Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very good, they are genuinely nice, caring people.

My MIL is particularly great, she’s someone who I feel truly cares about my well being as a person and not just as the mother or vessel of her grandchildren.

They live local and often offer to help out, take the kids for a weekend so we can get away on our own, do pickups when we can’t, etc. etc.

I got exceptionally lucky!

PP who has gone gray rock. Intriguing! Please, tell us more. How long have you been married? Do you have much in common with your MIL? Does your mom live locally? Does MIL have a daughter? Did MIL have a MIL/still has? Does MIL have any other DILs? Other GC? Does MIL have a career? Circle of friends?

I have my own theories about my MIL...

DP who also has a very very good relationship with in laws (although married just 7 years). It sounds like you just have an awful MIL, you're decades into that relationship and her relationship with her grandkids is now degrading. I doubt you can glean much from PP as there are bad eggs from every walk of life.

I don't have that much in common with my MIL other than a love of cooking. Neither my mom or my MIL live locally but I'd rather live close to MIL than my mom. MIL does not have a daughter and does still have a MIL. She has two other DIL, no terrible relationships but I think is closest with me. She doesn't have a career, was a lifetime SAHM but has many varied interests and a good friend group and is involved in her community.

Anonymous wrote:Very good, they are genuinely nice, caring people.

My MIL is particularly great, she’s someone who I feel truly cares about my well being as a person and not just as the mother or vessel of her grandchildren.

They live local and often offer to help out, take the kids for a weekend so we can get away on our own, do pickups when we can’t, etc. etc.

I got exceptionally lucky!

PP who has gone gray rock. Intriguing! Please, tell us more. How long have you been married? Do you have much in common with your MIL? Does your mom live locally? Does MIL have a daughter? Did MIL have a MIL/still has? Does MIL have any other DILs? Other GC? Does MIL have a career? Circle of friends?

I have my own theories about my MIL...

Very good, they are genuinely nice, caring people.

My MIL is particularly great, she’s someone who I feel truly cares about my well being as a person and not just as the mother or vessel of her grandchildren.

They live local and often offer to help out, take the kids for a weekend so we can get away on our own, do pickups when we can’t, etc. etc.

I got exceptionally lucky!

We all like each other a lot and have a very good relationship but recently politics has really strained things with all their kids. Hoping that when the current climate calms that will go away and we can move past it.

Do you get along with them?
Yes, I get out of my comfort zone to make it work though.

Do they like you?
Yes

How is your MIL?
Super needy. Will not budget and has no control over her spending. We've bought her a house, have a rental income go directly to her and she will still ask for money because "ooops she overspent." I've been postponing vacations, renovations and personal spending to save and she will spend, spend and spend without a moment's thought. Like super unnecessary things too. She took 4 plane trips to go to the beach this summer. During the pandemic!!! 4 vacations! That we paid for. Argggghhhhh

MIL and I like each other. We have a pleasant time when we're together. But there's a lot about her that I don't get. On the plus side, she doesn't meddle and isn't manipulative. I find her husband (SFIL) a bit annoying, although he's relatively harmless. A bit dim-witted. But essentially harmless. FIL died long before I met DH, but I don't think I would have liked him. He was an alcoholic who was verbally/emotionally abusive. It was only a few years ago that DH acknowledged FIL had been abusive to him and not just MIL.

FIL is an alcoholic and physically unstable. Used to scare the crap out of me when he would pick up my children and hold them near an open flight of steps. Thank goodness my kids are older now.

MIL is bored? Nosy? She’s only visited us twice. The first time, I came home from work and discovered she can gone through some of our files. The second time she visited my son was scheduled for surgery and last minute we heard she was coming into town. She had been at my BIL’s (several hours away) “helping” taking care of their newborn. She came for a week and other than cooking one meal and cleaning out the toaster (which she reminded me 3x that she did it) she did absolutely nothing. In fact, my husband ended up having to take the full week off work to take her sightseeing.

She ended up gossiping about the BIL and his wife. She also told us how much money each of my husband’s siblings & spouses made. She kept pumping my husband about his salary. He wouldn’t share. She doesn’t get how higher salaries are necessary to have a middle class lifestyle in NYC and DC.

Later we found out MIL told the BIL with the newborn that my husband and I begged her to come down to help with our son that had surgery. She used us as the excuse to leave.

Anonymous wrote:Married 25 years. My ILs are local. MIL a boundary pusher, a flake and narcissistic, a toxic combination. Currently, adult DD is not speaking to MIL and I'm unsure if this relationship will ever be the same. My MIL said some very hurtful things to DD in a flippant manner, then refused to apologize. It was the last straw for DD.

The above situation with my DD describes my relationship with MIL; I've had to put up with rude asides, passive aggressive but biting comments and mean-spirited jabs. Never any apologies but expected to take the comments and move on...DH would always claim "that's the way she is..."

Early on, and smarter than MIL, I went gray rock. Absolutely no initiation on my part to make phone calls, visit w/o DH, no vacations w/ ILs, limited interactions. MIL has long forgotten exactly why I've disengaged and so her narrative to my DC is "your mom doesn't like me and I don't know why."

This is my relationship wit my MIL. she’s not local, but stays with us a few times each year. I spend the bulk of these visits out of the house...

We get along. I do not like them. It helps that they live overseas and I only see them once a year for a few weeks. I dread those weeks - they stay with us.

My mother in law is pretty much an exact opposite of me; I am still amazed my husband picked me as his wife given his upbringing.

Married 25 years. My ILs are local. MIL a boundary pusher, a flake and narcissistic, a toxic combination. Currently, adult DD is not speaking to MIL and I'm unsure if this relationship will ever be the same. My MIL said some very hurtful things to DD in a flippant manner, then refused to apologize. It was the last straw for DD.

The above situation with my DD describes my relationship with MIL; I've had to put up with rude asides, passive aggressive but biting comments and mean-spirited jabs. Never any apologies but expected to take the comments and move on...DH would always claim "that's the way she is..."

Early on, and smarter than MIL, I went gray rock. Absolutely no initiation on my part to make phone calls, visit w/o DH, no vacations w/ ILs, limited interactions. MIL has long forgotten exactly why I've disengaged and so her narrative to my DC is "your mom doesn't like me and I don't know why."

Anonymous wrote:Do you get along with them?

Do they like you?

How is your MIL?

Polar opposite from first marriage, but it helps that DH has 7 siblings while XH had 3. Also that current MIL lives in the Gulf Coast while XMIL lived 20 min from us here in the DMV. I am also from a very similar socioeconomic and cultural background as MIL. I understand her even when she is puzzled by me. I probably misinterpreted those actions of XMIL that were actually her culture’s love language.

We get along. We see each other in person rarely.

Anonymous wrote:Do you get along with them?

Do they like you?

How is your MIL?

FIL has good but distant relationship with DH and also with me (DIL). We see him once a year. His family thinks I am great and I get along well with them, too.

MIL doesn't like me but I get along well with her relatives too- second husband, BIL, BIL's wife, and DH's half-sister that she had with second husband. I am as kind as I can be but she really doesn't want a relationship with me or the kids so I don't force it.

They are great. My MIL is very warm to me and is very non judgmental. My FIL is quiet but warm as well plus he is incredibly generous. My husbands siblings and their spouses are also wonderful and our kids love their cousins as we all live within an easy drive. I feel very lucky.

Both are horrible. My husband doesn't help at all so I've gotten to the point where I have no expectations.

I've had a hard time with my parents. Mom has been very sick. Dad now too. Mom on hospice. ILs found out from my DH (they call him every few weeks). No response, no email, no reach out to me. I'm okay with it now and don't expect anything, but I'm disappointed. It is what it is. I feel sorry for my DD whom they have no real relationship with. I got off Facebook with them when DD noticed on that she wasn't mentioned at all and they worship other granddaughter.
It's a weird family dynamic on my husbands side and he denies it to deal with the pain, etc... I guess that is the story. Or he just doesn't really care.

So I am glad they aren't visiting now. I'm glad we aren't visiting them. I'm grateful for the space. The pandemic has me reevaluating all my relationships and connections. They aren't an important one to me and my DD.

I have had a lot of bumps in my relationship with MIL (FIL died long before I came along). We are generally cordial, but we are not close. She’s very controlling and interferes under the guise of “helping”. She has been very judgmental about decisions we have made that are none of her business (sending our child to daycare, where we bought a house, personal medical decisions, etc.). We get along just fine when she stays in her lane and there is distance...she is a nice person and we have common interests. She just hasn’t caught on yet after nearly 15 years that I will never let it slide when she tries to interfere on important things...so every time she plays the victim and acts like I’m a monster when her input is declined. Thankfully my husband is on the same page and goes to bat for me.