Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a really strange situation, so I acknowledge that first. We have a group of mom friends (I know, I hate that term too - call it whatever) from way back when. Some have boys, some have girls, most in the same age range. One of the moms is talking about (and preoccupied with) which teens are friends with which, and who could she "get to hang out with" her teen. Specifically, she was talking about "poaching" a particular teen friend from one of the nice teens. I though it sounded evil and contorted, and over involved, so I said so. She got really angry with me, and says she (basically has "exigent circumstances" for doing so - we are all in the same boat, so no, she does not). She asked for our opinion, but didn't really want it. What she was talking about seemed really mean and contrived - like an adult mean girl. Should I tell the mom of the nice teen what transpired? This sounds like the mom has some teen score to settle of her own, and I don't think what she is doing is right. Or should I MYOB? Not sure what to think of a mom who has to know who other teens hang out with - that reeks of ill intent. Sorry if this question seems immature, the situation is.

How does one poach a teen friend from someone else? Maybe she was kidding or just being silly talking with people she thought she was friends with? Clearly her kid is struggling otherwise she wouldn’t be worried about this? Is her kid a nice kid? You certainly don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt her kid.

I think you did your part in telling her how you feel. Nothing more to do from here unless you see or hear of her actually doing something specific to come in between the other two teens with whom she is trying to poach. If you see some thing she’s doing then you should say something to the other parent but otherwise just let it ride out and see what happens.

Wait, you are actually saying that it is acceptable for this over controlling mom to steal other kids' friends away? Why is that okay to you?

PPs have indicated that they have seen this behavior from grown women, so I am curious why you think it is okay? Maybe it is a really special friend to the person being (poached from)? Maybe the teen is crushed to no longer have what she thought was a good friend - but that is okay, as long as your teen has the friend YOU assign? By getting involved where you shouldn't?

Why is hurting other people okay, as long as your teen is not the one? As long as you get what you want? Do you see how ridiculous and hypocritical you sound? Do you see what you are teaching your daughter?

Following your logic, your daughter can be the "other woman" when she gets older, she can break up a family, or any group, because that is what her mom taught her - no one else matters, only her feelings. Because your daughter (no one else) is "special", and you can't be bothered to pay attention to what you really should be doing (hint: NOT micromanaging other people's teens). You sound really extraordinarily creepy and inappropriate. You don't even see how ridiculous you sound. No wonder your kid can't make their own friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is just a variant on people who spend a fortune on their homes so that all the teens will prefer to go to Cheryl's house with the pool and the pool house and the movie theater room and the awesome groceries in the fridge, rather than to Louisa's apartment. It's the idea of parents forcing other families to compete for teenager's time and friendship. All of it is very wrong on so many levels My SIL is always bragging about how her popular child was invited on someone else's expensive vacation. Isn't that kind of like 'poaching' a friend by inviting a kid to go skiing with you or to your beach house? Pretty good way to get the kid to spend time there rather than at someone else's boring house.

Depends on the vacation. If the teens initiated the vacation, asked for it themselves, made all the plans, and did not deliberately leave out one (!!!) particular person - then I see nothing wrong with it.

However, if the parents socially engineered the vacation, that is totally inappropriate. Funny you mention that situation, because I have seen this, but the mom (same group, different mom, but same intention) specifically invited an entire group, leaving one nice girl out, definitely on purpose (no second guessing, it was deliberate). As if to separate one nice girl, and try to "replace" her with their daughter. Again, this all seems so mean and contrived, and especially stunted.

What better way to make your teen a social outcast than being so involved and trying so hard? What issues do you have, that it is so important to you to get involved in this way? Why is it okay to be so involved in such an unhealthy manner? It sounds nuts, like PPs stated. Maybe get professional help instead of internalizing your teen's situation, and actually making it worse. No matter how you try to hide or deny it, the teens know exactly what is happening; and you are telling your daughter you have no faith in her making her own friends. How awful.

She invited an entire group on vacation and left out one?

Anonymous wrote:This is a really strange situation, so I acknowledge that first. We have a group of mom friends (I know, I hate that term too - call it whatever) from way back when. Some have boys, some have girls, most in the same age range. One of the moms is talking about (and preoccupied with) which teens are friends with which, and who could she "get to hang out with" her teen. Specifically, she was talking about "poaching" a particular teen friend from one of the nice teens. I though it sounded evil and contorted, and over involved, so I said so. She got really angry with me, and says she (basically has "exigent circumstances" for doing so - we are all in the same boat, so no, she does not). She asked for our opinion, but didn't really want it. What she was talking about seemed really mean and contrived - like an adult mean girl. Should I tell the mom of the nice teen what transpired? This sounds like the mom has some teen score to settle of her own, and I don't think what she is doing is right. Or should I MYOB? Not sure what to think of a mom who has to know who other teens hang out with - that reeks of ill intent. Sorry if this question seems immature, the situation is.

How does one poach a teen friend from someone else? Maybe she was kidding or just being silly talking with people she thought she was friends with? Clearly her kid is struggling otherwise she wouldn’t be worried about this? Is her kid a nice kid? You certainly don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt her kid.

I think you did your part in telling her how you feel. Nothing more to do from here unless you see or hear of her actually doing something specific to come in between the other two teens with whom she is trying to poach. If you see some thing she’s doing then you should say something to the other parent but otherwise just let it ride out and see what happens.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really understanding the poaching aspect, as well. Can these girls not have more than one friend? What circumstances are you talking about? Last I knew friends were free to hang out with other people. If a child has a problem with this, they are the problem. Based on your description it sounds like the other Mom is somehow trying to entice other teens to want t spend time with her child. Creepy? Absolutely. Not sure why she is so involved.

+1

Care to elaborate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still not as weird as someone I know that tries to make all of her kids' friends HER friends. One of them is my son and I cringe every time he says that she texted him about something or other. I had to stop sitting near her at soccer last year because it nauseated me how she would try to socialize with the teen boys and it felt too much like flirting to me. What mother has their kids' friends phone numbers except in rare circumstances. She is always texting my son some cute little meme or other Information.
So bizarre!!!

ugh that is actually legit creepy. is your son weirded out by it?

Yes he is....it's just unfortunate that he's good friends with 2 of her kids. He is 18 so I can't do much but give him my opinion/advice. He doesn't respond to Most of her texts and tries to keep his distance.

My son is a favorite of hers. She has made comments to me that make me feel like she thinks he is one of her children. I don't like it at all. We are moving to another state within a year or so and it can't come soon enough for me.

That sh&t is weird. Anytime a mom tries to "buddy up" to a kid - it is inappropriate. I have especially noticed that with (as PP noted) the moms who want "the hang out place" to be their house, for all the wrong reasons (ie: buying "popularity"). It is obvious something is desperately missing in some women's lives. They shouldn't be trying to relive their teens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still not as weird as someone I know that tries to make all of her kids' friends HER friends. One of them is my son and I cringe every time he says that she texted him about something or other. I had to stop sitting near her at soccer last year because it nauseated me how she would try to socialize with the teen boys and it felt too much like flirting to me. What mother has their kids' friends phone numbers except in rare circumstances. She is always texting my son some cute little meme or other Information.
So bizarre!!!

ugh that is actually legit creepy. is your son weirded out by it?

Yes he is....it's just unfortunate that he's good friends with 2 of her kids. He is 18 so I can't do much but give him my opinion/advice. He doesn't respond to Most of her texts and tries to keep his distance.

My son is a favorite of hers. She has made comments to me that make me feel like she thinks he is one of her children. I don't like it at all. We are moving to another state within a year or so and it can't come soon enough for me.

Why doesn't he block her?

+1

Done. Easy fix for this one. Back to the OP.....

Anonymous wrote:This is a really strange situation, so I acknowledge that first. We have a group of mom friends (I know, I hate that term too - call it whatever) from way back when. Some have boys, some have girls, most in the same age range. One of the moms is talking about (and preoccupied with) which teens are friends with which, and who could she "get to hang out with" her teen. Specifically, she was talking about "poaching" a particular teen friend from one of the nice teens. I though it sounded evil and contorted, and over involved, so I said so. She got really angry with me, and says she (basically has "exigent circumstances" for doing so - we are all in the same boat, so no, she does not). She asked for our opinion, but didn't really want it. What she was talking about seemed really mean and contrived - like an adult mean girl. Should I tell the mom of the nice teen what transpired? This sounds like the mom has some teen score to settle of her own, and I don't think what she is doing is right. Or should I MYOB? Not sure what to think of a mom who has to know who other teens hang out with - that reeks of ill intent. Sorry if this question seems immature, the situation is.

MYOB. She is welcome to try but there's no forcing teens together if they don't want to hang.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this PP. There is a mom who did this in elementary school and middle school. She would identify kids and parents she wanted to be friends with and wanted her son to be friends with and cultivate them, sometimes breaking apart long standing social groups. She was very charming to those who mattered to her and ignored those who didn't.

I've seen this, OP, not PP.

I've seen this too. I also find it gross and weird attempts at social engineering.

That said, by your own admission, you told her she was evil and contorted, and over involved, and you're surprised you got an angry reaction? LOL ok.

People like this don't show their true colors right away. When people see it, they run - teens included.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is just a variant on people who spend a fortune on their homes so that all the teens will prefer to go to Cheryl's house with the pool and the pool house and the movie theater room and the awesome groceries in the fridge, rather than to Louisa's apartment. It's the idea of parents forcing other families to compete for teenager's time and friendship. All of it is very wrong on so many levels My SIL is always bragging about how her popular child was invited on someone else's expensive vacation. Isn't that kind of like 'poaching' a friend by inviting a kid to go skiing with you or to your beach house? Pretty good way to get the kid to spend time there rather than at someone else's boring house.

Depends on the vacation. If the teens initiated the vacation, asked for it themselves, made all the plans, and did not deliberately leave out one (!!!) particular person - then I see nothing wrong with it.

However, if the parents socially engineered the vacation, that is totally inappropriate. Funny you mention that situation, because I have seen this, but the mom (same group, different mom, but same intention) specifically invited an entire group, leaving one nice girl out, definitely on purpose (no second guessing, it was deliberate). As if to separate one nice girl, and try to "replace" her with their daughter. Again, this all seems so mean and contrived, and especially stunted.

What better way to make your teen a social outcast than being so involved and trying so hard? What issues do you have, that it is so important to you to get involved in this way? Why is it okay to be so involved in such an unhealthy manner? It sounds nuts, like PPs stated. Maybe get professional help instead of internalizing your teen's situation, and actually making it worse. No matter how you try to hide or deny it, the teens know exactly what is happening; and you are telling your daughter you have no faith in her making her own friends. How awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this PP. There is a mom who did this in elementary school and middle school. She would identify kids and parents she wanted to be friends with and wanted her son to be friends with and cultivate them, sometimes breaking apart long standing social groups. She was very charming to those who mattered to her and ignored those who didn't.

I've seen this, OP, not PP.

I've seen this too. I also find it gross and weird attempts at social engineering.

That said, by your own admission, you told her she was evil and contorted, and over involved, and you're surprised you got an angry reaction? LOL ok.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still not as weird as someone I know that tries to make all of her kids' friends HER friends. One of them is my son and I cringe every time he says that she texted him about something or other. I had to stop sitting near her at soccer last year because it nauseated me how she would try to socialize with the teen boys and it felt too much like flirting to me. What mother has their kids' friends phone numbers except in rare circumstances. She is always texting my son some cute little meme or other Information.
So bizarre!!!

I’d put a stop to that if he were my son. Flip it: if some dad were texting your daughter....

I would too.

Me three. This isn't right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still not as weird as someone I know that tries to make all of her kids' friends HER friends. One of them is my son and I cringe every time he says that she texted him about something or other. I had to stop sitting near her at soccer last year because it nauseated me how she would try to socialize with the teen boys and it felt too much like flirting to me. What mother has their kids' friends phone numbers except in rare circumstances. She is always texting my son some cute little meme or other Information.
So bizarre!!!

ugh that is actually legit creepy. is your son weirded out by it?

Yes he is....it's just unfortunate that he's good friends with 2 of her kids. He is 18 so I can't do much but give him my opinion/advice. He doesn't respond to Most of her texts and tries to keep his distance.

My son is a favorite of hers. She has made comments to me that make me feel like she thinks he is one of her children. I don't like it at all. We are moving to another state within a year or so and it can't come soon enough for me.

Why doesn't he block her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still not as weird as someone I know that tries to make all of her kids' friends HER friends. One of them is my son and I cringe every time he says that she texted him about something or other. I had to stop sitting near her at soccer last year because it nauseated me how she would try to socialize with the teen boys and it felt too much like flirting to me. What mother has their kids' friends phone numbers except in rare circumstances. She is always texting my son some cute little meme or other Information.
So bizarre!!!

ugh that is actually legit creepy. is your son weirded out by it?

Yes he is....it's just unfortunate that he's good friends with 2 of her kids. He is 18 so I can't do much but give him my opinion/advice. He doesn't respond to Most of her texts and tries to keep his distance.

My son is a favorite of hers. She has made comments to me that make me feel like she thinks he is one of her children. I don't like it at all. We are moving to another state within a year or so and it can't come soon enough for me.

Anonymous wrote:I've seen this PP. There is a mom who did this in elementary school and middle school. She would identify kids and parents she wanted to be friends with and wanted her son to be friends with and cultivate them, sometimes breaking apart long standing social groups. She was very charming to those who mattered to her and ignored those who didn't.

This unfortunately happens way too often in elementary school. By the time they’re teenagers, parents who try to do this are pathetic.

I'm not really understanding the poaching aspect, as well. Can these girls not have more than one friend? What circumstances are you talking about? Last I knew friends were free to hang out with other people. If a child has a problem with this, they are the problem. Based on your description it sounds like the other Mom is somehow trying to entice other teens to want t spend time with her child. Creepy? Absolutely. Not sure why she is so involved.