Funny, my son asked if he could do a "coed" sleepover when he was 18.

His friend said, you know he is an adult and he doesn't need to ask your permission. (I've know the kid since he was 5 so this was not flippant just his observation.)

I said, you know if he gets a girl pregnant or gets arrested, who is going to have to help financially... I'm not telling him if he can go or not go, it's his decision but he is consulting me to determine if it is a good decision or not.

The other kid clearly had a totalitarian parent where it was rules are either followed or not and lots of control issues going on in that family unit. If you go, we take your phone/car/etc. If you follow our rules we give you material things.

I said, we are discussing it and he is not fully independent until he can be financially independent too. Over the next 10 years, you guys "as adults" will make good decision and bad ones and we are hear to love and support you during those learning and growing times. You may be smart and an adult but you are not wise, that comes with experiences. If I forbid all your experiences that I wisely know are not the best, it will hurt your own growth. So instead of thinking of me making rules, you can consult me when you don't know what is a good vs. a bad decision. I am here to love and support you. But you have to realize that you are taking my emotional and financial resources when you make mistakes and I appreciate you not act like I have endless funds (financially or emotionally).

You should make decision knowing the negative affects affect others and if you love them you don't want to negatively affect them.

Anonymous wrote:In the eyes of the law, they are an adult.

Drill that home. Mommy and daddy can’t fix things anymore. Have them watch prison movies, “locked up abroad”, etc. Scare them straight.

You must be black or poor if you think mommy and daddy "can't fix things" anymore.

Anonymous wrote:18 they legally are an adult. But this sounds more like them needing to understanding that with adulthood comes responsibility, accountability, and the need for financial stability. If they’ve got all that then they are an Independent adult. If not, they are a dependent that needs to understand boundaries and rules.

This is the best, most succinct and germane reply I've read on DCUM in months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

You cannot prevent that. You don’t have to financially support them anymore, but they can absolutely move out if they want.

I was given advice a long time ago that our job as parents is to raise an adult. By the time your kid is 17 there should be few if any 'rules' that you demand from them. They should be free to make choices and fail and suffer consequences. You will be there to still help guide and pick up the pieces.
This helps make the transition to college 100 times better than those suffocated at home and then 100% free from any restraint when they move.

If you're the kind of parent you sound like you need to be prepared for them to move out. My mother told me I'd never be an adult until she let me, and that I'd need to live with her until I found a husband because I was stupid and useless and would never be able to do it on my own, among other nasty things she said and did. So I spent my teens plotting how to leave the moment I could. I saved every penny, figured out what I'd need to do to get my HS diploma, talked to my boss about adding more hours, and arranged to move in to my coworkers empty bedroom. I moved out the day after my birthday and never looked back. I graduated from college, law school, and have a happy family - life accomplishments that my mother takes full credit for, all while complaining that we don't visit so she can "show us off".

In the eyes of the law, they are an adult.

Drill that home. Mommy and daddy can’t fix things anymore. Have them watch prison movies, “locked up abroad”, etc. Scare them straight.

You can legally enter into a contract, you can join the military, you go to real jail, you can buy cigarettes. Sure let him move out. Do not give him any financial help including cell phone, car, insurance, rent and see how adult he feels.

It sounds like you picked a bad time to start parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.


OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

BTDT, OP. You don't phrase it as "you aren't allowed to move out." Instead you phrase it as suggested by the PP: "Of course, honey. In the eyes of the law you are an adult. As such, you are perfectly free to move out of this house and go wherever you would like. Of course, since in the eyes of the laws you are an adult, I am also not obligated to provide you with any financial support whatsoever. So if you would continue to enjoy that financial support--then you need to follow the rules that come with it."

This pretty much sums it up

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Sorry but that isn’t accurate actually. They are 18. They can move out if they want. However they cannot move out and expect you to support them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Say what?

You sound like a real piece of work. There is a legitimate point about adult dependents still needing to accept some rules from parents, but your posts sound over-the-top.

Our son graduated and turned 18 in June. We explained to him that the rules would remain the same, but with a few adjustments to allow him a bit more freedom (later curfew, fewer check-ins, more autonomy). On the flip side though, during this gap year he's taking, he had to get a job, take the initiative to register for classes at Moco, take on some extra chores around the house and pay a portion of his cell phone bill. It's a work in progress, but he's mostly hitting the marks. Our perspective is that, you're not a full-fledged adult until you're able to support yourself and live independently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Here's an experiment. Try calling the police and telling them that your 18-year-old ran away from home. They will laugh you off the phone.

An 18-year-old can indeed move out and go wherever and whenever they want. You don't have to financially support them, but they can in fact do that. You are in for a rude awakening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Do they have special needs?