OP, you are doing more than my DH but less than others. Agree with PPs that a lot of what you've cited are occasional, transient chores that don't fit into the daily grind as much, and don't comprise what really overburdens many moms: the mental aspect of planning and keeping track of everything.

Does your wife want to work, or want to continue to stay home? Perhaps she would be happier if she got at least a part-time job and you could outsource housekeeping every couple weeks. When you suggest a cleaner come in, she is probably taking it as a criticism of the way she runs the house even if you don't intend it that way. That reaction may be because of resentment that has built up. If she had something else to put adult energy toward, like a WOH job of her own, maybe she would feel more balanced and would find a housekeeper a more reasonable suggestion.

Have you also considered outsourcing some of the things you do instead, like yardwork? Then you might be able to put that time toward something else around the house that is routine but doesn't interfere with your work.


To make you feel better, I work 80% time, have an hour commute each way (pre-covid), and while DH outearns me by a fair amount he basically works a flexible job for himself at home, and does very little.
Feeds the dogs every AM
Unloads the dishwasher every AM
Puts the kids to bed ~3x per week (doesn't feed them or get them ready for bed unless he has to because I am literally out of the house)
(note: kids are 8 and 6 and these three things have only been happening since about April)

Knows when and how much to pay the lawn guys (pays them 1-2 mos advance and asks me to write the checks!)
Manages the bills
Takes the trash out maybe once every 2 weeks?
Makes his own meals because he has been on a nutrition/fitness kick for a year
Manages his own medical/dental/etc appointments (a few per year?)
Takes care of his own car maintenance

That's it.

Also I just thought of how, when I am at home and overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to do for the house and dogs and kids, I feel MUCH more resentful of my DH when he's also physically at home, even if I know he's working. It's a reaction I can't help after all these years. It's as if having him there while I'm struggling makes it the imbalance that much more stark to me. And that could be going on with your DW as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear wives. If you don't want the labor of tidying up after kids then don't have kids. Why always push for kids and then complain about not getting enough help taking care of the thing you wanted.

Hilarious. My husband wanted our first two and is begging for a third.

+1 my husband wanted a third kid and pushed and I finally put my foot down citing the absurd amount of work I do alone for the two we already have.

So clean it, wth is wrong with you? There's no point complaining to her about it, when you can clean it yourself and have the time to clean it.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't even read your post but the title is offensive in itself "help" around the house?

100% this!

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that you had the nerve to complain or even be rude about the kids’ dirty bathroom. A bathroom, especially a kids’ bathroom, doesn’t stay clean for very long. I clean (wipe surfaces, clean toilet, tidy and put things away, clean floor) our bathrooms on an almost daily basis bc that’s how often it’s needed. So not only were you wrong to say anything about it, but she probably felt like you don’t notice or appreciate how often she does clean and tidy it. It’s possible she had just cleaned it earlier that same day and then you come along and complain about it being a mess a few hours later. That’s pretty inconsiderate and shows that you likely don’t notice or appreciate many other things she does around the house either.

Next time, do it yourself and then tell her how much you appreciate all that she does around the house bc it’s a lot of work.

+1.
And I bet she feels like if you have the mental availability to notice and comment on a dirty kids bathroom, you probably are not busy enough!

The issue is that you had the nerve to complain or even be rude about the kids’ dirty bathroom. A bathroom, especially a kids’ bathroom, doesn’t stay clean for very long. I clean (wipe surfaces, clean toilet, tidy and put things away, clean floor) our bathrooms on an almost daily basis bc that’s how often it’s needed. So not only were you wrong to say anything about it, but she probably felt like you don’t notice or appreciate how often she does clean and tidy it. It’s possible she had just cleaned it earlier that same day and then you come along and complain about it being a mess a few hours later. That’s pretty inconsiderate and shows that you likely don’t notice or appreciate many other things she does around the house either.

Next time, do it yourself and then tell her how much you appreciate all that she does around the house bc it’s a lot of work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

Did all overnight bottles and diapers
Does more poop diapers than me (I have a stronger sense of smell and feel ill)
Manages the laundry
Cooks half of the dinners
Does 100% of the dishes

We make close to the same money. I do more than him for the kids but it’s close. If I were your wife I would have divorced you by now. A husband who acts like a nightmare roommate is not one who would remain my husband.

Good God. Sounds like your DH does everything. What do YOU do exactly?

DP but did you see where she said he does half the dinners? That probably means she does the other half. Plus she said she does more with the kids. And there are many aspects of running a household that she left off her list: grocery shopping, meal planning, paying bills, attending to home and car maintenance, scheduling and taking kids to appointments, lawn care, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc etc. I’d be willing to bet—because it’s usually the case—that the wife does more of all that than the husband.

True. I bet he does that too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

Did all overnight bottles and diapers
Does more poop diapers than me (I have a stronger sense of smell and feel ill)
Manages the laundry
Cooks half of the dinners
Does 100% of the dishes

We make close to the same money. I do more than him for the kids but it’s close. If I were your wife I would have divorced you by now. A husband who acts like a nightmare roommate is not one who would remain my husband.

Good God. Sounds like your DH does everything. What do YOU do exactly?

DP but did you see where she said he does half the dinners? That probably means she does the other half. Plus she said she does more with the kids. And there are many aspects of running a household that she left off her list: grocery shopping, meal planning, paying bills, attending to home and car maintenance, scheduling and taking kids to appointments, lawn care, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc etc. I’d be willing to bet—because it’s usually the case—that the wife does more of all that than the husband.

Dude, I am in your situation, meaning I work, make good money, wife is SAHM. She does the vast majority of the cleaning but I help with cleaning up after meals, dishes, will do laundry if she doesn't beat me to it, and I handle occasional meals when she is burnt out. So realistically, housework is 85-15% her vs. me.

I would never, ever, ever, lament to her for a bathroom being dirty. I would clean it myself. You were wrong and need to apologize.

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

Did all overnight bottles and diapers
Does more poop diapers than me (I have a stronger sense of smell and feel ill)
Manages the laundry
Cooks half of the dinners
Does 100% of the dishes

We make close to the same money. I do more than him for the kids but it’s close. If I were your wife I would have divorced you by now. A husband who acts like a nightmare roommate is not one who would remain my husband.

Good God. Sounds like your DH does everything. What do YOU do exactly?

My husband does: things that need to be done as he notices them (if a dish is dirty he washes it or loads it in the dishwasher, if the laundry is piling he starts a load, if the kids are asking for a snack he gets it, etc.) but he doesn’t plan ahead like I have to do. That’s the mental load. I’m a SAHM so I get that is what I signed up for (knowing when kids need new clothes/shoes/school supplies, etc and ordering them, knowing when we’re almost out of toilet paper, scheduling and taking kids to appts, scheduling home maintenance) I also do all grocery shopping, meal planning/cooking/prep, most laundry and dishes, almost all general household cleaning and tidying. My husband does a good bit of childcare in his off hours bc he wants to be an involved parent. So a big part of why I do more of the household stuff is to give him more time w the kids.

My DH makes 350K, I am the SAHM of school aged neurotypical kids who are pretty self motivated. He does a lot at home - mainly all the cooking, dishes, cleaning kitchen and groceries. I do the yard work(because I like it), bill payments, medical appointments, social obligations, laundry and kid's school. I used to have a maid twice a week, but we are not letting anyone in our house anymore and this means that I am doing the weekly deep clean and he does the daily sweep of the kitchen and some vacuum when he wants to. We are no shoes, no pets, no smoking household.

What else? When schools were in-person, he made the morning breakfast, made kids lunches and drove them to school. Why? So that he got some time with them and I could sleep late. I love that he does that for me. In fact, he is off the hook for doing anything for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Easter for the family because what he does each day is just pretty amazing.

Finally, you can tell him anytime that you want a snack, even right before he is going to sleep and he will get or make something for you. He realized when we were dating that I get hangry and so do our kids. He just keeps all of us well fed.

My husband:

Did all overnight bottles and diapers
Does more poop diapers than me (I have a stronger sense of smell and feel ill)
Manages the laundry
Cooks half of the dinners
Does 100% of the dishes

We make close to the same money. I do more than him for the kids but it’s close. If I were your wife I would have divorced you by now. A husband who acts like a nightmare roommate is not one who would remain my husband.

Anonymous wrote:Dear wives. If you don't want the labor of tidying up after kids then don't have kids. Why always push for kids and then complain about not getting enough help taking care of the thing you wanted.

Hilarious. My husband wanted our first two and is begging for a third.

Dear wives. If you don't want the labor of tidying up after kids then don't have kids. Why always push for kids and then complain about not getting enough help taking care of the thing you wanted.