Thanks to all those that replied- especially those that have experienced something similar with the surviving parent, which seems so odd to say given my Dad is still alive, but I don't know how else to describe it when one parent is still alive, and the other is alive, but has almost completely disappeared cognitively. It feels a little less lonely to know I'm not the only one who has encountered this with their parent.

I wish I could do more to help my Mom, but she won't even allow me to come stay with her anymore, even when I offer to take a COVID test and isolate for a few days in advance. But in the end, I guess it's going to be what its going to be, and nothing I can do will change anything about it.

I guess, it just feels like me, my sibling, or the grandchildren, are not enough for her to want to carry on once my father passes, and that hurts. Or that she can't see that although I may grieve differently, it still hurts immensely to see what the Lewy Body has once done to my father. He use to light up a room and family was everything to him. He doesn't even remember his own name now, let alone recognize his family. But my Mom is so laser focused on the fact she losing her husband, she can't even see, let alone show empathy, to the fact my sibling and I are losing a father. Which is ironic, since a decade ago, she was tore up about losing her own father, and would talk about him in almost every conversation for years afterwards. But despite my own feelings, I try to emphasize to how my Mom may be feeling, as I don't know what its like to lose a husband of 40+ years, especially in this manner, and just want to help her if I can.

Sorry; realize I am venting again. As before, thank you for all that replied. It means a lot to hear the experience and advice of those that have been there before, and I take comfort in everyone's words. To say this has been difficult to navigate the past 2 years is an understatement.

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. But, your mother's grief does trump yours. Her sole purpose is to isolate, so she can be with him. This is her life right now. Wouldn't you do the same if it was your husband? These are her last moments to touch him, talk to him and comfort him. By doing so, she is comforting herself. Please try to empathize and let her do what she needs to do. This is her grief, which is different than yours.

This has been going on for over TWO YEARS!!! Humans are not meant to mourn that long. They’re just not.

(I’m not the OP btw)

She needs to get a dog.

The routine of feeding and walking the dog will be great for her mental health. Plus the simple act of feeding the animal is psychologically motivating for her to have a meal as well. It’s a reminder that it’s time to eat. Can you convince her to get a dog? Maybe something like a mellow lab?

Anonymous wrote:I'm very sorry, OP. But, your mother's grief does trump yours. Her sole purpose is to isolate, so she can be with him. This is her life right now. Wouldn't you do the same if it was your husband? These are her last moments to touch him, talk to him and comfort him. By doing so, she is comforting herself. Please try to empathize and let her do what she needs to do. This is her grief, which is different than yours.

I didn't read OP as looking to prioritize her own grief, though she understandably is juggling with her own, but rather she doesn't know how to bring some relief to her mother who is wasting away under the stress and grief.

I'm very sorry, OP. But, your mother's grief does trump yours. Her sole purpose is to isolate, so she can be with him. This is her life right now. Wouldn't you do the same if it was your husband? These are her last moments to touch him, talk to him and comfort him. By doing so, she is comforting herself. Please try to empathize and let her do what she needs to do. This is her grief, which is different than yours.

OP, I went through something very similar. Take care of yourself, I was slammed by carrying my mother's grief, before and after my father's death, and did not handle it well. I went into therapy and found a grief counselor to have my own space to grieve. But the stress of worrying about my mother, who refused therapy, medication, hired help, hospice social support services, etc., was overwhelming.

I'm in a better place, and although my mother still cries readily and talks about having little to live for, she's still going. I have had to really accept this is her choice and let go of trying to make her want to live a better life. She doesn't want to change. She consistently rejects any effort of support. It is difficult.

Let your mom's doctor know. Sometimes we can't get our parents to take antidepressants and get therapy, but a doctor can.