Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a second child for a child. You have it for you.

But it's a very common thing I hear people say: we wanted him/her to have a sibling so they wouldn't be alone. Clearly a lot of people at least feel bad that their child could miss out on a sibling bond.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a second child for a child. You have it for you.

This isn't the case for many people.

No one would do it "just" to give their first a sibling. How sick and twisted.

Does anyone really do this?
I don't think they do, BUT I imagine if they did, that once the baby comes out you love it because it's your child, and it's no longer about it being your older child's sibling.

I was an only. DH grew up with siblings and loved it. Now, not so much. They aren't close any more. I always wanted a sibling. I remember what its like to be an only. Our oldest has ADHD and cerebral palsy. We thought that he would really benefit from having a sibling. His personality as a pre-schooler fed into our decision. I couldn't imagine how he would handle things as we got older and forced to make those hard decisions that we will all have to make for our aging parents one day. We wanted another and could afford another. All of this factored into the decision to have a second child. They are 4 years apart and aren't that close. Close enough that I know that they could depend on each other if they needed to. I've watched them both defend each other on the playground and support each other when absolutely necessary. They fight all the time over little things that all kids fight over, particularly since the older one is a teen and all things are a changing. They are as different as day and not, so that feeds into how well the get along. This fact should be at the forefront of your decision to have a second child for the sake of the first. No guarantee that they will actually get along.

Just take a look at the family relationship forum. Most siblings are not that close when they grow up.

Anonymous wrote:I did, not as the ONLY factor but a main factor.

I am an only and feel a deep sense of loss that I have no sibling. And growing up, I hated having my parents full attention. Nothing went unnoticed and there was so much pressure to be perfect, because I was basically all they had and they weren't going to be embarrassed by a failure.

The other factor was my first is a boy and I wanted to try for a girl, of course knowing I could actutally end up with two boys but maybe that would be ok too.

Only a year in, but it's been great. I did in fact get my girl and I'm totally obsessed with her. There's been typical sibling jealousy but it has been wonderful for my first social skills wise. As an only, I felt my social skills suffered so I always prioritized socialization for my son but he was still really timid and used to let other kids walk all over him. Since she arrived, he has really come out of his shell and become much more assertive. Like a totally different kid and I'm not the only one to notice.

There's a lot to unpack here. First, your experience as an only child was your experience and due to who you were as a child and your parents' parenting. I know plenty of adult only children - those that loved it had parents that weren't total introverts and treated them like normal kids, not their precious Golden Child. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but it sounds like your parents didn't do a great job of parenting an only. Second, take a close look at the language you use to describe your girl versus your boy. Your kids WILL see that favoritism and it WILL impact them. That will be as big of a parenting mistake as your parents putting too much pressure on you. Now that you have these kids, it's on you to do better.

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to hear the responses as well. I have a DD and the more I think about my adult life as it is, and her future as an adult, the more I think she needs a sibling. I want her to have someone who is family when I am old and long gone

I had a brother. Then he died. Now I am an only child. Having a baby in order to give your child a sibling is the dumbest reason ever. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EXCELLENTLY.

Our first has special needs. We decided to have a second to give him a chance to work on socialization skills within his own home; and to experience the joy of parenting a "normal" child. We could have had another child with special needs, and it took us some years to decide because of that. But DC2 is highly functional, quick-witted, musical and altogether a delight. I believe our firstborn would not have developed as well as he has were it not for his sibling constantly engaging him and interacting with him. They have a close bond.

That's not fair to your second child at all.

Depends. If the parents don’t let it impact the second child too much emotionally and financially, it can be okay.

My cousin is a first child who was impacted a lot by his severely autistic younger brother. In that case, they didn’t know beforehand of course.

And when the pArents died the child know has to care for their sibling for life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EXCELLENTLY.

Our first has special needs. We decided to have a second to give him a chance to work on socialization skills within his own home; and to experience the joy of parenting a "normal" child. We could have had another child with special needs, and it took us some years to decide because of that. But DC2 is highly functional, quick-witted, musical and altogether a delight. I believe our firstborn would not have developed as well as he has were it not for his sibling constantly engaging him and interacting with him. They have a close bond.

That's not fair to your second child at all.

Thank you! You've basically burdened your second child for their entire life.

I did, not as the ONLY factor but a main factor.

I am an only and feel a deep sense of loss that I have no sibling. And growing up, I hated having my parents full attention. Nothing went unnoticed and there was so much pressure to be perfect, because I was basically all they had and they weren't going to be embarrassed by a failure.

The other factor was my first is a boy and I wanted to try for a girl, of course knowing I could actutally end up with two boys but maybe that would be ok too.

Only a year in, but it's been great. I did in fact get my girl and I'm totally obsessed with her. There's been typical sibling jealousy but it has been wonderful for my first social skills wise. As an only, I felt my social skills suffered so I always prioritized socialization for my son but he was still really timid and used to let other kids walk all over him. Since she arrived, he has really come out of his shell and become much more assertive. Like a totally different kid and I'm not the only one to notice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EXCELLENTLY.

Our first has special needs. We decided to have a second to give him a chance to work on socialization skills within his own home; and to experience the joy of parenting a "normal" child. We could have had another child with special needs, and it took us some years to decide because of that. But DC2 is highly functional, quick-witted, musical and altogether a delight. I believe our firstborn would not have developed as well as he has were it not for his sibling constantly engaging him and interacting with him. They have a close bond.

That's not fair to your second child at all.

Depends. If the parents don’t let it impact the second child too much emotionally and financially, it can be okay.

My cousin is a first child who was impacted a lot by his severely autistic younger brother. In that case, they didn’t know beforehand of course.

NP here. My older brother has autism as well, having younger sisters has been a help for socliazation. The thing is our parents did have me and my sisters specifically to be our brother's in house OTs, that's a lot of pressure to put on a child.

All of this reminds of the book Ny Sister’s Keeper. It seems likens bad reason to bring a child into the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EXCELLENTLY.

Our first has special needs. We decided to have a second to give him a chance to work on socialization skills within his own home; and to experience the joy of parenting a "normal" child. We could have had another child with special needs, and it took us some years to decide because of that. But DC2 is highly functional, quick-witted, musical and altogether a delight. I believe our firstborn would not have developed as well as he has were it not for his sibling constantly engaging him and interacting with him. They have a close bond.

That's not fair to your second child at all.

Depends. If the parents don’t let it impact the second child too much emotionally and financially, it can be okay.

My cousin is a first child who was impacted a lot by his severely autistic younger brother. In that case, they didn’t know beforehand of course.

NP here. My older brother has autism as well, having younger sisters has been a help for socliazation. The thing is our parents did have me and my sisters specifically to be our brother's in house OTs, that's a lot of pressure to put on a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:EXCELLENTLY.

Our first has special needs. We decided to have a second to give him a chance to work on socialization skills within his own home; and to experience the joy of parenting a "normal" child. We could have had another child with special needs, and it took us some years to decide because of that. But DC2 is highly functional, quick-witted, musical and altogether a delight. I believe our firstborn would not have developed as well as he has were it not for his sibling constantly engaging him and interacting with him. They have a close bond.

That's not fair to your second child at all.

Depends. If the parents don’t let it impact the second child too much emotionally and financially, it can be okay.

My cousin is a first child who was impacted a lot by his severely autistic younger brother. In that case, they didn’t know beforehand of course.

OP, these questions are really hard, because you'll get answers that are all over the map.

When I was struggling with a similar decision, it helped me to think about it in terms of who I was and what I could handle vs. trying to predict an imaginary relationship.

We make choices throughout our lives, and for the most part*, it's about how we respond to the choices rather than the choice itself.

* I know there are obvious exceptions to this.