Anonymous wrote:Because that's not all there is to the story. In addition to lack of time, added stress, and added responsibility, the decline in a woman's sexual interest in her husband ALSO happens because of things like boredom, age, and hormonal shifts.

Some of the things that cause the lack of sexual interest are entirely outside of the guy's control. And even if the husband does what he can to improve all of the factors he can control and even when the time required for child care lets up, the wife often remains uninterested. I think that if we were more forthright about the fact that a spouse (usually but not always the wife) can experience declining sexual interest through nobody's fault, there would be somewhat less consternation when the sex did decline.

As it is, we have this notion that if the husband does everything right and his wife loves him, she'll want to have sex with him. When the sex goes away, it can feel like she's either unfairly blaming him and/or doesn't love him. That's why a guy doesn't get nearly as resentful about lack of sex when his wife, for example, has a serious illness as he does when, for all he can see, she just doesn't care about him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience

You could have predicted things based on having actual conversations, planning ahead.

Did you read her post? When they were dating her boyfriend was fully supportive of her career. He encouraged her to work and lean in. That was the life they planned to have together. She was blindsided by him checking out on parenting and wanting a SAHM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so obvious, it comes across as annoying and whiny when people expect their sex lives to be like college.

When I was in college I had a completely carefree existence. I went to classes and spent time with my boyfriend and friends, end stop. The dining halls provided meals, laundry was minimal, and I had a tiny one room space to take care of. Of course I was up for sex daily or twice a day.

Anyone who expects anywhere near that frequency when they have a fulltime job, house and kids is an idiot.

And yet here we are literally every day with men just have NO clue why the woman they married isn't up for daily lunchtime romps when he demands it.

As a man I feel there is “bait and switch.”

Anonymous wrote:

When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience

You could have predicted things based on having actual conversations, planning ahead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to prioritize. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

Stop with the blame-casting!

For one, even today everything in our culture teaches women that there is one magic person they will fall in love with and that is who they should marry.

Nobody advises a woman to take very deliberate efforts to see how BF is when it comes to chores. And what they do and profess yo want in the days leading up to marriage is often far different from how they behave after. When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so obvious, it comes across as annoying and whiny when people expect their sex lives to be like college.

When I was in college I had a completely carefree existence. I went to classes and spent time with my boyfriend and friends, end stop. The dining halls provided meals, laundry was minimal, and I had a tiny one room space to take care of. Of course I was up for sex daily or twice a day.

Anyone who expects anywhere near that frequency when they have a fulltime job, house and kids is an idiot.

And yet here we are literally every day with men just have NO clue why the woman they married isn't up for daily lunchtime romps when he demands it.

When we were dating BF was all about me having a career. As soon as baby #1 was botn, he started asking if I wanted to SAH (uh, no, I told you that already) and refused to do any parenting. I couldn’t have predicted that based on past experience

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

LOL good one. Talk to your wife and I bet she feels differently.

Sounds like you married a man child. Besides, the biggest issue on DCUM is DHs that do their fair share (far more than your DH does) in the house - cook, clean, laundry, child rear, etc. and have DWs that don't appreciate it and the sex life is non-existent. I'm one and tehre are many. We all eat well, stay in shape, are primary cooks, spend lots of time with the kids, work, etc. and yet DWs aren't terribly interested in sex.

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to priortizze. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can only speak about your specific husband. It's aslo about what you choose to prioritize. My husband is an equal partner in terms of caring for the kids and house, and he understands just as well as I do that sometimes plans for a romantic evening get interupted or put on hold. That said if a choice to use energy for sex or laundry we 9/10 prioritze the sex.

For some, the reality that they didn't choose a husband very wisely is harsh. So they fall back on the belief that all men are like their husbands. It's sad, but true.