Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the more I committed I was to my parents the less they appreciated me. (And oddly, my mom distrusts me thought I’m the only family member who hasn’t betrayed her.) I had to move on from my family a long time ago. I’m not angry, just worn out.

The fact that your mom isn’t considering the financial needs of your SN child says a lot about her.

This is actually very common. They distrust you exactly because they’ve been betrayed before. They don’t appreciate you because they’re thinking your kindness is some type of long con. There’s nothing you can do. The more you try to help, the more they have to confront their own limitations—which they hate. It’s much easier to blame you. It’s much easier to insist they’re not asking for much, so why can’t you just pick up groceries for them? And their medications and tidy up around the house a little? And why are you whining so much? This generation is so entitled!

You can’t win.

OP here. I relate to this so much. You completely nailed it actually. Thank you for sharing this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the more I committed I was to my parents the less they appreciated me. (And oddly, my mom distrusts me thought I’m the only family member who hasn’t betrayed her.) I had to move on from my family a long time ago. I’m not angry, just worn out.

The fact that your mom isn’t considering the financial needs of your SN child says a lot about her.

This is actually very common. They distrust you exactly because they’ve been betrayed before. They don’t appreciate you because they’re thinking your kindness is some type of long con. There’s nothing you can do. The more you try to help, the more they have to confront their own limitations—which they hate. It’s much easier to blame you. It’s much easier to insist they’re not asking for much, so why can’t you just pick up groceries for them? And their medications and tidy up around the house a little? And why are you whining so much? This generation is so entitled!

You can’t win.

It’s interesting to hear another person’s take on this because i find it so confusing. What you said about confronting limitations sounds true. Once, my mom got exasperated and told me she was like a wild animal and just couldn’t trust anyone. That floored me. She raised me!

I'm sorry OP. This is a really shitty situation, but unfortunately not uncommon.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the more I committed I was to my parents the less they appreciated me. (And oddly, my mom distrusts me thought I’m the only family member who hasn’t betrayed her.) I had to move on from my family a long time ago. I’m not angry, just worn out.

The fact that your mom isn’t considering the financial needs of your SN child says a lot about her.

This is actually very common. They distrust you exactly because they’ve been betrayed before. They don’t appreciate you because they’re thinking your kindness is some type of long con. There’s nothing you can do. The more you try to help, the more they have to confront their own limitations—which they hate. It’s much easier to blame you. It’s much easier to insist they’re not asking for much, so why can’t you just pick up groceries for them? And their medications and tidy up around the house a little? And why are you whining so much? This generation is so entitled!

You can’t win.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Unless you're siblings can't be relied on it all to do the right thing by you please be sure that you are not also stuck with the job of executor on top of everything else that you've done.

I feel like the more I committed I was to my parents the less they appreciated me. (And oddly, my mom distrusts me thought I’m the only family member who hasn’t betrayed her.) I had to move on from my family a long time ago. I’m not angry, just worn out.

The fact that your mom isn’t considering the financial needs of your SN child says a lot about her.

Anonymous wrote:You're a good daughter and good person, OP. I know it sucks when what you did were not acknowledged by your parents. Just know you did your best and keep being who you are. This will rub off to your kids, and they will remember a kind and care parent.

OP here. Thank you. I am no saint, but I tried to do what i thought was right for years.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child doing all of the caregiving of both of my parents. They really don’t have the money for help, so it’s all on me. I do feel that sometimes they take advantage of me. For example, they now leave their dirty dishes lying around when they are able to put a plate or glass in the dishwasher. Things like that. And they never offer to help with a small task that I know that they can do, they just sit and watch me. It’s starting to get on my nerves some. I have had my own health issues and it’s been a tough few years. I keep trying to remember what all they did for me as a child and teenager. At times though, that’s not enough.

OP here. I am sorry you are dealing with that on top of health issues. Wishing you peace and health.

Anonymous wrote:Was this often the dynamic with you and your mom?

OP here. I don't know anymore. After years of things getting gradually worse my mind is so tainted I don't know if she has always been like this and I just convinced myself everything was fine and figured out how to manage a relationship with her or if she was a nicer person. I can't even look at old photos because her shrill voice guilt tripping me is all I hear.

I hate to bring in politics, but I think her endless defense of Trump makes me realize she has always valued money more than kindness and compassion and I just don't like her values at all. Trump could literally murder people with a gun (as opposed to possibly kill people with Covid) and she would still say "yeah, but he saved us taxes. You just wait if Biden gets into office. He will raise taxes right away." (By the way...it's not like she even earned the money. It was my dad. Anything she made in her much lower paying part time job she got to spend on herself.) I learned early on not to talk politics with her at all because it sets off rants, but before I could shift on the Trump issue I had to jump in and remind her of not just all he has done up until now, but the super spreader stuff going on now and literally all she cares about is her money. I guess in the past I thought it was more about the fact she grew up where money was sometimes an issue and a stressor, so even though I know my dad made a good living , I thought they were saving just to be sure they were set for retirement. I didn't know she was sitting on gobs of it.

The interesting thing is I have plenty of good memories of my dad even though he had some traits I didn't like. While I thought his expectations were unreasonable, he never took it to the level of nastiness and vitriol she did and he actually said thank you. That said I do worry that I am putting him a pedestal because he is no longer here, but again, I cannot think of even one time in my life he unleashed an abusive tirade on me.

I’m an only child doing all of the caregiving of both of my parents. They really don’t have the money for help, so it’s all on me. I do feel that sometimes they take advantage of me. For example, they now leave their dirty dishes lying around when they are able to put a plate or glass in the dishwasher. Things like that. And they never offer to help with a small task that I know that they can do, they just sit and watch me. It’s starting to get on my nerves some. I have had my own health issues and it’s been a tough few years. I keep trying to remember what all they did for me as a child and teenager. At times though, that’s not enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

OP here. Wow it's easy to be on your high horse if you either did caregiving for a kind parent or didn't do the caregiving and got to just enjoy pleasant interactions. I think if you have never been treated like crap by someone it's easy to judge. You really should be more respectful to the people who do the real work for their families and need to vent about how poorly they get treated in return.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I moved my father into my home and took care of him until he died. I managed hospice workers plus my own family. You mentioned siblings, but why are they not helping? Somehow I think your parents have always been takers and you imagined they would be different?

NP here. It’s extremely common for siblings to be unhelpful and put all the load on one sibling.

OP, I am one of four siblings who has done most of the care for my parents. My career definitely took a hit as a result. Luckily my parents are leaving me quite a bit, and have already gifted us a substantial amount. But my parents gifted all of the siblings the same amount. I am fine with that, but it’s not like my work translated into more money Than my siblings who’ve done very little. But since they gave me a substantial amount, the career sacrifice is less of a problem. We finally figured out how to hire good caregivers and my workload is lower now but I still do more.

So, I did not get as disadvantaged as you did. But a lot of the things you point out are very common in elderly caregiving. it It’s common for the sibling who is the main caregiver to be treated badly by their parents. It’s common for the parents to think more highly of the siblings who do less work. It is very common for women to be out at a disadvantage career wise because they take on caregiving duties for elderly family members. it is common for one sibling to do more work than others. It’s very unfair, but you are not alone.

You're a good daughter and good person, OP. I know it sucks when what you did were not acknowledged by your parents. Just know you did your best and keep being who you are. This will rub off to your kids, and they will remember a kind and care parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, most people help their parents willingly and lovingly. Sorry you feel so used. They are old OP, maybe they didn’t feel comfortable trusting strangers in their home.

OP here. Wow it's easy to be on your high horse if you either did caregiving for a kind parent or didn't do the caregiving and got to just enjoy pleasant interactions. I think if you have never been treated like crap by someone it's easy to judge. You really should be more respectful to the people who do the real work for their families and need to vent about how poorly they get treated in return.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I moved my father into my home and took care of him until he died. I managed hospice workers plus my own family. You mentioned siblings, but why are they not helping? Somehow I think your parents have always been takers and you imagined they would be different?

Selfish parents. Sorry. You got horrible parents.