Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 16:56     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Kids really, really need structure and boundaries and rules. When they don't have those they have anxiety because they have too much responsibility. I have an anxiety disorder and I realize now it's because my parents were incredibly lazy and never enforced any rules.

Lots of people have anxiety even when given structure and boundaries when children. Lots of people don’t have anxiety even without a ton of structure and boundaries. You probably did get your anxiety from your parents, but more likely through a genetic predisposition.


PP- not really. My anxiety specifically manifests as a need to control things in my life because growing up my life was so chaotic. The rules constantly changed, I was punished one day for regular kid stuff and the next day it was no big deal because they didn't want to enforce it. My parents would get into massive fights in front of me, say they were getting divorced and then never address it again. They complained about the other spouse to me constantly. Any expression of emotion on my part was ridiculed as being "too sensitive". As an adult I have to constantly fight the urge to try and control everything around me because that's the only way I feel safe, if I'm able to know exactly what's coming and when.

Kids need to feel like their parents are the ones in control, too much responsibility for their emotions and actions at a young age makes them anxious because the world is a big and scary place and they're not ready to take that on on their own. I have spent years and thousands in therapy on this, believe me.


PP, I think you're right about this. We see families with very permissive parents and the kids are struggling mightily with severe mental illness issues. They don't discipline or maintain any real order in their household and it's the kids who pay the price. Same with their pets too - their house smells horrifying because they allow the animals to urinate & deficate everywhere with no one cleaning up. It's a chaotic way to grow up and I feel badly for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 16:54     Subject: Re:What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom to one child and my mom was a single mom to two kids. I have realized how much of a badass she was back in a time when people still shunned women who were divorced. My brother and I weren't allowed to go to Sunday school at our church because my mom was divorced. This was back in the early 80s. Back then, it wasn't a thing to have child support taken out of parent's paychecks so she basically had to beg my dad for the money he owed. She said she had had enough so she went to my dad's father and told him that my dad wasn't paying child support even though he could clearly afford it (he was an accountant). So I learned that you will do anything for your kids, even though it might be embarrassing or something you thought you would never do.


+1 to the bolded. My single mom was, is and will always be the G.O.A.T.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 16:47     Subject: Re:What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:I learned that my parents were bad at communicating with me and my siblings as kids. They didn’t talk to us about what was going on in our lives very much at all, didn’t ask us about school, didn’t help us research colleges or figure out what we wanted to do after high school, never talked to us about relationships or had “the talk” about changing bodies/puberty/periods/sex. They just expected us to figure things out for ourselves and gave basically no advice or guidance. I really never contemplated this before. In fact I think when I was a teenager, I was grateful they were so distant bc I didn’t have to have uncomfortable conversations with them but now that I’m a parent, I think their reluctance to talk to us about these things or offer advice was a big mistake and made my young adult life a lot more difficult to navigate than it would have been if I had parents who guided me more. I’m trying to not go too far to the other extreme with my kids (I don’t want to be overbearing or intrusive) but I do want them to feel that they have been adequately supported and counseled through their childhood, particularly the middle-high school and college years.


My parents were all of this and more- never spoke to us or each other, self-centered, no life lessons or conversations ever, never signed us up for any sports or music, never went in real vacations or trips. And later we basically ignored my father in our teens since when he would talk it’d be nonsense.
One of my brothers never launched, the other was diagnosed with high functioning autism after having kids. It was eye opening and exactly what we suspect both of our parents have. Definitely dad but after 40 years of living with him, now it seems mom as well. Not an excuse as we all suffered and continue to, but now I’m scared for my kids to inherit it.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 15:15     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.


You are writing this from a place of privilege if you don't understand that many, many people did in fact have abusive or neglectful parents.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 14:42     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.


I agree that people should not be too judgmental and realize that most parents really did do their best in raising them, despite obviously making mistakes. Still, it’s not wrong to acknowledge and identify things your parents did wrong and try to improve your parenting as a result of that. That’s what this thread is about, I think: not blaming parents (except the abusive, negligent ones of course) but about realizing ways to be a better parent than your parents were...if your parents truly were good parents, then they would hope and wish for their adult kids to turn into better parents than the previous generation.


I am the OP and yes, you nailed it.

I think even after you realize that your parents may have made damaging mistakes as parents, you can’t just live in your resentment or blame them for everything in your life. You certainly can’t blame them for your own mistakes as a parent, even if they modeled awful parenting for you. When you have kids, you take on that burden. It’s up to you to break a pattern of neglect or abuse.

I have found this thread really helpful because I can see I am not the only one dealing with this— it’s clearly very common. I think it’s really healthy for people to talk about this stuff and acknowledge the challenges.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 14:31     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.


I agree that people should not be too judgmental and realize that most parents really did do their best in raising them, despite obviously making mistakes. Still, it’s not wrong to acknowledge and identify things your parents did wrong and try to improve your parenting as a result of that. That’s what this thread is about, I think: not blaming parents (except the abusive, negligent ones of course) but about realizing ways to be a better parent than your parents were...if your parents truly were good parents, then they would hope and wish for their adult kids to turn into better parents than the previous generation.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 14:21     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.


What were your parents like?
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 14:10     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:Like others on this thread, I didn’t realize how crappy my parents were until I had kids of my own.


Yes! I mean, yes I was fed, clothed, housed, but rarely guided. Just yelled at for making the wrong (in their opinion) choice, or statement. They wonder why I never talked to them. Also I got hurt a lot, was lost frequently, left at home alone when they went out at night, in a house on a lonely road in the woods. My mom said she found a stick under my bed, which I told her was to hit someone who broke in. They didn’t leave me alone after that. I was an only child and hated it. I don’t know why my mom couldn’t keep an eye on me when I was a toddler to school age kid. One child!🤷‍♀️
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 14:03     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
How much my parents love me. You can’t know that kind of love exists until you have your own kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 13:59     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?

These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 13:57     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
I realized how abnormal, abusive, and dysfunctional my family was. The things my parents said and did to each other and to my sister and me, I could never fathom doing or saying in my children’s presence. Our parents basically taught us that things like kindness and charity were signs of weakness, and it’s kill or be killed. So I had to really reflect on my values, what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of people I wanted to shape. Then I had to completely redefine concepts like how to be a good person so I could do that. I’m not special, just fortunate, that I was able to break the cycle of abuse, and I also learned how hard that can be. I’m much less judgmental now, because when you’re in that situation, you’re not seeing things clearly. I still feel like I’m faking being a good person, because I have to pause and think about what a kind, compassionate person would do in many situations. But my kids don’t have that problem. They’re teenagers and they have kindness, compassion, and empathy in their core.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 13:42     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Like others on this thread, I didn’t realize how crappy my parents were until I had kids of my own.

Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 13:30     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Kids really, really need structure and boundaries and rules. When they don't have those they have anxiety because they have too much responsibility. I have an anxiety disorder and I realize now it's because my parents were incredibly lazy and never enforced any rules.

Lots of people have anxiety even when given structure and boundaries when children. Lots of people don’t have anxiety even without a ton of structure and boundaries. You probably did get your anxiety from your parents, but more likely through a genetic predisposition.


PP- not really. My anxiety specifically manifests as a need to control things in my life because growing up my life was so chaotic. The rules constantly changed, I was punished one day for regular kid stuff and the next day it was no big deal because they didn't want to enforce it. My parents would get into massive fights in front of me, say they were getting divorced and then never address it again. They complained about the other spouse to me constantly. Any expression of emotion on my part was ridiculed as being "too sensitive". As an adult I have to constantly fight the urge to try and control everything around me because that's the only way I feel safe, if I'm able to know exactly what's coming and when.

Kids need to feel like their parents are the ones in control, too much responsibility for their emotions and actions at a young age makes them anxious because the world is a big and scary place and they're not ready to take that on on their own. I have spent years and thousands in therapy on this, believe me.
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 13:16     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
That not liking being at home made me love school and sports and made me want to achieve to get out of the house!
I always wanted a nice home I would enjoy. My kid has it, I think, but I also think it makes him too complacent!
Anonymous
Post 09/20/2020 11:24     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:Kids really, really need structure and boundaries and rules. When they don't have those they have anxiety because they have too much responsibility. I have an anxiety disorder and I realize now it's because my parents were incredibly lazy and never enforced any rules.

Lots of people have anxiety even when given structure and boundaries when children. Lots of people don’t have anxiety even without a ton of structure and boundaries. You probably did get your anxiety from your parents, but more likely through a genetic predisposition.