Anonymous wrote:My mom and I are super close. I think it comes down to when I was a kid she wasn't my friend. She never tried to be. She was a strict, no nonsense, academics are most important thing kind of mom and also struck the fear of her in me. I think so many parents try to be their kid's friend. Kids need parents not more friends.

And even though she worked a full and part time job when she came home she always had time to hear my ridiculous stories about school. Which teacher was just plain mean, who is no longer speaking, the latest gossip etc. She always made time for me, always listened and always supported me. She mostly listened sometime gave advice and laughed a lot.

I think that's why we are so close now. And she taught me the most important life lesson I carry even to this day, when dining out don't finish all your dinner cause if you do you won't have room for dessert.

I got stuck with the BFF-wannabe(now estranged), and agree. The thing about pseudo-parents who want to be friends is that they don’t feel particularly responsible for you. They think that to keep you alive and at school is already sooooo much... I’m glad you have a better one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No “like mother like daughter” crap. Your daughter is her own person with her own interests and passions. She is not a reflection of you.

Honor her relationships (you don’t have to love her friends, grandmother, nanny or teacher) but honor fully that she does love them.

Accept that she is her person first and your child second.

These three things gave me a wonderful relationship with my own mother and now my adult daughter.

DP. This is key in my opinion.

My mother has 3 daughters, and we are very different from each other. My mother never once compared us to each other. We were three separate individuals, and we are very different from her as well.
She was far from perfect but you could see that she tried very hard(she still makes adjustments to this day and we are all in our mid -lae 30s) to meet us where we are, based on our personalities, strengths and weaknesses.

I have two completely different girls, and my aim is to take them as they are. One is very sensitive, and the other very stubborn. I hope to never compare them to each other, and to love them and empathize with them just the way they are while instilling good values in them.

This is wonderful!

I love my mom and we talk weekly. We used to talk daily but since turning 65 aorsso he has changed her personality into a bitter borderline narcissist. I mourn the amazing mom and friend i had growing up and I am grateful for her. I'm trying to help her now but it's tough as it's almost like she's a different person and she can be very hurtful.

I don't know if it's early dementia or just a lifetime of unresolved mental health issues causing her to act out now that she is advancing in age, but hope I don't become this type of person in old age.

Anonymous wrote:No “like mother like daughter” crap. Your daughter is her own person with her own interests and passions. She is not a reflection of you.

Honor her relationships (you don’t have to love her friends, grandmother, nanny or teacher) but honor fully that she does love them.

Accept that she is her person first and your child second.

These three things gave me a wonderful relationship with my own mother and now my adult daughter.

DP. This is key in my opinion.

My mother has 3 daughters, and we are very different from each other. My mother never once compared us to each other. We were three separate individuals, and we are very different from her as well.
She was far from perfect but you could see that she tried very hard(she still makes adjustments to this day and we are all in our mid -lae 30s) to meet us where we are, based on our personalities, strengths and weaknesses.

I have two completely different girls, and my aim is to take them as they are. One is very sensitive, and the other very stubborn. I hope to never compare them to each other, and to love them and empathize with them just the way they are while instilling good values in them.

You might find it helpful to take a parenting class when she is a little older, just to reassure yourself. The main thing is to be safe and present, and listen. Just listen. Set routines and expectations when she is young, and be consistent. Practice saying supportive things when she is older, and use them before reacting or trying to fix things. Be her cheerleader always. I had a very difficult time with my mom growing up, but my daughter and I did not replicate that at all. My daughter knows that I am in her corner always and forever, and I told her that all the time. She's a young adult now, and rolls her eyes at me when I tell her how much I love her and how proud I am (I don't do it constantly), but I know she feels it inside. Oddly, my mother has a great relationship with my daughter and I think she knows that she made a lot of mistakes with me and my sisters, and really is great with my daughter. She also knows she would never see my daughter if she was abusive in any way, but truly, I think she knows very well how wrong she was.

My mom and I are super close. I think it comes down to when I was a kid she wasn't my friend. She never tried to be. She was a strict, no nonsense, academics are most important thing kind of mom and also struck the fear of her in me. I think so many parents try to be their kid's friend. Kids need parents not more friends.

And even though she worked a full and part time job when she came home she always had time to hear my ridiculous stories about school. Which teacher was just plain mean, who is no longer speaking, the latest gossip etc. She always made time for me, always listened and always supported me. She mostly listened sometime gave advice and laughed a lot.

I think that's why we are so close now. And she taught me the most important life lesson I carry even to this day, when dining out don't finish all your dinner cause if you do you won't have room for dessert.

I try to listen, be positive and praise them for their good qualities.

I adore my mom but she is an endless source of criticism. We would be best friends if not for that.

Yes, I've told her. She says she's trying to help and I need to toughen up.

My mom and I are best friends and I hope to have the same relationship with my daughter. It starts with wanting to spending time with them and being apart of their lives...play with them, cook with them, read them and support them. My mom and I would watch 90210 together and go on walks every night for a couple miles (stop 1/2 way and get a drink) and just talk about my day, her day, my friends, her friends, etc. Don't just talk at them, talk with them and don't try and relive your life through them. Trust them, encourage them, and engage them and model your behavior on what you want theirs to be. You may not be close to your mom but is there someone older you are close too? Let you daughter see that relationship, see you laughing, playing, dancing, being silly and watching them.

I would highly recommend taking a course in "Active Listening" it is a skill that must be learned, developed, and maintained, but it is so worthwhile.

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/active-listening.html

Active listening is a skill that can be acquired and developed with practice. However, active listening can be difficult to master and will, therefore, take time and patience to develop.

'Active listening' means, as its name suggests, actively listening. That is fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively ‘hearing’ the message of the speaker.

Active listening involves listening with all senses. As well as giving full attention to the speaker, it is important that the ‘active listener’ is also ‘seen’ to be listening - otherwise the speaker may conclude that what they are talking about is uninteresting to the listener.

Interest can be conveyed to the speaker by using both verbal and non-verbal messages such as maintaining eye contact, nodding your head and smiling, agreeing by saying ‘Yes’ or simply ‘Mmm hmm’ to encourage them to continue. By providing this 'feedback' the person speaking will usually feel more at ease and therefore communicate more easily, openly and honestly.

Anonymous wrote:No “like mother like daughter” crap. Your daughter is her own person with her own interests and passions. She is not a reflection of you.

Honor her relationships (you don’t have to love her friends, grandmother, nanny or teacher) but honor fully that she does love them.

Accept that she is her person first and your child second.

These three things gave me a wonderful relationship with my own mother and now my adult daughter.

+1. Yes! This is what my mom was like! We are still very close.

My mom was extremely strict throughout my childhood. I had to dress modestly, be well behaved and respectful, always be chaperoned and be home at a set time. Obviously, no hint of boyfriends, crushes, male friends was even allowed. She was also strict about which girls I could hang out with. So, in many ways I was very sheltered.

On the other hand, my mom never made me do housework, never taught me to cook, and did not want anything more from me but for me to study and have a career.

When I wanted to get married to my now DH, she was devastated that I was leaving a very prestigious career path to follow him to another country.

She helped me a lot after my childbirth and looked after my kids and my home so that I could go into another career. She is my rock even though she lives in another country. I video call her every day and she knows exactly what is going on in my life. She is a remarkable woman and all my siblings are in awe of her because she is the most balanced, organized, strong, intelligent and compassionate person. My DH is her biggest fan and he treats her with the utmost respect and love.

I have a similar relationship with my DD. My DD is a very logical person and if I give her any advice as a mom, I cannot state it as my wish and command. I have to really explain it to her and give her logical reasons. I like that she is this way and does not follow anyone blindly.

I am not as strict as my mom for social drinking or having male friends etc with my daughter, but I have taught her to be careful and not put herself in bad situations. She is a sensible person and always makes good decisions. She is also a very loving sister and daughter. I have lucked out in life as far as loving and supportive parents, siblings, husband and kids are concerned. My mom and my daughter are my closest confidantes and I am of them. My mom and my daughter also have a very close relationship.

In this world, many may see me as an average person, living an average life, but I feel like a 1%er where having a happy and functional family is concerned. I am blessed.

No “like mother like daughter” crap. Your daughter is her own person with her own interests and passions. She is not a reflection of you.

Honor her relationships (you don’t have to love her friends, grandmother, nanny or teacher) but honor fully that she does love them.

Accept that she is her person first and your child second.

These three things gave me a wonderful relationship with my own mother and now my adult daughter.

Meet her where she is wherever she is and remember she is not a small version of you. Celebrate the things about her that matter to her. Don't criticize or judge, the world will do that for you.