Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:48
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
I'm the tidy one in our marriage. First, I've learned to relax, a little. Second, I started looking at the areas that drove me the most insane and tried to implement solutions to contain the mess.
For example, DH would have piles of magazines, paper, etc by his side of the couch. We bought an end table with a deep drawer, so he (okay, me a lot of the time) can just dump the piles in the drawer. When the drawer is full, he can weed it out, or, if he hasn't done it and the piles are growing, I'll take out old magazines and recycle them. I'm also trying to get him to unsubscribe from magazines he rarely reads.
It's not perfect, but it helps.
For example, DH would have piles of magazines, paper, etc by his side of the couch. We bought an end table with a deep drawer, so he (okay, me a lot of the time) can just dump the piles in the drawer. When the drawer is full, he can weed it out, or, if he hasn't done it and the piles are growing, I'll take out old magazines and recycle them. I'm also trying to get him to unsubscribe from magazines he rarely reads.
It's not perfect, but it helps.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:24
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
Anonymous wrote:The tidy person tidies and grows ever more resentful with each passing day. Then s/he nags the other person to clean up after themselves. The other person doesn't see the need or, indeed, even the mess, but tiring of the constant nagging and arguing and cold silences, agrees to 'do better.' And s/he does put forth an effort, which doesn't yield great results, but at least it's an effort and the tidy person is partly mollified, at least for a while.
The tidy person continues to think the other person will get better, and in the blush of love, marries the other person. The other person is feeling those pheromones too, and makes a bigger effort. The effort lasts for shorter and shorter periods of time, because the other person inevitably falls off the wagon they don't even want to be on in the first place.
A baby is born.
The tidy person is now overwhelmed with doing. all. chores, which have multiplied with the baby and now the other person isn't nearly as diligent as they once were. The tidy person comes to DCUM to vent, and is told it is their fault; they knew who the other person was when they got married.
The End
I feel seen.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:21
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
Our house is never messy. I would never have seriously dated a man who was a messy person, let alone gotten engaged, let alone gotten married, let alone had children with him.
While we were dating, there were a few times I stopped by unannounced (once when I was at a friend's place in the same building, once to drop off soup when he was sick, etc.) and he had a couple of shirts on his desk chair, mail piled on his desk and a few books and magazines on the floor by his bed. That was his idea of messy while he was sick.
We have agreed upon places for everything, and systems for getting rid of all the crap our kids bring home from school.
While we were dating, there were a few times I stopped by unannounced (once when I was at a friend's place in the same building, once to drop off soup when he was sick, etc.) and he had a couple of shirts on his desk chair, mail piled on his desk and a few books and magazines on the floor by his bed. That was his idea of messy while he was sick.
We have agreed upon places for everything, and systems for getting rid of all the crap our kids bring home from school.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:20
Subject: Re:Keeping the House Tidy
Anonymous wrote:I’m the slob in our relationship and I don’t really notice mess. It really bothers my wife though, so I try to respect that. So my wife and I made a list of tidy-up chores that I am solely responsible for, and so I do them on a schedule regardless of whether I think there’s actually a mess.
We also have Family Cleanup Night and Family Laundry Night once or twice a week where we put on music and all work together. Our boys are 6 and 3 and we’ve been doing this for a few years. The message is that we are all part of the family so we all need to help clean up, regardless of individual perceptions of mess. My wife has also relaxed her standards and seems to appreciate the effort by all of us even if the boys or I don’t always do things the way she would.
Just wanted to say I like this team-oriented approach. I think it sends a good message to the kids before they turn into surly teens. Even at their surliest, my teens still pick up after themselves.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:17
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
Anonymous wrote:DH is messy and I'm over the top clean. We differentiated our chores. He cooks, fixes stuff (this is a big one), grocery shops, lawn care and does 50% kid chores like reading/bathing/playing. I do all the cleaning and laundry. Every closet is immaculate and I think it helps him maintain a little. His closet still is a dumping zone though and I do the "big dig" on his closet once a year. I also have a box in our formal dining room that I dump all his stuff that I find throughout the house (mostly tools).
I think differentiating chores is key and both of us are happy and not upset at the other.
this is us but in reverse re: tidiness. DH is the neat freak and I'm, well, I leave a trail of things behind me. I know there are many things I do which drive him crazy but he has never complained and simply (and quietly) cleans up and keeps things in the house looking clean and neat. He is the cook and keeps the kitchen, fridge and freezer immaculate. He keeps the garage, sheds, and storage areas in the basement very organized too and I know it drives him nuts when the kids don't put tools back after they have used them - but he keeps it under wraps and simply takes care of things when no one is around.
I do clean out closets and declutter around the house regularly and we are ensuring our 3 older kids (one is now in college) follow the same rules - two are good and one is still a work in progress.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:17
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
Anonymous wrote:My ex-H would come home, open the closet door and throw his coat/jacket over the door. Every time he came home with a coat on.
In my head I was screaming “how much harder is it to get a hanger and hang it properly?” I never understood the do something 1/2 way.
That one just one of the many reasons we divorced.
NP. Same but then I got a hook installed on the inside of the door and now the coat gets hung there. And we lived happily ever after
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:15
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
Anonymous wrote:The tidy person tidies and grows ever more resentful with each passing day. Then s/he nags the other person to clean up after themselves. The other person doesn't see the need or, indeed, even the mess, but tiring of the constant nagging and arguing and cold silences, agrees to 'do better.' And s/he does put forth an effort, which doesn't yield great results, but at least it's an effort and the tidy person is partly mollified, at least for a while.
The tidy person continues to think the other person will get better, and in the blush of love, marries the other person. The other person is feeling those pheromones too, and makes a bigger effort. The effort lasts for shorter and shorter periods of time, because the other person inevitably falls off the wagon they don't even want to be on in the first place.
A baby is born.
The tidy person is now overwhelmed with doing. all. chores, which have multiplied with the baby and now the other person isn't nearly as diligent as they once were. The tidy person comes to DCUM to vent, and is told it is their fault; they knew who the other person was when they got married.
The End
It's all "cute" when you are in the throes of passionate love. I was the 'messy little slob'...quite another thing many years in.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:14
Subject: Keeping the House Tidy
My ex-H would come home, open the closet door and throw his coat/jacket over the door. Every time he came home with a coat on.
In my head I was screaming “how much harder is it to get a hanger and hang it properly?” I never understood the do something 1/2 way.
That one just one of the many reasons we divorced.
In my head I was screaming “how much harder is it to get a hanger and hang it properly?” I never understood the do something 1/2 way.
That one just one of the many reasons we divorced.