Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?

What exactly are you having a hard time dealing with?

I'm not trying to be smug. I grew up lower income, to immigrant parents who didn't speak any English. So, I do understand what it's like to go through hardships. But I'm trying to understand from your point of view what it is that you find difficult about life because I am trying to teach my children, who live a very comfortable middle/upper middle class life, that life is hard, and you need grit and determination.

I am trying to teach them to be fiscally responsible; cook; clean. I try not to be too much of a helicopter parent by letting them fail at certain things and let them suffer disappointment. I don't believe they should get a trophy for just participating.

I grew up differently from them, and I find it difficult to balance teaching them to be resilient while providing opportunity and material things. Short of letting them parent themselves, which is how I grew up, sometimes I don't know where to draw the line.

So, I'd be interested in an adult's perspective of what you think your parents could have done differently to teach you to be more resilient.

Honestly, I don't think this can be taught. You can teach independence by letting kids fend for themselves but resilience is like bravery - or a sense of adventure - you either have it or you don't.

Anonymous wrote:I feel unprepared just in a way that I can't fix things. I don't understand basic plumbing or heating or cars. And I do try...but if it's more complicated than a youtube video can teach me, I know that it's worse to fiddle with electricity or whatever than to just pay to get it fixed. But I wish I knew enough to teach my kids the basics so they can be prepared.

Well, in all honesty, this isn't the worst kind of 'unpreparedness'. You can hire a plumber or a mechanic, they are not that expensive.
I think OP's taking about bigger issues.

jsmith123 wrote:It all comes down to resilience. How do you trust yourself unless you've faced adversity and come out the other side?

I don't know how to instill that into kids though. I'm sure there's a parenting book on how to do it

Don't rescue your kids from hardships. Make them work for what they want (vs. what they need). Sympathize and help them think about problem-solving (don't solve their problems for them).

Book suggestions:

How to Raise an Adult:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Adult-Overparenting-Prepare/dp/1250093635

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee:

https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Skinned-Knee-Teachings-Self-Reliant/dp/1416593063/

I have a friend in her 50s who is not prepared for life. She was very spoiled as a child and was her mother's entire world. Her parents shielded her from hardship and didn't make her work for anything. She lived at home into adulthood, and when they passed away, she inherited their house as well as a family friend's house - she has never had to pay a mortgage, or sock away money for anything.

She is afraid of everything: Contractors, purchasing things on the Internet, dogs, strangers, technology. The list goes on.

When I speak with her, I am astonished at how helpless and childlike she is. It is not a good thing.

I feel unprepared just in a way that I can't fix things. I don't understand basic plumbing or heating or cars. And I do try...but if it's more complicated than a youtube video can teach me, I know that it's worse to fiddle with electricity or whatever than to just pay to get it fixed. But I wish I knew enough to teach my kids the basics so they can be prepared.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?

What exactly are you having a hard time dealing with?

I'm not trying to be smug. I grew up lower income, to immigrant parents who didn't speak any English. So, I do understand what it's like to go through hardships. But I'm trying to understand from your point of view what it is that you find difficult about life because I am trying to teach my children, who live a very comfortable middle/upper middle class life, that life is hard, and you need grit and determination.

I am trying to teach them to be fiscally responsible; cook; clean. I try not to be too much of a helicopter parent by letting them fail at certain things and let them suffer disappointment. I don't believe they should get a trophy for just participating.

I grew up differently from them, and I find it difficult to balance teaching them to be resilient while providing opportunity and material things. Short of letting them parent themselves, which is how I grew up, sometimes I don't know where to draw the line.

So, I'd be interested in an adult's perspective of what you think your parents could have done differently to teach you to be more resilient.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?

I feel like this when it comes to romantic relationships. My parents weren't good role models for marriage. I read a lot of romance novels. I had no idea how to actually do the work of a real relationship. I'm still learning but hearing others' stories and realizing my challenges are typical (and not necessarily a sign of the wrong partner or a need for divorce) has been helpful. I also appreciate reading research-based self-help types of books.

I struggle with this also. Can you share more about what has helped you in this regard? Beliefs you shed or adopted? Specific books that helped? Having to learn how to be married once you are already married can feel overwhelming at times.

DP.. wow... ditto. I've been married for 20 years, and I feel like only the last couple of years have I really started to shed my unrealistic expectations of my husband and marriage. I still love to read historical romance novels, though. They are my only vice.

For me, it was just time and maturity. I think I was really immature, even in my 30s. It wasn't until my mid/late 40s that I started to let go of such high expectations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?

I feel like this when it comes to romantic relationships. My parents weren't good role models for marriage. I read a lot of romance novels. I had no idea how to actually do the work of a real relationship. I'm still learning but hearing others' stories and realizing my challenges are typical (and not necessarily a sign of the wrong partner or a need for divorce) has been helpful. I also appreciate reading research-based self-help types of books.

I struggle with this also. Can you share more about what has helped you in this regard? Beliefs you shed or adopted? Specific books that helped? Having to learn how to be married once you are already married can feel overwhelming at times.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up very spoiled. As an adult I'm realizing what a disservice this was. I still hold onto a lot of unrealistic expectations and fantasies about life. It's hard for me to accept compromise and life's harsh realities. Anyone ever get through something like this?

I feel like this when it comes to romantic relationships. My parents weren't good role models for marriage. I read a lot of romance novels. I had no idea how to actually do the work of a real relationship. I'm still learning but hearing others' stories and realizing my challenges are typical (and not necessarily a sign of the wrong partner or a need for divorce) has been helpful. I also appreciate reading research-based self-help types of books.

Things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out. John Wooden was no dummy. Life is hard, unfair and relentless. It’s also filled with wonder, opportunity, and great experiences. And tons of great, terrible and everything in between people. Keep pressing.

Anonymous wrote:I identify with you, OP.

I was spoiled, even though my parents were not "rich." We did budget, we didn't always keep up with the Joneses, I grew up in a modest cape rather than a McMansion, but I was spoiled in that I never knew hardship growing up or even the need to hustle. Everything was easy and predictable. I thought life was just that - go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a job, and voila - middle class American lifestyle, home, family, two cars, white picket fence, yada yada.

BOY did reality smack me in the face. Financial crisis 2008, financial crisis 2020, student loan debt, stagnant salaries, ballooning health care costs. I just never grasped that I could be poor and financially struggling when I didn't do anything "wrong."

💯.

It all comes down to resilience. How do you trust yourself unless you've faced adversity and come out the other side?

I don't know how to instill that into kids though. I'm sure there's a parenting book on how to do it

Anonymous wrote:Life’s easier than it’s ever been for most! The naval gazing going on is shameless. White people’s problems!

To be fair, we all have excess time now to mull things over.

Life’s easier than it’s ever been for most! The naval gazing going on is shameless. White people’s problems!

*impact of a spouse

not impace of a slouse! LOL! Typing too fast without glasses, sorry!

“I encounter some other adults who've understood that truth for a long time, I'm always envious and wonder how they became so realistic so young.”

Wow. You are seriously lacking an empathy gene.