Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For one week, tally up the amount of time you both spend on kid/house stuff (don't tell him you're doing this, or he'll step it up temporarily and then slide back). Be honest.

If it's off-balance, tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours in proportion to how much extra work you do, unless he increases his load until it's equal and sustains it. Track everything so it's fair.

If he doesn't step it up after a couple weeks, cut back on your work hours. Don't ask permission. Don't let him know before you do it - you already told him what needed to happen and he failed.

Stop doing things like his laundry. Today. Anything he did for himself before you/kids he needs to continue doing for himself.

PP here. I want to add:

Start thinking and acting like a man. Men don't ask permission. They don't beg or plead. They don't say someone won't "let" them do it. They just do it and everyone else can deal.

Realizing this was a game-changer for me.

+1

Also: Say, "that doesn't work for me." Repeat as necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For one week, tally up the amount of time you both spend on kid/house stuff (don't tell him you're doing this, or he'll step it up temporarily and then slide back). Be honest.

If it's off-balance, tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours in proportion to how much extra work you do, unless he increases his load until it's equal and sustains it. Track everything so it's fair.

If he doesn't step it up after a couple weeks, cut back on your work hours. Don't ask permission. Don't let him know before you do it - you already told him what needed to happen and he failed.

Stop doing things like his laundry. Today. Anything he did for himself before you/kids he needs to continue doing for himself.

Or just go to your mom's for two weeks.

I had to go out of town for work for two weeks once, and my H had his parents AND my parents come help. Then talked about how easy caring for the kids alone was, so how could I possibly be stressed.

Well hire a cleaner a couple a days a week and a tutor for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do it because I don't want to live in a pig sty. He's totally fine with never changing the sheets or cleaning the shower every six months. I think that is disgusting and don't want to live that way, so I do it.

I think this is the situation that a lot of women find themselves in, if they are married to men who aren't clean freaks. He's not as bothered by mess and filth as I am.

We'd be living in literal filfth if I waited for him to clean things.

Long game, OP. Long game.

Also, I assure you he does care (maybe not as much as you) but he does care. It’s going to be a rude awakening if you stop doing everything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do it because I don't want to live in a pig sty. He's totally fine with never changing the sheets or cleaning the shower every six months. I think that is disgusting and don't want to live that way, so I do it.

I think this is the situation that a lot of women find themselves in, if they are married to men who aren't clean freaks. He's not as bothered by mess and filth as I am.

We'd be living in literal filfth if I waited for him to clean things.

Why are you doing his laundry?

Exactly. OP you have to adopt and enforce some boundaries with your husband.

If your kids are in elementary, you’re in luck because dropping the ball on distance learning will have zero impact on them long term. Stop helping. Send them to their dad with every problem.

Get out if the kitchen!!!! Seriously. Move into his office. Work from there. If he complains, you use his line “If I don’t get an office, it’s not fair that you get one.”

Reading posts like this about women who let their husbands treat them like work mules, really pisses me off.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do it because I don't want to live in a pig sty. He's totally fine with never changing the sheets or cleaning the shower every six months. I think that is disgusting and don't want to live that way, so I do it.

I think this is the situation that a lot of women find themselves in, if they are married to men who aren't clean freaks. He's not as bothered by mess and filth as I am.

We'd be living in literal filfth if I waited for him to clean things.

Why are you doing his laundry?

OP here. I do it because I don't want to live in a pig sty. He's totally fine with never changing the sheets or cleaning the shower every six months. I think that is disgusting and don't want to live that way, so I do it.

I think this is the situation that a lot of women find themselves in, if they are married to men who aren't clean freaks. He's not as bothered by mess and filth as I am.

We'd be living in literal filfth if I waited for him to clean things.

Stop doing housework. No one will die and if it matters he'll pick it up.

Say it with me: "I don't care, you do it."

Stop doing the kid stuff, cleaning, laundry, shopping, Doctor appointments, school help, homework, carpool, etc. Get on equal footing again. Then divide responsibilities.

Have him read this article and have a true discussion about it. If he won’t, just to to PT.

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

OP here. I know people are focusing on the language -he won't "let" me, etc.

In our marriage, we spend money freely but we give each other a head's up for purchases over ~ 250 or so. So we kind of gave each other veto power over certain decisions.

I could go part time and make that choice myself but I know he wouldn't be happy about it and if I did that, he'd have a legitimate bone to pick with me. I don't know that it would end in divorce but I could see him being really really angry for a while and in a valid way. I know he doesn't support this decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For one week, tally up the amount of time you both spend on kid/house stuff (don't tell him you're doing this, or he'll step it up temporarily and then slide back). Be honest.

If it's off-balance, tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours in proportion to how much extra work you do, unless he increases his load until it's equal and sustains it. Track everything so it's fair.

If he doesn't step it up after a couple weeks, cut back on your work hours. Don't ask permission. Don't let him know before you do it - you already told him what needed to happen and he failed.

Stop doing things like his laundry. Today. Anything he did for himself before you/kids he needs to continue doing for himself.

Or just go to your mom's for two weeks.

I had to go out of town for work for two weeks once, and my H had his parents AND my parents come help. Then talked about how easy caring for the kids alone was, so how could I possibly be stressed.

You BOTH have a communication problem. Very likely it extends to other aspects of your marriage too, if you are this poorly communicating about something so fundamental.

You and he need to sit down (when the kids are NOT around or awake, and when neither of you has any deadlines etc. or anyplace else you "have" to be).

He and you together need to create a family budget in complete and painstaking detail. How does he know you cannot afford the mortage etc. if you go part-time? Has anyone written down ALL your expenses, including every single thing like camps, food, clothing, entertainment (yes, include every little streaming service and so on) etc., and really delved into what you both make and spend? Do you, yourself, know for sure what your salary would be part-time and whether that could change, or if pandemic economy might mean your employer would see you as a better candidate to cut entirely if job cuts come? And so on, and so on. He should not be saying "We can't afford..." without real numbers to back that up, but neither should you be saying, "We can afford..." without numbers too.

You also both have to factor in things like whether you will lose certain job benefits if you go part-time. Would it affect a 401(k) or other retirement savings for you? Would it affect health insurance at all? And so on.

Then you need to write down all these tasks that you take care of at home and with the kids so that you and he both know how much you do and how much time it actually consumes. Probably more than he realizes, or even more than you realize yourself. I've seen suggestions on DCUM before for the parent who takes on the bulk of the household/child work to research how much that same work would be costing you if you hired a cleaner, tutor, sitter, etc. It can wake both of you up to the actual cash value of what you do. Be aware that he might react badly and say, "Well, so you want to put a monetary value on being a parent!" etc. Only you know how he might react.

I also think you need to ask yourself whether he was raised in a home where they did live on the edge at least some of the time, financially. Did his family live paycheck to paycheck? Did he have a stay at home mom, whom his own dad saw as "not contributing enough" because she did not hold a paying job? Did your DH himself have to scrape and scrimp to get through college and/or in the early years after college? Did his family instill in him a fear of financial ruin? Those things play a huge role in how adults think about money, security and spouses who do or don't work for a salary. You need to think about this before you approach him. You might even need a third party like a counselor in the short term to be a mediator between you, if you and he cannot communicate about money issues.

The language of "he won't LET me" is troubling. One spouse does not "let" or "refuse to let" another spouse do or not do...anything. You could move to part time without informing him first, as you mention, but that frankly sounds like you're willing to lie to him -- it's a kind of lie of omission not to work with a spouse in advance on something as serious as altering the family income. Try to imagine his reaction to finding out that you've altered your schedule without discussion; you would be setting yourself up for vast resentment and anger. Yes you're resentful and angry already that he's saying no. But if you go ahead and do as you want solo, isn't this going to be something you hear about every single time a bill comes due, for years to come? I'm not saying you're wrong. I think you're right, if and only if financially it works for the whole family. But it's wrong that you and he both can't discuss it.

You and he do not communicate well at all if you can't communicate about this. Do more than just say "I want to go part time because I'm so busy with the kids and house." Get some facts and figures together in detail and have him do the same. Do it as a team. If you cannot research this and discuss this as partners, you and he have much larger issues. If he is just knee-jerk saying no and refusing to discuss, you also have larger issues. This is not a job problem -- this is a marriage problem.

Anonymous wrote:For one week, tally up the amount of time you both spend on kid/house stuff (don't tell him you're doing this, or he'll step it up temporarily and then slide back). Be honest.

If it's off-balance, tell him that you'll be cutting back on your work hours in proportion to how much extra work you do, unless he increases his load until it's equal and sustains it. Track everything so it's fair.

If he doesn't step it up after a couple weeks, cut back on your work hours. Don't ask permission. Don't let him know before you do it - you already told him what needed to happen and he failed.

Stop doing things like his laundry. Today. Anything he did for himself before you/kids he needs to continue doing for himself.

PP here. I want to add:

Start thinking and acting like a man. Men don't ask permission. They don't beg or plead. They don't say someone won't "let" them do it. They just do it and everyone else can deal.

Realizing this was a game-changer for me.

When my ex refused to let me move to PT, despite me doing 100% of the childcare and home stuff (including all of the typical guy stuff), it was because he was already thinking having and affair and didn't want to pay alimony when we inevitably divorced.