Anonymous
10/15/2020 16:15
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
We have 3 -- ages 6 (B), 3 (B), 18 months (G). I love it, but man it is a ton of work and I can see how it is only going to get crazier when they all have activities!
I think the thing that would be a hard no for me is the fact that your youngest is already 3. You would essentially be starting over again. That is why we had 2 and 3 so close together.
I think the thing that would be a hard no for me is the fact that your youngest is already 3. You would essentially be starting over again. That is why we had 2 and 3 so close together.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 16:10
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:do it! you will never regret having another kid when you are older. and your kids will always be thankful for another sibling.
Oh I assure you, some of us are not thankful for our additional sibling. My younger sibling would shove me in front of a bus for $5.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 16:02
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I focus more on the emotions (having a third kid would make me-and our whole family-happy and we would never regret it, it would ultimately enrich our lives despite the added challenges). Typical husband/wife dynamic I guess as I've heard many people lament the same.
it is a hugely financial decision also- emotion should not be the only driver.
and I don't believe your statement "we would never regret it" I bet your husband would regret it. I know many who do (including my own)
your spouse regrets one of your children? I'm sorry. Genuinely. That must suck.
My spouse has said he would absolutely love/not regret having another kid if we did somehow happen to have an accidental pregnancy but it's just not something he can bring himself, as the pragmatist he is, to actively plan to do. That is why I say we would never regret it. I know I wouldn't and I really don't think even my spouse would since he himself has said as much.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:47
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:I currently have 2 kids, 6 and 3. They're close, and I'm wondering about a third.\
Pros:
I always have wanted a large family
My 6 year old DD wants another sister
We have the room and money for another
Cons:
I don't see any, which is why I'm asking for help
Can you afford 3?
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:45
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote: I focus more on the emotions (having a third kid would make me-and our whole family-happy and we would never regret it, it would ultimately enrich our lives despite the added challenges). Typical husband/wife dynamic I guess as I've heard many people lament the same.
it is a hugely financial decision also- emotion should not be the only driver.
and I don't believe your statement "we would never regret it" I bet your husband would regret it. I know many who do (including my own)
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:41
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
if you like order and peace and control- no
if you like chaos and noise and disorder and expense- yes
I had 4 kids (youngest are twins) and my personality was not suited for it.
I'm kinda impatient, like order and some semblance of control, and having 4 kids is kinda driving me into a slight mental breakdown. There is so much noise and chaos in our house that I can't think clearly, except for when I go to work.
Plus, the older they get, the huge responsibilities of school and saving for college really start to weigh on you.
It also puts a lot of stress on a marriage.
So, if you are super laid back and wealthy- go for it.
if you like chaos and noise and disorder and expense- yes
I had 4 kids (youngest are twins) and my personality was not suited for it.
I'm kinda impatient, like order and some semblance of control, and having 4 kids is kinda driving me into a slight mental breakdown. There is so much noise and chaos in our house that I can't think clearly, except for when I go to work.
Plus, the older they get, the huge responsibilities of school and saving for college really start to weigh on you.
It also puts a lot of stress on a marriage.
So, if you are super laid back and wealthy- go for it.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:39
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here is my list for the same decision
Pros:
I love babies/kids and being a parent generally
My kids would love to have another sibling
I always saw myself w a big family
We could easily fit another baby/toddler/preschooler into our lives w our current schedule and w already having a life set up to accommodate the needs of young kids—we wouldn’t have to change much about our current day to day operations
We could fit another kid into our house just fine
We already own a mini van
We already have all the baby/young kid supplies
We’re pretty good at this parenting thing by now and feel much more competent to handle kids now than we did before our first or second kids were born
Cons:
Less $$
Less time/attention for each kid
Harder to take kids to activities, harder to go on vacations
More years until retirement
More years paying for college
Another person to worry about for the rest of your life
The risk of another pregnancy and childbirth taking a toll on your body/health
The potential to have a kid who has a lot of health needs or special needs or difficult in temperament when our current two kids are really healthy and easy
Guilt about bringing another kid into a broken world and the environmental impact of bringing more people into the world
Conclusion: we’re not having another kid.
I’m curious to hear how or why this list tipped you to a “no” answer. We have a similar list but are less confident in where we land. How did you weigh the “I love this and it would be so fun list with your more pragmatic cons list? Especially if you *can* afford it.
Simple: For me, the pros outweigh the cons; for my spouse, the cons outweigh the pros. And the "no" vote wins.
Oh, and I should add, we can definitely afford it. My spouse is just more of a pragmatist and tends to focus on the practical challenges inherent in a situation whereas I focus more on the emotions (having a third kid would make me-and our whole family-happy and we would never regret it, it would ultimately enrich our lives despite the added challenges). Typical husband/wife dynamic I guess as I've heard many people lament the same.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:34
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here is my list for the same decision
Pros:
I love babies/kids and being a parent generally
My kids would love to have another sibling
I always saw myself w a big family
We could easily fit another baby/toddler/preschooler into our lives w our current schedule and w already having a life set up to accommodate the needs of young kids—we wouldn’t have to change much about our current day to day operations
We could fit another kid into our house just fine
We already own a mini van
We already have all the baby/young kid supplies
We’re pretty good at this parenting thing by now and feel much more competent to handle kids now than we did before our first or second kids were born
Cons:
Less $$
Less time/attention for each kid
Harder to take kids to activities, harder to go on vacations
More years until retirement
More years paying for college
Another person to worry about for the rest of your life
The risk of another pregnancy and childbirth taking a toll on your body/health
The potential to have a kid who has a lot of health needs or special needs or difficult in temperament when our current two kids are really healthy and easy
Guilt about bringing another kid into a broken world and the environmental impact of bringing more people into the world
Conclusion: we’re not having another kid.
I’m curious to hear how or why this list tipped you to a “no” answer. We have a similar list but are less confident in where we land. How did you weigh the “I love this and it would be so fun list with your more pragmatic cons list? Especially if you *can* afford it.
Simple: For me, the pros outweigh the cons; for my spouse, the cons outweigh the pros. And the "no" vote wins.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:24
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:I currently have 2 kids, 6 and 3. They're close, and I'm wondering about a third.\
Pros:
I always have wanted a large family
My 6 year old DD wants another sister
We have the room and money for another
Cons:
I don't see any, which is why I'm asking for help
Perhaps I've spent too much time in therapy, but if it's all pros and no cons, you would just be doing it. So - why aren't you? There's a con that you know and either aren't saying out loud or aren't being honest with yourself about. But you know what it is, if you think about it.
My suspicion:
"I don't want to - I've done this twice already, I know the reality, and doing it again does not sound fun."
And if that's the case, don't do it! But start by being honest with yourself. "I changed my mind" is a perfectly valid reason. You don't need more than that.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 15:14
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
Now that my two are older (late ES and MS) I'm increasingly busy and pulled in different directions with extra curriculars, homework and project help (and now DL.) Years ago we debated a third and I'm glad I don't have a 4-5 year old right now on top of everything else. But everyone is different.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 14:58
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
Time.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 14:58
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:Here is my list for the same decision
Pros:
I love babies/kids and being a parent generally
My kids would love to have another sibling
I always saw myself w a big family
We could easily fit another baby/toddler/preschooler into our lives w our current schedule and w already having a life set up to accommodate the needs of young kids—we wouldn’t have to change much about our current day to day operations
We could fit another kid into our house just fine
We already own a mini van
We already have all the baby/young kid supplies
We’re pretty good at this parenting thing by now and feel much more competent to handle kids now than we did before our first or second kids were born
Cons:
Less $$
Less time/attention for each kid
Harder to take kids to activities, harder to go on vacations
More years until retirement
More years paying for college
Another person to worry about for the rest of your life
The risk of another pregnancy and childbirth taking a toll on your body/health
The potential to have a kid who has a lot of health needs or special needs or difficult in temperament when our current two kids are really healthy and easy
Guilt about bringing another kid into a broken world and the environmental impact of bringing more people into the world
Conclusion: we’re not having another kid.
I’m curious to hear how or why this list tipped you to a “no” answer. We have a similar list but are less confident in where we land. How did you weigh the “I love this and it would be so fun list with your more pragmatic cons list? Especially if you *can* afford it.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 14:48
Subject: Re:Debating 3rd kid
The downside would be if it is a boy (it appears you are hoping for a girl). Also, there is going to be a pretty big age difference between your youngest and the baby. If you get pregnant right away, that’s already four years apart which is pretty large.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 14:23
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
Anonymous wrote:We have 3. I love love love having 3. They are now 8, 6 and 3. I don't regret the choice in the slightest. Things I knew before having 3 but didn't really understand until actually having 3: 3 is a LOT more work as they get older. You now have 3 opinions to handle, 3 differnet personalities, 3 differnet types of needs, and 3 people to pay for. It is tricky to juggle it all, and I know it will only become a lot harder as they age. I feel hard-pressed sometimes to treat everyone as an individual instead of a collective whole. I know I am only at the starting line for this and as they age, it will be much harder. Just think hard about creating another human versus just having another baby. There's a difference in those ideas, and I didn't really think about that difference or feel it, until the 3rd got here.
This hasn’t been the case for us. Mine are 17, 15 and 11. It’s gotten easier as they get older, however there are many more combinations of who fights with who. They’re always someone available to pick a fight with and it changes daily.
The only cons I can think of are cost (3 Different sports teams, 3 tuitions, 3 weddings, Etc) and added complexity to vacations. We generally avoid hotel rooms since there is no way we would comfortably fit in one. Also, airfare for 5 adds up.
The third kid does get carted around to siblings activities a lot when they’re young but I found that makes them a more laid back adaptable kid. My third kid was a super chill go with the flow baby.
Anonymous
10/15/2020 14:17
Subject: Debating 3rd kid
We have 3 -- ages 10, 8 and 5. I grew up in a family of 3 kids, and my husband was the oopsie-4th (9 years behind his other 3). As an anonymous internet stranger, I totally encourage you to go for the 3rd so long as you and DH are on the same page. It was nowhere near as hard to navigate going from 2 to 3 as it was going from 1 to 2. Now with sports and activities, it is getting more complicated but that will be for a finite number of years.
My girls (the older 2) love being the older siblings, and the youngest loves being the youngest (the boy). I do see the middle feeling like a "middle" and some history potentially repeating itself like with my middle sib (I'm the oldest). I'm actually considering a 4th to balance things out as there are a lot of 2 on 1s (in all combos) so someone always feels left out. Maybe a 4th would even the scales.
My girls (the older 2) love being the older siblings, and the youngest loves being the youngest (the boy). I do see the middle feeling like a "middle" and some history potentially repeating itself like with my middle sib (I'm the oldest). I'm actually considering a 4th to balance things out as there are a lot of 2 on 1s (in all combos) so someone always feels left out. Maybe a 4th would even the scales.