fast food trials, she didn't want to do fast food after one day trial.
Most of us don't want to work, OP. It's not a choice. And she's not sleeping at her friend's houses. She's with the older boy you said she couldn't date.
Anonymous
11/16/2020 13:58
Subject: DD is Failing School
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give her fast food applications and tell her she’s picking up shifts if she wants your financial support. It won’t take long for her to realize how small her check is and how miserable the work is
She works a few times a week, but not in fast food. WE already went through the fast food trials, she didn't want to do fast food after one day trial.
Sounds like it worked then. Without a high school education she won't be able to do much else. Remind her of that.
Also it's probably only a matter of time before she and her 21 year old BF break up.