Anonymous wrote:Peer group. When they were young, I was somewhat of a tiger mom. I made sure that they excelled in school, were in the top reading groups, got into the gifted program, etc. once they started middle school, I significantly backed off. Now I check their grades online periodically and say something if I see a missing assignment, but I don’t do anything extra, but I don’t have to. Early on they started to view themselves as among the top performers in their school and made friends with similar kids. It’s now part of their identity, so it means something to them to be high achievers (at least academically).

Same. It’s spilled over to music and/or sports, depending on kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with kids and agree that often the “driven” personality trait is just the outward manifestation of anxiety. Perfectionism and fear of failure can be very motivating.

For a while. Then you grow up, wonder why you are stressed and anxious all the time, go to therapy, realize it's because you live in constant fear that if you are not perfect or make a mistake, you are not worthy of love. Then you have to work through that, and in the process it can become very hard to motivate. Overcoming perfectionism is paralyzing. It took me over a decade. I really wish I'd learned it when I was young and could have created better patterns and coping skills for myself. I really worry about all these high achieving teenagers I see, worried about their resumes and getting perfect grades in 10 APs while playing a varsity sport and two other activities and volunteer work. That might get them into a great college but it will backfire eventually.

How could your parents have parented you differently? What would have helped?

Anonymous wrote:Genetics

Genetics. I’m known for my work ethic, and going the extra mile and being a devoted and hard-working employee. This has been consistent from my temp jobs during high school and college, to my volunteer charity position to my current part time career.

I have 3DC and only one has my drive and follow-through. This is my youngest who is a high school freshman. This DC was just born motivated-moved through all developmental goals, did everything early and easily and has perfectionistic tendencies.

Anonymous wrote:I work with kids and agree that often the “driven” personality trait is just the outward manifestation of anxiety. Perfectionism and fear of failure can be very motivating.

For a while. Then you grow up, wonder why you are stressed and anxious all the time, go to therapy, realize it's because you live in constant fear that if you are not perfect or make a mistake, you are not worthy of love. Then you have to work through that, and in the process it can become very hard to motivate. Overcoming perfectionism is paralyzing. It took me over a decade. I really wish I'd learned it when I was young and could have created better patterns and coping skills for myself. I really worry about all these high achieving teenagers I see, worried about their resumes and getting perfect grades in 10 APs while playing a varsity sport and two other activities and volunteer work. That might get them into a great college but it will backfire eventually.

Anonymous wrote:Most are people pleasers by nature. Some of that is innate. Some of it is nurtured.

Being a people pleaser is not a good thing. Learn to live for yourself, not for others.

Kids, like adults, are highly motivated to do things that they enjoy. Everyone is highly motivated to do *something*... some just haven’t found what they enjoy yet.

I work with kids and agree that often the “driven” personality trait is just the outward manifestation of anxiety. Perfectionism and fear of failure can be very motivating.

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I attended a magnet school similar to TJ when I was younger. This was long before the internet. I heard about the magnet school from a friend from church. I had to call the school, get the forms mailed to my house, get recommendations and write my essays. My parents didn’t help.

This is why I don’t buy that all Asian kids at TJ are all pushed and prepped by their parents.

Many Asian students have first generation immigrant Asian parents.

DH and I worked hard and now have a seven figure income. I fear my kids won’t be as motivated despite having everything at their disposal. They are well adjusted smart kids. Not sure how motivated they are. However, we are surrounded by well educated successful parents so to them, business owners, law firm partners, physicians and executives are the norm so the bar is high for them.

I did something similar, but in Europe. Wanted to play an instrument. Got into music school at 7. Parents came up with an excuse that it is just not possible and so much work(for them). In my 4 th grade, I learnt there was an audition at the music school 5 bus stops away. Never took a bus on my own before. Got sister and me, went to audtion, left a note for parents, and got into music school. By 16, I was playing Chopin and Mozart's piano concertos. Parents were more resigned than pleased.

Anonymous wrote:DH is brilliant but was an underachiever and I had to work my butt of to get Bs but can talk my way into and out of anything. DS#1 is highly driven, very bright and anxious. DS #2 struggles but is charming and beloved. Genetics.

I also posted my ds is anxious. I think we are seeing a trend here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Immature parents are actually a huge influence on first borns being over-achievers.

I’m going to research this. It doesn’t seem to make sense but I would like to see valid studies on topics like this.

Dp. It makes perfect sense. My dh for example. his brother too. I never thought about it this way, but I can see it clearly now that pp posted this. Thanks pp!

ILS were in debt all the time, his dad only cared about his sleep, once ripped the carpet from the whole living area, and left it bare for over 12 years. Dh went to cc as a HS sophomore, got a trade licence, started earning great money, lent them money to pay off their cc debt. As in, he was 20 when he lent them 25k. My parents are mature and I was academicaly driven, but not so much for work. Different parents cause different issues. DH felt financially insecure, he was working as early as 7 year old, delivering newspapers. Fixed cars as his parents never tried, at 16 years old he got pneumonia fixing his dad's car so his dad could go to work. He never, ever blamed his parents fr anything. He loves them. While it is not htier fault they were poor, I think it is their fault that they were so immature and doing dumb crap all the time. He now earns a ton of money, but still is driven to work more. It is not always a good thing, heck it is often a bad thing.

Pp here. I attended a magnet school similar to TJ when I was younger. This was long before the internet. I heard about the magnet school from a friend from church. I had to call the school, get the forms mailed to my house, get recommendations and write my essays. My parents didn’t help.

This is why I don’t buy that all Asian kids at TJ are all pushed and prepped by their parents.

Many Asian students have first generation immigrant Asian parents.

DH and I worked hard and now have a seven figure income. I fear my kids won’t be as motivated despite having everything at their disposal. They are well adjusted smart kids. Not sure how motivated they are. However, we are surrounded by well educated successful parents so to them, business owners, law firm partners, physicians and executives are the norm so the bar is high for them.

I’m one of five close in age siblings. Two of us are highly motivated, one “normal” motivation, and two not at all. I can’t speak for my highly motivated sister, but for me, I’m an extreme people pleaser with high anxiety related to “abandonment” concerns (“if I’m not perfect, people won’t like me”). Absolutely related to disengaged father and highly emotional mother. So I guess on the outside, I look pretty put together, but it’s not due to good parenting.

DH is brilliant but was an underachiever and I had to work my butt of to get Bs but can talk my way into and out of anything. DS#1 is highly driven, very bright and anxious. DS #2 struggles but is charming and beloved. Genetics.

DH and I were both highly motivated. We are children of poor immigrants. Our parents did not have the means nor know how to help us so we had to navigate by ourselves. I think this made us stronger and independent at an early age. Not only did I have to find and fill out all my own forms, I had to translate and do everything for my parents. I still do this today.

Anonymous wrote:Immature parents are actually a huge influence on first borns being over-achievers.

I’m going to research this. It doesn’t seem to make sense but I would like to see valid studies on topics like this.