another horrible betrayal will happen the next time any sort of strain arises in the marriage

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has reconciled after infidelity (I was the cheater), your therapist sounds terrible. You have every right to voice your pain and hurt without it being minimized. My H and I both pursued individual therapy to deal with our stuff. Then we did "couples therapy" ourselves. We would schedule a time to spend an hour talking through the affair and other hard stuff. We had a few rules: treat each other respectfully, listen, and it was over after one hour. Afterward, we would do separate activities (like go to a movie or to the store) so we could process and decompress on our own. At first these times were a couple of times a week; then weekly; then bi-weekly, monthly, and now, ten years later, we schedule times when needed (and are never dismissive if the other person wants to talk).

Yes, there is some value is finding some joy doing activities together. But there is also a lot of value in talking through what happened. You deserve as much detail as you want. He needs to start taking concrete steps in order to make you feel safe. I post a lot on infidelity message boards, and believe if a WS does not fully take responsibility and deal with their actions, it is likely to happen again. Personally I will never make such a horrible choice again, not just because of the pain I caused my husband, but also because I never again want to be the kind of person who thinks those choices are okay. I did a lot of hard work on myself to get to the bottom of why I did what I did; I shared it all with my H. Transparency is not just about passwords. It was not an easy or quick path and unfortunately many WS want to take the easy way out and that does not ultimately address the root cause.

Like I said, I would definitely pursue individual therapy for yourself and your husband. Stop with this couples therapist and maybe take a few months to see if you can talk through things yourself. If not, and you still want to pursue reconciliation, look for another therapist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

Can I ask how long it took you to discover why this happened and share it with your husband? Wondering how patient I need to be with this. I realize it must be a series of issues over a long period of time. He's not a terribly communicative person and has some mental health issues, and probably did this partly because he couldn't communicate his feelings well enough, so I expect it will take longer than a woman would which is why I think it's important a therapist leads him to talk about it in a kind way.

The first six months after d-day were not ideal for us. I trickle truthed, and saw it as protecting my H, but I was only protecting myself. He's a smart guy and figured it out. At that point, I realized I wanted to change, not for my H but for me. I did not want to be the kind of person who thought these choices were okay. And that is when I went all in on therapy and working on myself. I would share what I learned on a regular basis. 

Reconciliation is a journey, not a destination. I am still working on myself today, ten years after d-day. But it was probably after that six month date that I started really trying to get to the core of my issues. My H called it peeling the onion; every time I got to a point where I said, this is why I did what I did. He would say: that's great, but keep peeling the onion. I peeled the crap out of my own onion. And he was right because it took a while to really understand how I got to where I thought my choices were okay.

All WS and all BS are different. You need to understand how much patience you will have and adjust your expectations accordingly. Are you doing your own IC? It was very helpful for my H, having a safe place to unload everything and talk through steps that would help him. 
I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Thanks. I think I need you as our therapist! You should go into the business. You'd knock your competition out of the park.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has reconciled after infidelity (I was the cheater), your therapist sounds terrible. You have every right to voice your pain and hurt without it being minimized. My H and I both pursued individual therapy to deal with our stuff. Then we did "couples therapy" ourselves. We would schedule a time to spend an hour talking through the affair and other hard stuff. We had a few rules: treat each other respectfully, listen, and it was over after one hour. Afterward, we would do separate activities (like go to a movie or to the store) so we could process and decompress on our own. At first these times were a couple of times a week; then weekly; then bi-weekly, monthly, and now, ten years later, we schedule times when needed (and are never dismissive if the other person wants to talk).

Yes, there is some value is finding some joy doing activities together. But there is also a lot of value in talking through what happened. You deserve as much detail as you want. He needs to start taking concrete steps in order to make you feel safe. I post a lot on infidelity message boards, and believe if a WS does not fully take responsibility and deal with their actions, it is likely to happen again. Personally I will never make such a horrible choice again, not just because of the pain I caused my husband, but also because I never again want to be the kind of person who thinks those choices are okay. I did a lot of hard work on myself to get to the bottom of why I did what I did; I shared it all with my H. Transparency is not just about passwords. It was not an easy or quick path and unfortunately many WS want to take the easy way out and that does not ultimately address the root cause.

Like I said, I would definitely pursue individual therapy for yourself and your husband. Stop with this couples therapist and maybe take a few months to see if you can talk through things yourself. If not, and you still want to pursue reconciliation, look for another therapist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

Can I ask how long it took you to discover why this happened and share it with your husband? Wondering how patient I need to be with this. I realize it must be a series of issues over a long period of time. He's not a terribly communicative person and has some mental health issues, and probably did this partly because he couldn't communicate his feelings well enough, so I expect it will take longer than a woman would which is why I think it's important a therapist leads him to talk about it in a kind way.

The first six months after d-day were not ideal for us. I trickle truthed, and saw it as protecting my H, but I was only protecting myself. He's a smart guy and figured it out. At that point, I realized I wanted to change, not for my H but for me. I did not want to be the kind of person who thought these choices were okay. And that is when I went all in on therapy and working on myself. I would share what I learned on a regular basis. 

Reconciliation is a journey, not a destination. I am still working on myself today, ten years after d-day. But it was probably after that six month date that I started really trying to get to the core of my issues. My H called it peeling the onion; every time I got to a point where I said, this is why I did what I did. He would say: that's great, but keep peeling the onion. I peeled the crap out of my own onion. And he was right because it took a while to really understand how I got to where I thought my choices were okay.

All WS and all BS are different. You need to understand how much patience you will have and adjust your expectations accordingly. Are you doing your own IC? It was very helpful for my H, having a safe place to unload everything and talk through steps that would help him. 
I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has reconciled after infidelity (I was the cheater), your therapist sounds terrible. You have every right to voice your pain and hurt without it being minimized. My H and I both pursued individual therapy to deal with our stuff. Then we did "couples therapy" ourselves. We would schedule a time to spend an hour talking through the affair and other hard stuff. We had a few rules: treat each other respectfully, listen, and it was over after one hour. Afterward, we would do separate activities (like go to a movie or to the store) so we could process and decompress on our own. At first these times were a couple of times a week; then weekly; then bi-weekly, monthly, and now, ten years later, we schedule times when needed (and are never dismissive if the other person wants to talk).

Yes, there is some value is finding some joy doing activities together. But there is also a lot of value in talking through what happened. You deserve as much detail as you want. He needs to start taking concrete steps in order to make you feel safe. I post a lot on infidelity message boards, and believe if a WS does not fully take responsibility and deal with their actions, it is likely to happen again. Personally I will never make such a horrible choice again, not just because of the pain I caused my husband, but also because I never again want to be the kind of person who thinks those choices are okay. I did a lot of hard work on myself to get to the bottom of why I did what I did; I shared it all with my H. Transparency is not just about passwords. It was not an easy or quick path and unfortunately many WS want to take the easy way out and that does not ultimately address the root cause.

Like I said, I would definitely pursue individual therapy for yourself and your husband. Stop with this couples therapist and maybe take a few months to see if you can talk through things yourself. If not, and you still want to pursue reconciliation, look for another therapist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

Can I ask how long it took you to discover why this happened and share it with your husband? Wondering how patient I need to be with this. I realize it must be a series of issues over a long period of time. He's not a terribly communicative person and has some mental health issues, and probably did this partly because he couldn't communicate his feelings well enough, so I expect it will take longer than a woman would which is why I think it's important a therapist leads him to talk about it in a kind way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has reconciled after infidelity (I was the cheater), your therapist sounds terrible. You have every right to voice your pain and hurt without it being minimized. My H and I both pursued individual therapy to deal with our stuff. Then we did "couples therapy" ourselves. We would schedule a time to spend an hour talking through the affair and other hard stuff. We had a few rules: treat each other respectfully, listen, and it was over after one hour. Afterward, we would do separate activities (like go to a movie or to the store) so we could process and decompress on our own. At first these times were a couple of times a week; then weekly; then bi-weekly, monthly, and now, ten years later, we schedule times when needed (and are never dismissive if the other person wants to talk).

Yes, there is some value is finding some joy doing activities together. But there is also a lot of value in talking through what happened. You deserve as much detail as you want. He needs to start taking concrete steps in order to make you feel safe. I post a lot on infidelity message boards, and believe if a WS does not fully take responsibility and deal with their actions, it is likely to happen again. Personally I will never make such a horrible choice again, not just because of the pain I caused my husband, but also because I never again want to be the kind of person who thinks those choices are okay. I did a lot of hard work on myself to get to the bottom of why I did what I did; I shared it all with my H. Transparency is not just about passwords. It was not an easy or quick path and unfortunately many WS want to take the easy way out and that does not ultimately address the root cause.

Like I said, I would definitely pursue individual therapy for yourself and your husband. Stop with this couples therapist and maybe take a few months to see if you can talk through things yourself. If not, and you still want to pursue reconciliation, look for another therapist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

We did the try to work it out ourselves and he cheated on me throughout it. We got books. Went on dates to talk. All of it and he still cheated. By cheating this time, it was just online cheating that I know of, but still it was cheating. So now we are with a therapist and hopefully a new one soon. We've never done this before, so I just didn't know. I guess if he cheated, it was unlikely that therapy between just us was going to work and I was naïve to think so.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has reconciled after infidelity (I was the cheater), your therapist sounds terrible. You have every right to voice your pain and hurt without it being minimized. My H and I both pursued individual therapy to deal with our stuff. Then we did "couples therapy" ourselves. We would schedule a time to spend an hour talking through the affair and other hard stuff. We had a few rules: treat each other respectfully, listen, and it was over after one hour. Afterward, we would do separate activities (like go to a movie or to the store) so we could process and decompress on our own. At first these times were a couple of times a week; then weekly; then bi-weekly, monthly, and now, ten years later, we schedule times when needed (and are never dismissive if the other person wants to talk).

Yes, there is some value is finding some joy doing activities together. But there is also a lot of value in talking through what happened. You deserve as much detail as you want. He needs to start taking concrete steps in order to make you feel safe. I post a lot on infidelity message boards, and believe if a WS does not fully take responsibility and deal with their actions, it is likely to happen again. Personally I will never make such a horrible choice again, not just because of the pain I caused my husband, but also because I never again want to be the kind of person who thinks those choices are okay. I did a lot of hard work on myself to get to the bottom of why I did what I did; I shared it all with my H. Transparency is not just about passwords. It was not an easy or quick path and unfortunately many WS want to take the easy way out and that does not ultimately address the root cause.

Like I said, I would definitely pursue individual therapy for yourself and your husband. Stop with this couples therapist and maybe take a few months to see if you can talk through things yourself. If not, and you still want to pursue reconciliation, look for another therapist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has reconciled after infidelity (I was the cheater), your therapist sounds terrible. You have every right to voice your pain and hurt without it being minimized. My H and I both pursued individual therapy to deal with our stuff. Then we did "couples therapy" ourselves. We would schedule a time to spend an hour talking through the affair and other hard stuff. We had a few rules: treat each other respectfully, listen, and it was over after one hour. Afterward, we would do separate activities (like go to a movie or to the store) so we could process and decompress on our own. At first these times were a couple of times a week; then weekly; then bi-weekly, monthly, and now, ten years later, we schedule times when needed (and are never dismissive if the other person wants to talk).

Yes, there is some value is finding some joy doing activities together. But there is also a lot of value in talking through what happened. You deserve as much detail as you want. He needs to start taking concrete steps in order to make you feel safe. I post a lot on infidelity message boards, and believe if a WS does not fully take responsibility and deal with their actions, it is likely to happen again. Personally I will never make such a horrible choice again, not just because of the pain I caused my husband, but also because I never again want to be the kind of person who thinks those choices are okay. I did a lot of hard work on myself to get to the bottom of why I did what I did; I shared it all with my H. Transparency is not just about passwords. It was not an easy or quick path and unfortunately many WS want to take the easy way out and that does not ultimately address the root cause.

Like I said, I would definitely pursue individual therapy for yourself and your husband. Stop with this couples therapist and maybe take a few months to see if you can talk through things yourself. If not, and you still want to pursue reconciliation, look for another therapist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geeez, get out of the marriage already! Like yesterday. Adultry = divorce. Always.

This. Save yourself the trouble