Anonymous
11/10/2020 13:54
Subject: Re:Husband wants people to think we are rich
It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.
What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.
You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.
What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.
You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.
Anonymous
11/10/2020 12:47
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
1) if you are building a deck, why wouldn't you go with the people your neighbor recommended? Why bother asking if you didn't want a professional's opinion?
2) Yes, you should be concerned about permitting issues
3) You are insane
4) If you don't want a deck, why bother getting a list at all?
5) it seems to me you don't know what the heck you actually want. Deck? No deck? Professional or lame-@$$ doesn't get permits to do the work? I got too bored to read carefully
6) Anger issues - that seems to be your DH's problem
7) you should take a class on the art of telling a story. This one was uber-dull.
2) Yes, you should be concerned about permitting issues
3) You are insane
4) If you don't want a deck, why bother getting a list at all?
5) it seems to me you don't know what the heck you actually want. Deck? No deck? Professional or lame-@$$ doesn't get permits to do the work? I got too bored to read carefully
6) Anger issues - that seems to be your DH's problem
7) you should take a class on the art of telling a story. This one was uber-dull.
Anonymous
11/10/2020 12:35
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your DH is a people-pleaser.
He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.
I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!
I find people-pleasers to be much more insidious than this description. Often their true desires do not have a healthy way to manifest and so become comforted and dangerous and they harbor hidden ill will and anger. I stay far, far away from people pleasers.
As I said, I'm a people-pleaser, and your description is NOTHING like me. I haven't met any people-pleasers who exhibit ill-will and anger, actually.
Ok. I have had the misfortune of meeting several, although all of them deny having aggressive or angry feelings ever and it just stews under the surface out of their consciences awareness. That is part of the pathology. I am willing to bet you are in denial about many aspects of yourself.
OP here. This is my point in bringing up the wedding - yell at me about the wedding (it was well within our budget), but insist we not register for gifts (which was fine by me) - then insist we "announce" a charity (WTH?) - THEN insist on registering when MIL says she wanted a registry (but she really didn't - she just wanted to criticize). Apologies to the parenthesis hater for my writing style HAHA.
I think it parallels other incidents along the years (giving to others, then complaining to me, but not about the real issue - so yes, other PP - anger!) , but came up again with the deck. I'm thinking WTH? You have been going back and forth on the deck but expect me to call these people we already have been warned about (TY, other PP - neighbor can act as a foreman, but DH most certainly can not), then expect me to take time off and hear them out, then make it worse by either saying no later, or going with one and having it cost twice as much and/or have it half finished - "please sign me up". Who does that?
I really think it is ingrained issues. I think it is people pleasing - but also cluelessness. What do you call this kind of absolute cluelessness and failure to see the big picture? He may be on the spectrum, his mom is really out there, and REALLY into appearances. Thanks for any feedback, I am trying to understand, and have been pretty good at damage control, but some things just throw me off a bit. Needless to say, we don't do a lot of projects like this for good reason. I would like to say something to him that points out what the behavior is, but I need to understand it first. Therapy for him is admitting that he has a problem, so he won't do it.
The main BIG issue I see here is that he is a people pleaser - but you, his wife, are not one of the people he strives to please.
Anonymous
11/10/2020 12:20
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:This is a really weird situation - try to bear with me, because it is difficult to explain, except maybe through examples. When DH and I married, years ago, we lived in a tiny apartment, I was still a graduate student, we had very little money. We were planning our wedding, and (long story short) decided to have a small one, which worked out.
DH wanted to donate any "gifts" (money, I suppose? Though I would never ask for money from anyone!) to a charity - to appear like we had more than we did, it turns out. I thought it was weird, but never thought about it again. We didn't really need anything, I had my kitchen set up, since I had been on my own for years. Meanwhile, DH's family was literally asking us if we had pans or plates - which was puzzling to me, especially since, like I said, we had more than enough.
DH's mother was asking for a "registry" (do they even still do those??), so I went to the store and picked out a few things, but none of their family picked out much from it, and I was fine with that, just curious as to why I was told repeatedly to go register (which takes time and effort, especially if you don't need much - but I was trying to not rock the arbitrary boat).
DH was a little strange with money - another example - I brought home a $12. (on sale on an end cap at BBB, I still have it!) tablecloth to "dress up" our tiny place a bit, and DH went ballistic about how we were going to be "poor" (we already were, which is why I was so very conscientious about money) and screaming at me about it. Our bed/couch was a futon, and the cover was too dirty to dryclean (said the dry cleaner), so I bought a new cover. Another "big deal".
Now, flash forward years, and DH and I are thinking of building a deck on our (now) small house. DH and I are not very handy, and we have made do all this time - but he wants to get prices, and wants me to be the one to obtain the quotes. I want him to do it, because he has different concerns than I. So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)
Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy.
WTH? Please be kind, and hopefully, helpful.
After reading this I think your husband would want to date your neighbor.
Anonymous
11/10/2020 09:10
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your DH is a people-pleaser.
He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.
I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!
I find people-pleasers to be much more insidious than this description. Often their true desires do not have a healthy way to manifest and so become comforted and dangerous and they harbor hidden ill will and anger. I stay far, far away from people pleasers.
As I said, I'm a people-pleaser, and your description is NOTHING like me. I haven't met any people-pleasers who exhibit ill-will and anger, actually.
Ok. I have had the misfortune of meeting several, although all of them deny having aggressive or angry feelings ever and it just stews under the surface out of their consciences awareness. That is part of the pathology. I am willing to bet you are in denial about many aspects of yourself.
OP here. This is my point in bringing up the wedding - yell at me about the wedding (it was well within our budget), but insist we not register for gifts (which was fine by me) - then insist we "announce" a charity (WTH?) - THEN insist on registering when MIL says she wanted a registry (but she really didn't - she just wanted to criticize). Apologies to the parenthesis hater for my writing style HAHA.
I think it parallels other incidents along the years (giving to others, then complaining to me, but not about the real issue - so yes, other PP - anger!) , but came up again with the deck. I'm thinking WTH? You have been going back and forth on the deck but expect me to call these people we already have been warned about (TY, other PP - neighbor can act as a foreman, but DH most certainly can not), then expect me to take time off and hear them out, then make it worse by either saying no later, or going with one and having it cost twice as much and/or have it half finished - "please sign me up". Who does that?
I really think it is ingrained issues. I think it is people pleasing - but also cluelessness. What do you call this kind of absolute cluelessness and failure to see the big picture? He may be on the spectrum, his mom is really out there, and REALLY into appearances. Thanks for any feedback, I am trying to understand, and have been pretty good at damage control, but some things just throw me off a bit. Needless to say, we don't do a lot of projects like this for good reason. I would like to say something to him that points out what the behavior is, but I need to understand it first. Therapy for him is admitting that he has a problem, so he won't do it.
Anonymous
11/10/2020 08:34
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your DH is a people-pleaser.
He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.
I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!
I find people-pleasers to be much more insidious than this description. Often their true desires do not have a healthy way to manifest and so become comforted and dangerous and they harbor hidden ill will and anger. I stay far, far away from people pleasers.
As I said, I'm a people-pleaser, and your description is NOTHING like me. I haven't met any people-pleasers who exhibit ill-will and anger, actually.
Ok. I have had the misfortune of meeting several, although all of them deny having aggressive or angry feelings ever and it just stews under the surface out of their consciences awareness. That is part of the pathology. I am willing to bet you are in denial about many aspects of yourself.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 22:44
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your DH is a people-pleaser.
He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.
I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!
I find people-pleasers to be much more insidious than this description. Often their true desires do not have a healthy way to manifest and so become comforted and dangerous and they harbor hidden ill will and anger. I stay far, far away from people pleasers.
As I said, I'm a people-pleaser, and your description is NOTHING like me. I haven't met any people-pleasers who exhibit ill-will and anger, actually.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 21:42
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:
Your DH is a people-pleaser.
He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP.
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.
I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!
I find people-pleasers to be much more insidious than this description. Often their true desires do not have a healthy way to manifest and so become comforted and dangerous and they harbor hidden ill will and anger. I stay far, far away from people pleasers.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 18:40
Subject: Re:Husband wants people to think we are rich
I am astounded by what people on DCUM are willing to tolerate and accept in a life-partner.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 18:27
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Yes, he is people-pleasing and doing it because he is insecure and wants to be liked. I think the sofa cover example is to show that HE can be ultra-thrifty in certain situations (doesn't want OP to spend money on things he doesn't deem important) but then can't say no when someone else is putting him in a position to spend.
OP, you need to handle the deck. Don't put him in situations where he is going to spend your money unwisely because he can't say no. I also think you need to start a conversation about these issues, without being accusatory. If he can't get his head around this then it will only get worse.
As to the neighbor, it isn't exactly clear to me, but what I believe he is saying is that X and Y are people I can rely on, but are more expensive. Z is less expensive, but you'd have to know how to manage the job and them.
I do work like this. I can afford to use the less expensive contractor because I serve basically as the foreman on the job, overseeing all the work. If I couldn't do that, I would need to go with the more expensive contractor.
OP, you need to handle the deck. Don't put him in situations where he is going to spend your money unwisely because he can't say no. I also think you need to start a conversation about these issues, without being accusatory. If he can't get his head around this then it will only get worse.
As to the neighbor, it isn't exactly clear to me, but what I believe he is saying is that X and Y are people I can rely on, but are more expensive. Z is less expensive, but you'd have to know how to manage the job and them.
I do work like this. I can afford to use the less expensive contractor because I serve basically as the foreman on the job, overseeing all the work. If I couldn't do that, I would need to go with the more expensive contractor.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 18:07
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH is a combination of people pleaser and very low self esteem.
I've known people like him. I had a friend who didn't want to seem cheap and was very caught up in giving the appearance of being comfortable even though she was very poor. She went into debt just to avoid issues that she thought might offend people. In reality, it would have been perfectly fine t say sorry, that's not in the budget for me right now, but that's something she would NEVER say. She had a history of severe abuse as a child. I hope that's not the case with your husband, but either way he needs professional help now.
Don't have kids with him. He cares more about what strangers think of him than doing what's right by you and any future kids. He's weak and this is unlikely to get much better. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but his behavior is a function of severe issues that go very deep and would make him a horrible father and partner. I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong.
Me again. OP, I should have said that you should seek therapy as well. It sounds like you're starting to see the pattern and are struggling with how to define it. I mean this kindly, but you don't just accidentally marry someone as insecure and flawed as he is. Get yourself therapy so you can heal and have the happy future that you deserve. You sound like a decent person.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 18:04
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Anonymous wrote:Holy shit. You do not have to build a deck just because the neighbor gave you a long list.
Your husband is an insecure ass.
Your reaction is what a normal person would think. OP's husband is deeply insecure and more concerned with what his neighbor thinks of him than doing what's right by OP.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 17:43
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
Holy shit. You do not have to build a deck just because the neighbor gave you a long list.
Your husband is an insecure ass.
Your husband is an insecure ass.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 17:40
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
OP, your DH is a combination of people pleaser and very low self esteem.
I've known people like him. I had a friend who didn't want to seem cheap and was very caught up in giving the appearance of being comfortable even though she was very poor. She went into debt just to avoid issues that she thought might offend people. In reality, it would have been perfectly fine t say sorry, that's not in the budget for me right now, but that's something she would NEVER say. She had a history of severe abuse as a child. I hope that's not the case with your husband, but either way he needs professional help now.
Don't have kids with him. He cares more about what strangers think of him than doing what's right by you and any future kids. He's weak and this is unlikely to get much better. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but his behavior is a function of severe issues that go very deep and would make him a horrible father and partner. I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong.
I've known people like him. I had a friend who didn't want to seem cheap and was very caught up in giving the appearance of being comfortable even though she was very poor. She went into debt just to avoid issues that she thought might offend people. In reality, it would have been perfectly fine t say sorry, that's not in the budget for me right now, but that's something she would NEVER say. She had a history of severe abuse as a child. I hope that's not the case with your husband, but either way he needs professional help now.
Don't have kids with him. He cares more about what strangers think of him than doing what's right by you and any future kids. He's weak and this is unlikely to get much better. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but his behavior is a function of severe issues that go very deep and would make him a horrible father and partner. I'm sorry and I hope I'm wrong.
Anonymous
11/09/2020 17:02
Subject: Husband wants people to think we are rich
So which contractors did the neighbor recommend highly? Interview those. Ignore the ones he warned you against. That was his way of saying "here are a couple good ones and these others are bad news."
that neither of you seems to have realized this is super weird.
that many years ago you felt spending $12 on a tablecloth is totally irrelevant. Coming from someone who grew up poor, be more self aware. the charity aspect of your wedding gifts is not relevant either, we should all give back at what level we can.
People have "wish lists" on Amazon for Christmas, I can't believe you think a registry for a wedding is no longer done.
that neither of you seems to have realized this is super weird.
that many years ago you felt spending $12 on a tablecloth is totally irrelevant. Coming from someone who grew up poor, be more self aware. the charity aspect of your wedding gifts is not relevant either, we should all give back at what level we can.
People have "wish lists" on Amazon for Christmas, I can't believe you think a registry for a wedding is no longer done.