Anonymous wrote:I think you should care for nieces and nephews till your parents (the grandparents of nieces and nephews) and your siblings (parents of nieces and nephews) are alive at the very least.

It is a smart idea to help siblings, their spouses and children to suceed in life. This means that if some logistical, emotional, financial help is required for them to become self-sufficent and be able to also take care of their families, and it is within your means to do so then you should step up. In the long run it works out by having an able younger generation that is self-sufficient, can take care of their own families, can take care of their parents, can also help to take care of grandparents.

Usually, when you don't care about your nieces and nephews it is because their parents may act like a-holes and also poison their children's minds too. In such a situation it is better to withdraw from them.

I feel like this is why extended family was important in the past, for my family and others -- pulling each other up. But the current generation wants for nothing, the families are all geographically distant. I do care about my nieces/nephews, but I do not send them cards or gifts. I would step up if their parents died. I would help them in their future careers, if I could. I pay attention to them when I see them. I am just not into obligatory cards/gifts for birthdays.

I cared a lot about my DH’s brother’s kids. We visited as many holidays as we could, I’d entertain the kids the entire time. and I remember I spent my niece’s entire fourth birthday party with her and loved every minute of it.

But when we had our own kids it wasn’t reciprocated at all. BIL has visited exactly once, SIL never has. They say it’s too difficult to travel with kids, but we have kids now, too (and still managed to travel to see them). BIL was supposed to visit earlier this year, but it sounded like he was expecting it to be a “guys trip” and didn’t want to do much kid-friendly stuff (the trip fell through because of covid). They didn’t even attend our DD’s virtual birthday party in April.

So I don’t care about their kids much anymore. I haven’t even seen them in 2 years, and the last time - during a beach vacation - they basically ignored their kids and I had to watch them to make sure they didn’t drown. I don’t think DH even sent them birthday presents this year since they missed our kid’s party.

I think you should care for nieces and nephews till your parents (the grandparents of nieces and nephews) and your siblings (parents of nieces and nephews) are alive at the very least.

It is a smart idea to help siblings, their spouses and children to suceed in life. This means that if some logistical, emotional, financial help is required for them to become self-sufficent and be able to also take care of their families, and it is within your means to do so then you should step up. In the long run it works out by having an able younger generation that is self-sufficient, can take care of their own families, can take care of their parents, can also help to take care of grandparents.

Usually, when you don't care about your nieces and nephews it is because their parents may act like a-holes and also poison their children's minds too. In such a situation it is better to withdraw from them.

Anonymous wrote:Seriously guys? You are all awful. This is your family too, doesn’t matter whether by blood or marriage. If they’ve done nothing to you, you can’t muster up the wherewithal to send a happy birthday? Geez. Awful, just awful. You don’t need to remember birthdays, Put them in your phone once. You do not have to attend every birthday party but a simple acknowledgement is the least you can do.

+1. Wtf? I am obsessed with my husband’s brother’s kids. They are soooo cute!

Anonymous wrote:At least two of my favorite aunts and uncles growing up were related to me by marriage, not blood. They were wonderful people, and I am grateful they made the effort.

Same here.
In my family of origin, nieces and nephews were treated the same, whether by blood or by marriage.
I'm an only child, so of course I see my DH's brother's children as my own niece and nephew. They are the only ones I'll have. We acknowledge birthdays and send Christmas gifts. They live on the west coast, so we only see them twice a year, but we FaceTime frequently so our young girls can see their cousins.

I would be inclined to put in the effort with them because they are kids. And then when they hit 18 let the chips fall where they may.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Some of us have enough energy and love for more people than that. Is your heart too sized too small?

I’m a NP, but yes, my heart IS too small. You want to know why? My widowed mother is going crazy and refusing to move. My MIL is also crazy and driving my husband crazy. I got called into HR this week because I didn’t want to read my crazy co worker’s book - which she took offense to and reported me. My husband worked 80 hours this week. I have a special needs kid who has had 18,000 tantrums this week. I also have two other kids. We are moving in two months and the paper work is killing me. My best friend has cancer.

I’ve bought hundreds of dollars of presents for our friend’s kids and my kid’s friends because I love them and care about them, and they love us equally.

So no, I am going to skip sending a birthday present to my husband’s brother’s kid. 1. Because I have no idea when their birthday is 2. I’ve seen that kid approximately twice in the past three years. 3. I don’t think my BIL even knows we HAVE three kids.

I sincerely do not care one iota if that kid gets a random amazon card This year, nor does my husband. I would rather put the time and effort into my real friends (and their kids) than my BIL.

At least two of my favorite aunts and uncles growing up were related to me by marriage, not blood. They were wonderful people, and I am grateful they made the effort.

Anonymous wrote:DH's siblings have so many kids. I don't dislike the kids or their parents, but I could definitely go forever without seeing them. I don't want to waste weekends at their birthday parties, or even keep track of their birthdays (and DH won't). Am I jerk? Should we skip fun things to hang out with them? We have a kid but there's a large age gap so the cousins won't be close anyway.

None of my siblings have kids so I don't have a frame of reference there. I grew up seeing my cousins often but, now that we're adults, we just follow each other on instagram and maybe exchange Christmas cards if we really like each other.
That's the perfect level of interaction for me.

My first niece was born when I was in high school so I didn’t really care about it at first but we’re really close because she was the only niece/nephew for another 8 years.

My brother is a sociopath. His kids are sweet and cute but I cut them off 2 years ago, because contact with them means contact with him. They are young and will soon forget me.

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Some of us have enough energy and love for more people than that. Is your heart too sized too small?

If you took your kids to spend time with them they could absolutely be close despite age gaps. My oldest niece is 25 and my kids are 13 and 9. They have a close and loving relationship, obviously different than that of the same age cousins.
I do think it is awful to not make some effort. They may not be your blood family but they are for your kids.

Seriously guys? You are all awful. This is your family too, doesn’t matter whether by blood or marriage. If they’ve done nothing to you, you can’t muster up the wherewithal to send a happy birthday? Geez. Awful, just awful. You don’t need to remember birthdays, Put them in your phone once. You do not have to attend every birthday party but a simple acknowledgement is the least you can do.

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Would you take them in if any of them were going to foster care?

I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.