First of all poster—- hang in there. I am a corporate exec who runs a 12 million customer base of about 2k customers and top performer in my company.
Yet my house seems to be fallIing apart. My 12 and 15 and 5 yr old fight all the time. I feel like I’m a failure as a parent. I’m strict- I do great at business- but at home my kids hate each other- they talk nasty- hit each other. I don’t know what to do - what to read- where to get help—not to hijack your question - but you’re not alone. My husband and I don’t have good marriage although no yelling at all. Why are my kids fighting all the time..????
Why does everyone talk so ugly? I assume they are learning from us but I don’t see that when I talk.
Anyhow poster- you aren’t alone and not sure there is a scientific explanation for why some homes have fighting and others don’t—- how do those crazy Duggar’s with 20 kids have such not confrontational non fighting kids—— my MIL was great parent and she always stayed calm. She would get down to their level and talk to them- she would take privileges away.

I try it all but nothing works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We put them on time out.

I don’t want to pile on, but your kids do not care about time outs. You need natural consequences that relate to what they did.

Time outs are for toddlers. I repeat what I said - you guys need a parenting class.

No, fine for older kids.

To be more specific - time outs as a consequence for bad behavior are for toddlers. Older kids need consequences, or they run around your house making messes with snack bars.

No, to be more specific, its fine for older kids as well if it works. However, in this situation, it doesn't work because of the parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We put them on time out.

I don’t want to pile on, but your kids do not care about time outs. You need natural consequences that relate to what they did.

Time outs are for toddlers. I repeat what I said - you guys need a parenting class.

No, fine for older kids.

To be more specific - time outs as a consequence for bad behavior are for toddlers. Older kids need consequences, or they run around your house making messes with snack bars.

Look into books by Allan Kazdin of the Yale Parenting Center. They have completely changed the tone of our home. I also recommend PEP parenting classes. * Hugs* I’m glad you’re getting help.

Anonymous wrote:Really hard to supervise directly when you have to work, too. I don't think a therapist is going to solve that problem. There are some really smug responses on this thread.

The issue is mainly evenings and weekends. The 4 year old is in daycare during the day. Where did OP say this was a problem while she was trying to work?

Mine are 6 and 9 and have some epic fights. Most of the time they’re fine and play together well, but it can escalate quickly. They’re both pretty dramatic too, so any little thing turns into tears and screaming. They don’t act this way with anyone else ever-it’s absolutely a sibling thing for them.

Separation, immediate consequences for hitting, and making sure they have enough to do (outside time, projects, etc) helps a lot. Age helps too-they’ll get better at conflict resolution and impulse control with age.

With regard to the messes-I’ve found that allowing a certain amount of creative mess curbs the uncontrolled mess. So-it’s ok to let them get out all the sheets and work together to build a fort in a bedroom and move all their stuffies and pillows into it. I’ll let it stay up for a day or two, they may even sleep in it, and then they clean everything up. But they need to ask, and there has to be a point to it (their point doesn’t have to make sense to an adult). Making a mess just to make a mess is not ok and has consequences.

My kids still fight at 10 and 12. But there is No way I would allow them to empty the linen closet and throw golf balls in the house. No way. It’s clear that the consequences you use aren’t working right now.

Time out just means they have time to themselves. If they made messes like that I would make them clean it all up, and then add a chore because I spent time monitoring their clean up. Yes even 4 year olds can sweep (maybe not well yet, but they’ll get the message). I would also take away screens if that’s what’s making them crazy. What do they eat? Is it sugary cereals for breakfast and Mac and cheese for lunch? Some kids are fine on this, but others (like my kids) need more protein and less starch to help regulate blood sugar and behavior

Remember, this too shall pass. My kids were that way as well, it stopped around 9 and 11, maybe 10 and 12?

Really hard to supervise directly when you have to work, too. I don't think a therapist is going to solve that problem. There are some really smug responses on this thread.

Hey mom, first off hugs.

Transforming our homes begins with us, the adults.

The painful truth is that the children will continue to respond to each other, you, and your husband, and the routines of the home until the routines, you, and your husband shift.

Parenting classes and therapy are helpful; they are not going to be solutions to the overall disorder without addressing the routines of the home.

Questions to ask:

1. Is the house generally organized and clean?
2. Does each kid have dedicated mommy/daddy time in the morning and afternoon everyday?
3. Is their play time structured and supervised directly (no cell phone/laptop multitasking) and full attention is being paid to them?
4. Do you rarely yell at them or your spouse?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, I’d say head straight to parenting classes and you tube to refine your deputies and enhance your practices. If you answered no to more than two of these questions , I’d head to a good family therapist first.

The more healthy (and heavy) food I feed my kids, the less they fight and open cupboards. They can finish dinner in front of the TV if that's what it takes to have a good morning.