Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 22:04     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?



My mom called me a bitch, piece of shit, ugly, fat, stupid, never taught me any life skills, etc and I’m only realizing it now. Good for you.


DP. So did my mother. I understand she was terribly neglected as a child, never knew what a good parent should behave, and was beset by many anxieties as well as a chronic disease. I knwo she loves me more than anything in the world, despite her past insults and multiple slaps to my face.

In the end, I think it comes down to whether you believe your parent truly loves you and tried their best despite their limitations. I have no difficulty forgiving my mother for all these things. Certain others things I still have a problem with.


You project. You're okay with it. But people who act like that shouldn't have children.


Previous pp. this is not me ^^^!
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 22:02     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?



My mom called me a bitch, piece of shit, ugly, fat, stupid, never taught me any life skills, etc and I’m only realizing it now. Good for you.


DP. So did my mother. I understand she was terribly neglected as a child, never knew what a good parent should behave, and was beset by many anxieties as well as a chronic disease. I knwo she loves me more than anything in the world, despite her past insults and multiple slaps to my face.

In the end, I think it comes down to whether you believe your parent truly loves you and tried their best despite their limitations. I have no difficulty forgiving my mother for all these things. Certain others things I still have a problem with.


You project. You're okay with it. But people who act like that shouldn't have children.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:59     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?



My mom called me a bitch, piece of shit, ugly, fat, stupid, never taught me any life skills, etc and I’m only realizing it now. Good for you.


DP. So did my mother. I understand she was terribly neglected as a child, never knew what a good parent should behave, and was beset by many anxieties as well as a chronic disease. I knwo she loves me more than anything in the world, despite her past insults and multiple slaps to my face.

In the end, I think it comes down to whether you believe your parent truly loves you and tried their best despite their limitations. I have no difficulty forgiving my mother for all these things. Certain others things I still have a problem with.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:54     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .


Interesting take. Are you OP's mom?


DP here, but that poster is perfectly correct. It's not what anyone wants to hear, of course, but it's reality. That does NOT mean OP has to interact only on her mother's terms. OP will need to draw boundaries. This is where working with a therapist can be helpful (also a suggestion of OP's mother - that woman isn't stupid!).


I know if I caused so much damage that I suggested my own son or daughter see a therapist, I would feel pretty stupid.


You would be wrong. There are plenty of threads on these boards where parents bring their children to therapists, and where adult children need therapy whether or not the parent caused any childhood trauma.

If your child ever comes to you in 20 years time, saying you caused great harm to them, the BEST response is to suggest therapy.

Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:52     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?



My mom called me a bitch, piece of shit, ugly, fat, stupid, never taught me any life skills, etc and I’m only realizing it now. Good for you.


My mom hit me so hard in my face that my nose was numb for 2 days. She laughs about it now like it's an inside joke. I was 12. Hugs.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:51     Subject: Re:I wrote my mom a letter
PP here. Also my neurotypical teenage sibling is illiterate and not on track to graduate hs, got arrested, etc
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:50     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?



My mom called me a bitch, piece of shit, ugly, fat, stupid, never taught me any life skills, etc and I’m only realizing it now. Good for you.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:48     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Block number?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:33     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:I wrote a letter to my mom about 19 things she did while I was growing up that hurt me. This includes covering up sexual abuse, being called a bitch regularly, and sharing details of my father's affairs when was around 10 years old. I put my heart on paper to let out all the pain I've been holding in. (I'm 39). She has been upset that I have requested a covid test before we see her.

This is the text response from her:

U r not a child any longer , u r an adult . The past is the Past , let it go. That's what your therapist should be helping u with . Every parent makes mistakes , but my life and your life goes on . We can have an adult mother - daughter relationship now , but u have to act like an adult . I'm not going to accept u bringing this stuff up any longer . If u want to see me , u come to me . I love u and I want to see my grandchildren and I would think u would want them to have a relationship with me , but that is your choice .

What would you do/say?



I completely agree with her.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:30     Subject: Re:I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op,

Just so you know you’re acting like an adult. You don’t need to respond to this message. Let it sit.


+1

And I am going to add, I have the same mother unfortunately. We are no longer speaking. I completely cut her out, and life is fantastic.



+2. 3 years and counting without this and my life is so peaceful. I actually cringed reading it which makes me even more secure in my decision. Cut the string OP.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:22     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .


Interesting take. Are you OP's mom?


DP here, but that poster is perfectly correct. It's not what anyone wants to hear, of course, but it's reality. That does NOT mean OP has to interact only on her mother's terms. OP will need to draw boundaries. This is where working with a therapist can be helpful (also a suggestion of OP's mother - that woman isn't stupid!).


I know if I caused so much damage that I suggested my own son or daughter see a therapist, I would feel pretty stupid.
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:21     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
OP, if she is a messed-up person, why would you want her around your kids?

You wouldn't

Accept reality
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:16     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .


Interesting take. Are you OP's mom?


DP here, but that poster is perfectly correct. It's not what anyone wants to hear, of course, but it's reality. That does NOT mean OP has to interact only on her mother's terms. OP will need to draw boundaries. This is where working with a therapist can be helpful (also a suggestion of OP's mother - that woman isn't stupid!).
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:13     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .


Interesting take. Are you OP's mom?
Anonymous
Post 09/13/2020 21:00     Subject: I wrote my mom a letter
Why can’t your mom just have been a better person? Why can’t she now? That’s what you really want and you can’t make your mom be a better person. You can accept her how she is and accept that she very likely feels guilty and wishes her past had been different and she had done things differently. So your choices are to accept the person your mom is or keep wishing and hoping of you just stand their long enough being pained she will have a light bold moment and suddenly do whatever you think is the right things .