I'm a MIL and we are super cognizant of how busy they are with kids under 4, and wait for them to call, or try to schedule a call when the kids are in bed.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is just busy with her own life. She still works, has friends and hobbies, still dates occasionally. Once every few months she remembers she has grandkids and is hurt and puzzled that the youngest never remembers her (toddler).

Do you or your husband call her? If so, is she happy to hear from you guys?

DCUM needs to make up its collective mind. Are IL calls intrusive or expected? What’s overbearing and what’s uninterested? What help is allowed other than financial without being meddlesome, or not helpful enough? How much of your opinion changes post COVID when yiure off doing the “family” things you wouold normally be doing?

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, for those who do not initiate contact:
Why?

What are you busy doing, what are you afraid of, what is holding you back from showing a loved one you care?

If I had to guess based on my family dynamics - it's an attempt to be polite. They know younger generations are really busy and don't want to intrude, but love to hear from us. And yes, it's something they saw in their parents' generations, and yes, it stems from a time when phone calls were less common and more expensive.

I think you might have more success encouraging texting vs calling - one of the grandparents has finally after all these years started texting unsolicited (still not phone calls though). The grandchild started texting with her new phone that she was so excited to get, and flat out told grandma she wanted to hear from her. That worked but it took awhile because grandma wasn't used to communicating like that.

Anonymous wrote:
So? My father adores me but never calls me. I call him. It's a mix of Asian expectations of father-child relationships and his being an extreme introvert.

If you don't have time to call, don't call. Her loss. When you have the time, please call. It's that simple.

The very few times my dad calls me, I nearly have a heart attack thinking it's a medical emergency. It just never happens. I always call him (and he gets upset if more than a few days pass and he hasn't heard from me). I have no problems with this at all.

It has to do with culture. My own mom called me yesterday! I always call her, always! And it was on purpose! Not a butt dial when I answer and hear everything going on in her house!
Whatever, what's the big deal?

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is just busy with her own life. She still works, has friends and hobbies, still dates occasionally. Once every few months she remembers she has grandkids and is hurt and puzzled that the youngest never remembers her (toddler).

My MIL is just busy with her own life. She still works, has friends and hobbies, still dates occasionally. Once every few months she remembers she has grandkids and is hurt and puzzled that the youngest never remembers her (toddler).

In my family parents/grandparents almost never call kids/grandkids unless there's a specific reason because they don't want to call at a bad time. They'd much rather the kids call when they want to talk.

My DD is in college. She's busy with classes, a part-time job, studying, and hopefully having a little time to relax. I don't want to be pestering her. I may rarely send her an email or text something I may send her something I think might be of interest, with the understanding that no reply is required. Even more rarely, if I need to ask her something, I'd generally do it via text or e-mail, or send a request asking her to call me ASAP. It would have to be pretty urgent for me to be phoning her. She knows that I always love to talk to her, but that there are no expectations that she has to call me. I'm beyond grateful that she calls frequently, but if she didn't that would be okay too. When I don't hear from her for a while, I just take it that she's busy living her life, which is a good thing.

Anonymous wrote:In my family, the culture is the younger generation calls the older. My husband calls his mom every sunday morning. It's better this way, OP, because you can time the calls when it's convenient for you, and you guys are likely busier or right in the middle of something than she is.

Why is it a big deal? If you choose to be insulted, that is on you. She's always been this way; it's clearly not personal.

This is us, too. My parents MIGHT call me on my birthday, but that's about it. They know we're way busier than they are. When I was in college, there were only landlines, and calls were expensive. They knew the odds of reaching me in my dorm room were slim. I guess that's where it started that I'm the one to call them.

It might have been different if I grew up in a time of cell phones. It's probably been good for me that they're basically the opposite of helicopter parents.

Want to trade?

Try a MIL who calls whenever she feels like it--if she's up at 5am then you should be up at 5am no matter how many times you've told her that you all try to sleep in until at least 7am on the weekends.

If she can't sleep and is awake at 1am then you should be awake at 1am and free to talk.

If she calls and you're in the middle of anything--dinner, guests over, a family activity--she expects you to stay on the phone with her for over an hour and that's to chit chat, not about anything that is urgent.

She's lonely and I'm sorry about that but she's also inconsiderate and self centered. The phone calls can last up to 3 hours and it's not a give and take. She wants to run through her day, what she had to eat at each meal, what is going on with her friends. She doesn't want to hear about us or the kids and if you try to tell her something she'll cut you off after about 5 words.

Sorry to vent, OP. Having a MIL who doesn't call would at least be a nice break. I'd probably cave and call her but not for 2 or 3 weeks of bliss.

So? My father adores me but never calls me. I call him. It's a mix of Asian expectations of father-child relationships and his being an extreme introvert.

If you don't have time to call, don't call. Her loss. When you have the time, please call. It's that simple.

I don't think it matters why people are like that -- don't want to interrupt, social anxiety, culture, grew up at a time when phone calls were expensive and reserved for emergencies -- they just are like that. Be kind.

My great-aunt and great-uncle called my parents exactly once in their lifetime, after Hurricane Isabel slammed the area. They were really worried.

Honest question, for those who do not initiate contact:
Why?

What are you busy doing, what are you afraid of, what is holding you back from showing a loved one you care?

Don’t look for insult where there is none. Call her when you want to, and leave it at that. And do not compare her to your own mother.